The struggle to relinquish control during COVID-19

I don’t know about you, but when I’m in the midst of a situation like the world’s current status, and I feel like I have zero control, I step into hairy scary micromanage mode. In an attempt to overcompensate for my lack of power at large, I work to control every little thing I can get my hands on. 

Here’s a peek of my control attempts within the last week: 

• stay home as much as possible

• get groceries delivered 

• wipe down all the groceries delivered

• order supplements to stay healthy

• take said supplements

• clean the house, again and again and again

• tell my parents to stay home – then check in to make sure they actually are

• talk to my sister and brother-in-law to make sure they’re staying home

• try to force the entire family to do everything I’m doing (oops)

• order extra cat food so I only have to go out once

• the list goes on and on

All of these things, in and of themselves, are all well and good – but here’s when I recognized an issue. 

Yesterday, I had a difficult decision to make. I have a tricky body with chronic pain. In a usual month I see my chiropractor, physical therapist, and a masseuse. Well, given the current status of this world, what would normally be a simple trip to the chiropractor to quiet my aching neck, became an anxious-filled, exhausting decision. 

As I weighed the pros and cons, considered the risk, the importance of staying home, and waffled back and forth questioning what was best for my body, my anxiety rose. So I thought about how I could control the situation. 

If I go, I could… go bright and early before other patients, ask my chiropractor to spray the tables in front of me, bring a towel to put my face on versus her table, try not to touch anything, change my clothes right away, wash them, and shower as soon as I get home. Control. Control. Control. After lots of consideration about all the ways I could make this appointment a safe choice, I came to the point where I felt okay with the decision of moving forward. Yet, I still felt really anxious. 

In the middle of the night, as I tossed and turned, I recognized what the problem was – even with intentional and calculated actions, I feel like I have zero control over what is happening in the world around me. And that is unsettling.

On my way to the chiropractor, my full, careful plan in motion, I reached out to a friend asking for prayer; and she spoke the most encouraging and convicting prayer over me. She said, “May the safety you feel be more from being God’s daughter than how you’ve set yourself up to be safe.” Mic drop.

When it comes to this crazy world we are currently living in with COVID-19, we have two choices:

1. Try to control every single thing we can get our hands on, panic when we lose our grip, and end up exhausted, frustrated, and anxious

2. Do what we can, be intentional and play our part in staying home as much as possible, but RELINQUISH CONTROL to our amazing God who is before all things and in Him all things hold together Col 1:17

When I walked out of my appointment, my anxiety whooshed away – not just because of how careful my chiropractor was (seriously large shout out to how she is caring for her patients), but because instead of gripping onto control, and fearing what might happen if everything didn’t go according to my plan, I put my trust in the Lord who holds the entire world in His loving hands. 

We have an awesome God who is our refuge, our ever-present help in trouble, our Father who sent His son to die and be raised again so that we might have such a close relationship in which we get to rely on Him. Because of who He is, we don’t have to try to muscle through this time. We can do our best and trust that Our Protector will be true to His word and bring light into this darkness, no matter how gloom and doom it may seem. 
 

What does this level of relinquishing control look like practically? 

For me it means:

• Be smart and make smart choices (stay home as much as possible, and consider the risk and those involved when I have to go out)

• Speak truth in love to my family and friends

• Pray over the world, the leaders, the healthcare workers, and the COVID-19 virus

• LEAVE THE REST in His strong and capable hands
  

This is not easy, friends. These are especially trying times for all of us. But we get to make smart, intentional choices – not just with washing our hands 100 times a day – but by releasing control and finding refuge in our Heavenly Father minute after minute after minute. 

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P.S. Huge shout out to my chiropractor, Dr. Jamie Mabeus at Full Motion Chiropractic, who is open for business through the order, and has chosen to continue to serve those who need her. She is not taking this lightly and had the appointment down to a science – she is a private practice, so she adjusted it so only one person is in her office at a time, door locked. She wiped down EVERYTHING, washed her hands constantly, and took as many extra precautions as she could to care for the people that she has so graciously stayed open to care for. Let’s not forget people like Dr. Jamie, who are loving us and caring for us through this time. 

Held Accountable

Happy Friday!  This week seems to have flown by and with it, went my very good intentions of writing several posts this week.  So here I am, it's already dark out (which I am still having a hard time adjusting to) and I'm waiting for my sweet hubby to get home from work.  But before he arrives, I wanted to leave you with a little something to chew on. 

The past couple months, my small group has been studying the book of Romans.  I am a huge Romans fan, so I have been thoroughly enjoying revisiting these scriptures.  But it never ceases to amaze me how whenever I re-read the text, there is always something new that jumps out at me.  Here's what got me this time.  Chapter 3:19 says, "Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be silenced and the whole world held accountable to God." Just to give you a quick idea of what's going on in this chapter... Paul is teaching about how the law is not grounds for righteousness.  He talks about how it is through faith that we are credited righteousness, and that "through the law we become conscious of sin" and aware of our need for a savior.  (It's a great chapter, if you're not familiar check it out.)

But now I need to apologize because I'm pulling a chunk out of the verse that is somewhat out of context, (forgive me) but it's a phrase that's had me thinking the past couple weeks.  It's the idea of being held accountable to God.

I am a big advocate for accountability.  I think sometimes it gets a bad rep like it's just for people in AA or a churchy-small group sort of word, but I think it's much more than that.  For me it's having a person (or two.. or six) who is willing to hold me responsible for my actions.  More specifically, it's someone I can depend on to help me stick to the goals I've set for myself, who pushes and encourages me when I'm struggling to stay disciplined, and someone who is willing to call me out when I'm acting like a fool.  

As I was reading these verses, and thinking about the fact that we are held accountable to God for our actions, I couldn't help but ask myself, why isn't this truth enough?  When I went to a friend's wedding from high school a couple weeks ago, I went into it knowing that I was going to be tempted to have more than my share of beverages.  There were many days in my past that I dabbled in the fun of having a few too many [and it's definitely still a struggle sometimes], but now I know that's not how I want to live my life.  Knowing this, I texted my sister and said "hey, will you hold me accountable to making good choices tonight?"  For whatever reason, even the simple act of reaching out and asking someone to be aware of what I'm doing, is enough to remind me and motivate me to make good choices.  But what gets me is, why isn't the fact that God knows what I am doing, and knows the decisions I'm going to make before I make them... why is that not enough to motivate me to do the right thing?  

Don't get me wrong, I know that God created us for community, to need each other's support and encouragement.  I'm not discounting that, and I'm definitely not going to go ditching my accountability partners!  Having you guys in my life has made a huge difference in helping me work towards being more Christ-like, and encouraging me to pursue the hopes and dreams that He's given me.  

What I am hoping to do though, is put more emphasis on the truth that I don't just have to rely on my husband or sister or whoever else I've asked to hold me responsible.  The God who created me wants to be a part of my life and help me be the very best that He created me to be.  

My hope and prayer moving forward is that knowing that, would be the motivation and encouragement I need to not only make good choices in the sticky situations, but to push myself in the goals and dreams that I feel He has laid out for me.  

My Sweet Grandpa's Homegoing

Yesterday, I had the honor of sharing the story of my Grandpa's homegoing as we celebrated his life with many who loved him.  I want to share it with you, because it is a story that needs to be told...

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This last week has been one of the most terrible, and the most difficult. It has been full of much sadness, fear, instances of false hope, and a heaviness in realizing that my sweet grandpa wouldn't be here with us anymore.

But amidst the difficult, it has also been one of the most beautiful, precious, and joyful. My family and I had the blessing of spending my Grandpa's last 4 days with him. One of those, was a day just like any other with my grampy. If you don't know him, you must understand that he was extremely intelligent- which always led to a need to understand everything. So in the hospital, we needed to keep his oxygen levels up which meant he had to wear an oxygen mask. Well let me tell you, this mask was something that he needed to understand. All four of us, along with probably every nurse who had the pleasure of caring for him that week, attempted to help him "solve" this mystery. During my turn to try explaining, my gramps said, "Okay Mindy, we're going to lick this." These special moments, along with many other laughs and smiles, and endless I love you's that we shared, made those four days so so precious.

Although in the midst of it, the time felt unbearably heavy, I am so thankful for every second, because each one was laced with love and an indescribable evidence of God's faithfulness. Every step in the process of grandpa's homegoing was protected and planned out ever so carefully by our heavenly father. From the doctors with their careful and concerned explanations, to the nurses who took such good care of my grandpa and cared so lovingly for our family, there is no doubt in my mind that God was making sure that gramps was protected and treated with extra special loving care as He called him home.

Besides sharing some of these special moments - I need to tell you about the amazing way that God brought grandpa home. Those last moments, standing by my grandpa's side are moments that will forever be written on my heart. Not just because they were the terrifying and sad moments when I lost my grandpa- but because they were filled with an overwhelming sense of God's presence as He called my grandpa home in the most beautiful, most profound, and amazing way.

Standing next to my grandpa's bed, my sister and I on one side, mom and dad on the other- I clenched my sister's hand as we told him how much we loved him and that we were right there by his side. It was in that moment, when my mom leaned over to my grandpa and told him that he was going to meet Jesus, that I realized there was an overwhelming sense of strength, peace, and assurance in that room. After those tender moments of saying our goodbyes, the only thing that felt appropriate was to worship the Lord, singing songs to grandpa as he prepared to meet our maker. Lifting up our voices in praise, unsure of how or what songs to sing, it felt as if we had keep singing, as if that was the only way God had ordained for grampy to go to heaven.

Time went by, we continued to sing and came upon what we now know to be our last song. As we lifted up the chorus of the Revelation Song, which reads "Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come. With all creation I sing, praise to the King of Kings. You are my everything, and I will adore you," it was as if the Lord was telling us this was grandpa's time. In unison each of our voices got louder as we proclaimed these words, and lifted up to the God who we know was very much present in that room with us.

During our last time singing the chorus, my sweet grandpa took his last breath and went to be with Jesus. As quickly as an overwhelming sense of panic and sadness filled the room as we realized that this man we loved so much was not with us anymore, an indescribably powerful sense of excitement, joy, and peace filled the room. God made it so beautifully clear that He was with us and that He had come to take the one that he loved so much, home to the place He prepared for him. I will never forget when my mom tearfully exclaimed, Daddy- I am so excited for you, you're there!!

The reason that I feel such a need to tell you this story is not to make you sad, but so that you might share in the joy and excitement of this amazing moment that God set out for my grandpa. And so that you might know that we have an awesome God who loves us SO much that not only does He give us strength, joy, and peace in the most difficult of moments, but that if we claim Him as our savior He really really does show up and take us home to be with him in heaven.

There's one last piece of the story that I'd like to share with you...

A few days after my sweet grandpa left us, I thought about that special moment as we sang the Revelation Song. My curiosity got the best of me as I knew that this must be in the book of Revelations if it's called the Revelation song. Googling the words, I can't describe the joy that came over me when I discovered what I'd found. Revelations 4 talks about the throne of heaven- what it looks like, what's there, what it sounds like- and in verse 8 it says, "Day and night they never stop saying: "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty,' who was, and is, and is to come."

I am so in awe and wowed by the beautiful moment in which my family and I had the AWESOME privilege of joining the heavenly hosts and ushering my grandpa into heaven.

My hope is that you might walk away from this celebration of my grandpa's life knowing two things: that my grandpa was an amazing, loving, generous, selfless, bundle of joy and that we have a reason to celebrate because our awesome God welcomed him home with a fanfare!

A Lesson from my Succulents

I must admit that I have a major crush on succulents.  Okay, maybe that's putting it lightly.  I'm actually quite in love with them really.  I'm not sure where I first saw them or how our love affair began, but I think that they are so so lovely.  They seem to be all over Instagram lately, and I can't help but 'like' every picture that I come across with succulents.  With that said, I'd like to introduce you to my three little babies.  

I first met these guys about a year ago at my neighborhood Steins.  And let me tell you, it was love at first sight.  I went in thinking that I was going to buy just one, and walked out with three because they were just too cute.  But my love for succulents goes deeper than just looks...they are so easy to manage.  A little bit of water (about once every two weeks in the winter and once a week in summer) and a lot of sunlight gives these sweet plants just what they need to grow.

Being that I live in Wisconsin, my plants have to live inside in the winter and soak up as much sun as they can through the window.  And what I've noticed over the past few weeks is how much they really need the sun.  I started to notice that instead of their leaves growing up towards the sun, they were starting to droop down towards their sides.  At first I thought maybe they needed more water (I'm no botanist) so I tried that.  When that didn't work I started to think about their need for sun.  Here in good ole Wisconsin, it has been a LONG winter.  Now that the sun is finally making an appearance more often, I decided to test out my theory, and move the plants out on our tiny porch where they can soak up a lot more sun.  In just a few days of bright sunlight, they are already picking up their droopy little arms and reaching up towards the sunlight.  I seriously love this.  Maybe I sound a little crazy but it really brings me joy!! 

What's crazy to me is that these plants, they seem to just know that they need the light to grow.  They know it so well that if they feel the light, they literally turn their little heads, leaning or growing towards the direction of the sun! And this is where I feel that I've been schooled by my succulents.  

Just as the succulents need the sunlight to grow, I know that I need God's wisdom, His Word, His involvement in my life, in order to grow and to be transformed into the creation that He created me to be.  Knowing this, I want to follow in the example of my succulents.  I need to be really intentional about leaning towards the light.  To seek my heavenly Father more and more, trusting that He can provide exactly what I need to make me grow.  

So, thank you, little succulents for setting such a great example and making me appreciate the sun (and the Son) even more.   

Images by me :)  Thanks to my sweet grandpa and my lovely new Canon T4i.

More than a Conqueror

Image/design by Liz Carver via Hipster Scripture

Do you ever feel like your life is a battlefield?  No I don't mean like in the 80's song Love is a battlefield (and yet what a great jam)!  What I mean is, do you ever feel like you are trying to fight off some sort of heaviness, some sort of icky feeling, some sort of insecurity, or some form of "darkness"?  Like, no matter how hard you try to stay in a positive, good, joyful mood there seems to be this other force that is trying to bring you down?  Ick. I feel that that has been the story of my week this week.  

The best way I can think of to describe this weird phenomenon that has been taking over my days is like a little dark cloud that very unexpectedly, very unexplainably swoops in over my thoughts, covers over my positive thinking, and leads me to a place of panic.  (Check out my last post Looking for Growth Opportunities  if you want to hear more about what it looks like for me.)  

Unfortunately, this little dark cloud has got me panicked about my upcoming weekend.  There is nothing bad about it, in fact it is supposed to be a fun weekend with friends.  And yet for some odd reason I feel like I have to gear up, put on my armor and figure out how to duke it out against the anxiety that seems to work so hard to defeat me.  

For me, gearing up or preparing for battle looks a lot like grounding myself in the Bible- spending some time with the Lord who brings me peace, loading my mind up with scripture, with encouraging words like, "If God is for us, who can be against us?"  Since I know I am not alone in this icky struggle to battle anxiety, I wanted to share with you what has got me all charged up and ready to fight the fight.

I have been reading in Romans, and today I was reading through Romans 8.  Please check out the rest of it, but in order to keep it brief (ish) I am only going to mention a few verses.  Romans 8:35, 37-39 says:

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ... No, in all these things we are more than conquerorsthrough him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  (emphasis added)

Ooh man, I felt like those words were speaking right to my insecurities, right to my efforts to be preparing for battle.  I mean shoot, it even fits in with my imaginary battle with the terminology of more than conquerors.  To be reminded that THERE IS NOTHING that will separate me from the Lord (in whom I find great peace when I'm struggling) and that through His love I am a conqueror - it gives me such great assurance that I can fight this battle.

Overall, what it gives me, is hope.  A hope that through Christ I really will someday be able to claim the victory over this little dark, anxious cloud that tries to steal my joy.  God created me, through his love, to not just be a conqueror, but to be more than a conqueror.  So that's what I'm going to try to be. I will put on my battle mindset, prepare for the ickiness of this world, and put my hope in the promise that Jesus gives us in John 16:33 where he says, "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world!"

Those words have so often, as of late, been my battle cry.  I literally imagine myself carrying some sort of flag, running up a grassy hill, with my chainmail armor on (yeah, picture that) with a very serious, determined face yelling Jesus' promise "I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD!"  

Go ahead, you can laugh or call me crazy... I'm kind of 12 in the way that I really imagine a storylike picture of things in my life sometimes.  But it helps me to visualize the fact that, yeah I am living in a dark world.  There is most definitely trouble.  I have to take action, to take charge to fight off the ickiness, the garbage that threatens to weigh me down.  It is not going to be easy, in fact it most often isn't.  BUT, as I take up this charge for battle, I don't have to worry about whether my hard work will pay off or whether the battle will be won.  It will be won.  Jesus promises me that.  And so this is where I must place my trust, my hope and my confidence as I struggle with anxiety.  In Jesus words that He has overcome, and his loving reminder that through him I can play a mighty role and be more than a conqueror.  

Looking for Growth Opportunities

Image by Meghan Klein  via Instagram

One thing that I have learned about myself over the years is that I like the feeling of being in control.  I don't mean in a "I'm the boss all the time" sort of way, more in a planning way.  I'm a planner to a T.  I thrive on being organized.  I'm not obsessively organized (just check out the piles of clothes that have been on my dresser for weeks), but I love the comfort of knowing what's going on, of knowing what to expect.

I didn't realize how important feeling in control really was to me until I've been recently struggling with a bit of anxiety.  On the surface everything is going well in my life.  I have a wonderful husband, great family, I'm in a place of unemployment which I'm actually enjoying because it's given me an opportunity to pursue new things, to explore dreams I never thought I could.  I'm being intentional about choosing joy, about finding fun moments, about planning get-togethers and exciting opportunities.  And yet right in the midst of this joy- I find myself experiencing bouts of anxiety where my heart races, my chest gets tight, my breathing gets shallow, my mind goes into a downward spiral that often involves me feeling like I'm going to be sick or perhaps even die (yeah it's a little ridiculous).  A simple trip to a friend's house has got me worked up thinking "oh dear, what if I have an anxiety attack there?  What if I have to throw up?  What if I get sick and have to excuse myself to go home? What if I have to go to the bathroom and there's nowhere to go?"

I must admit it has been a really big struggle for me. Not feeling in control in these moments (and not understanding where it is coming from or why) has thrown me for a loop.  But this isn't where I want my focus to be...

This morning as I sat at my kitchen table with my potatoes, pancake, bible, and my daily devotional- I was really struck by the reading for today. [The following quotes are taken from (Jesus Calling) a daily devotional by Sarah Young.]

"Many things feel out of control." -- Yup.  Sure do.
"Your routines are not running smoothly." -- I wish they were!
"You tend to feel more secure when your life is predictable." -- Nailed it.  

But besides nailing my emotions on the head, the reading has given me an encouragement in dealing with it.

"When you are shaken out of your comfortable routines, grip My hand tightly and look for growth opportunities.  Instead of bemoaning the loss of your comfort, accept the challenge of something new."

I've basically been doing one half of that equation.  I have definitely been gripping His hand tightly because quite frankly that's all I feel I can do in those moments of panic.  I take a lot of deep breaths, self-talk, think of scripture, pray, and wait for the moment to pass.  But what I haven't been too good at is looking for growth opportunities and accepting the challenge of something new.  

It's so easy to go through life in our routines, trying to stay in our comfort zones.  But what Paul teaches us in 2 Corinthians 3:18 is that our lives are all about transformation.  2 Corinthians 3:18 says, "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."  Each moment, each situation, each struggle is an important part of the process of changing, of becoming more like Christ.

Dealing with this anxiety stuff, this reminder is difficult because it challenges me to consider even this as a growth opportunity.  I am so so thankful that in the moments of anxiousness I can cling to the One who protects me and know that He has overcome the world.  But now, beyond that, I need to think about how I can look at it as a growth opportunity to becoming a better version of myself, to becoming more like Christ.

The image at the top of the page is one from Meghan Klein's Instagram page.  [She was the assistant photographer at my wedding. Be sure to check out her webpage. Her work is lovely.]   With this photo she shared a quote that has been an encouragement and a challenge to me the past few weeks.  And I'd like to leave you with this:

"Enjoy the tempo of a God-breathed life by letting Him set the pace. Hold his hand in trust & the way before you will open up step by step."

Fulfilling Purpose

This is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately.  I think it's a totally natural question to ask when like me, you find yourself in a place of transition, of being "in-between things" as I always answer these days when people ask me, "So what do you do?"

I have somewhat of a love/hate relationship with the question 'what is my purpose'.  It's a great one, because it keeps me looking forward; it helps me to dig deep and think about in the long run, what do I want to do with my life and why.  But then on the other hand it sometimes feels like a weight on my shoulders.  On days when I feel less optimistic about finding my calling, thinking about it sends my mind into a spin.   It's the double-edged sword of: This world is full of opportunities- there are many ways that I could find purpose and make a difference VS. this world is FULL of opportunities, how can I possibly determine where my next step should be?

In my mission to be in love with my life I have thought a lot about what inspires me, what gets me motivated.  And I have allowed those to be the things that determine my next steps in the past couple weeks.  That's what is leading me towards putting more effort into this journey with my blog .  But, even amidst choosing joy, there is always the dark voice in the back of my mind that tries to creep in, asking- "well what are you doing this for?  What's the point?  You don't even have a purpose.  Who really even cares, just give up!" When I have moments like this, it is hard not to get discouraged.  To get caught up in the self-destructing mind spin of thinking maybe that little voice is right, maybe I have no purpose, maybe I'm not doing anything that is positively affecting this world, maybe I'm not going to find my purpose.

Struggling with this dark voice lately, I was glad when I stumbled across an encouraging word in my Bible reading.  Psalm 138:8 spoke directly to my fears and questions of purpose.  It says,

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever-- do not abandon the works of your hands." 

This verse jumped off the pages and really spoke to my heart.  The first encouragement that spoke to me is this, "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me."  It doesn't say, might fulfill, it says WILL fulfill.  It's not a question, not a doubt; it's a promise.  And the second is this.  "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me."   This is a part that is so near and dear to my heart.

About four years ago, I had a big perspective change in my life.  It's a big piece of my life story, one of the parts of my testimony that I get really excited about.  Here's what I discovered...

My life is not about me.  It's not about my desires to be good, loving, caring, and Christ-like.  Instead, it is about God's story- about His love, His purpose for this earth, and how He wants ME to be a part of that.

If you've never thought about this before, I know it sounds super strange.  It almost sounds like we have an arrogant God who only cares about this big picture, but that's not what it is at all.  God is a loving, caring god who has a wonderful plan for this world, and He loves you and me so much that he wants to give us a place in that plan.  [I had no idea this post was gonna feel so 'preachy' sounding, so forgive me.  But it's just a huge piece of my heart so I feel like I have to share, in order to be true to who I am.]    

It's a lot to think about.  I know.  It took me awhile to understand the difference between these two perspectives, but once I did- it was a HUGE shift for me.  It is this perspective change, this understanding that I am a part of God's desire to love and redeem the whole world, that really gave me an understanding of my place in this world.

What I'm now realizing is that for me, it's not really a question of what my purpose is, but of how I am going to fulfill that purpose.  

After reading the verse "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me" - I am walking away feeling encouraged.  I feel such a strong affirmation that even though right now I have no inclination of what my next steps are, or what my day-to-day, future job calling may look like, He does in fact have a purpose for me.  And HE WILL fulfill it.  But not only does he know the what of my purpose, He also knows the how.  And I am confident that in His perfect timing, I will know that part too.

I'm not alone in this... You, too, ARE GOING TO fulfill the purpose that the Lord has planned for you. Is this something you've thought about?  My hope is that if you haven't, you might.  It's a difficult question to think about, but it can be so so rewarding.

xoxo

Be in Love With Your Life

The moment that I first read this statement, I found myself in a place where I was pretty certain that I was not "in love" with my life.  A friend posted this image on her Instagram feed and I'm really glad she did because it got me thinking.  

I decided that there are two ways to attempt to make it true in your life.  You can choose to have a joyful attitude, regardless of what is happening around you- resulting in for the most part, being more in love with your life.  -and/or- You can choose to surround yourself with the things that you love, the activities, the people that truly make you happy, give you joy in life.  

The attitude change is more of a no-brainer.  It totally makes sense to just simply change perspective and decide to put more effort into enjoying each moment.  In my most recent work experience, I was very challenged to do just that.  

As I have explained in earlier posts, for the past year and a half, I have been in a land of in-between.  This place of in between led me to a position much different than my ministry assistant role at a church- I was now a sales associate at a women's clothing boutique.  My experience working at the boutique was a mixture of "I love this!  Fashion! How fun?" and "Oh my word, I'm so bored- could I possibly organize scarves for another minute?"  I tried SO hard to simply change my attitude, to be okay with where God had me for now, and enjoy as much as I could.  But day after day of trying to be positive I found myself asking the questions: Do I just need to change my attitude? Or is that not going to cut it, and it's really just an unhappy, stressful situation that I could easily cut out of my life?

But the choice of surrounding yourself with things that you love, is a bit more difficult to process.  On one hand I think it is a smart thing to do- cut out the things in your life that make you unhappy, or don't encourage you, replace with something you do love- and as a result you'll love life more.  But on the other hand, can we really live life that way?  Is it really fair or possible to just cut out the things that are uncomfortable or that are difficult?  I don't think it's very realistic in most scenarios.  But is it?  

In my situation, after much consideration and effort to change my attitude- the right choice for me was to move on from the position at the boutique.  It was such a tough decision, but I realized that the position was causing more frustration than joy most days and therefore it just wasn't worth it for me.  I understand that I won't always be in a position where I can just on a whim cut out the bad from my life to make myself more happy.  I am in a unique position where my husband supporting me financially gives me a little more freedom than the average bird.  I get that.  But what I am thankful for is, through this situation- thinking about how to be more joyful, to be more in love with my life, it really helped me gain perspective on the choice that we have to be happy.  

It is so easy to get stuck in a rut, especially when the winter blues hit, and think- ugh, I am stuck in this unhappy place and there's nothing I can do about it.  Sometimes I know that I am perfectly capable of just changing my attitude and being more joyful, but then I'm just too dang lazy to do anything about it!  So instead of being happy- I remain melancholy, lazy, with a bad attitude.  It can be so frustrating!! 

As I've thought more and more about this topic, I have decided to, challenge myself to be more in love with my life.  This post, this idea, has been brewing in my mind for the past 3 weeks and I am so thankful that it has because through it, I honestly think that I have experienced more joy.  In John 10, Jesus says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." Notice He doesn't say, to have a mediocre life, or a life that's boring or lame- He says, "have it to the full."  We live in a world that is full of darkness and heavy things and sadness- all things that threaten to take away our joy.  But God doesn't intend for us to live a sad life!  Through Christ we are given the opportunity to live life to the full- to find Joy in Him.  

A couple in church a couple weeks ago wrote a song with the lyric that said, "Sometimes I find that gladness is a choice we make to step into the light and turn our backs on darkness once again."  What a great illustration!! I love this idea that not only does choosing gladness result in more joy, but it also means that you are turning your back on darkness.  So that is what I am challenging myself to do; to choose to be glad and turn my back on the darkness in this world.  And I challenge you to do the same!  

It all starts with a choice.  Maybe sometimes it will be truly cutting something out like my boutique position, or maybe it will only be a choice to choose to be happy.  Either way, it is so worth it.  If you made it through this lengthy post, I commend you.  And I want to encourage you to take a few moments to dwell on this idea in your life as well.  Perhaps it will be life-changing, who knows! 

xoxo

Working on Fear

Lately the world has felt a bit darker... Whether it be shootings, or loved ones being lost, people sad, and hurting- it has felt as if there is a heavy cloud that has been sweeping in over the area. It's times like this where I find it especially difficult to remain joyful. It's not that there aren't things to be happy and joyful about, because there most definitely are. But for some reason, when things like this happen, it is hard to not just stare straight at the darkness and feel its weight on our shoulders.

This is something that I have been working on since I first started feeling the heaviness of the world a couple weeks ago, and something that I know I need to continue to work on. It is so easy to, in times like these, allow ourselves to be taken over by the sadness and fear of the world. One day I was thinking about the darkness and just feeling really fearful. I started to think about how, if I wanted to (which I never would) I could seriously be afraid of EVERYTHING. In fact, the more I thought about it, it made me want to find a little hole or room where I could block everything else out! It is such a scary phenomenon, is it not? The world can be a very scary place. But this is not where I want to keep my focus. I do not want to live in fear! Fear sucks! Fear inhibits our ability to find joy, our ability to trust, to live life to the fullest as the Lord so desires for us to do. Therefore, this is an area where I need to challenge myself.

A phrase that is often on my heart when I feel afraid is "Even the darkness is not dark to you, for the night is as bright as the day!" This phrase came from an opening ceremony at a mission conference that I went to, but comes from many different places in scripture- one of them being Psalm 139:11-12. It says, "If i say, 'surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, ' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for the darkness is as light to you." This is the reminder that helps me to blow away the cloud of fear that tries so often to settle in over my world. Through Jesus Christ's death on the cross, and his resurrection from the dead- He defeated the devil. He took the weight of the world, the sins of all on his shoulders and died an awful death... but then he did what the devil was not expecting- he Rose again... meaning that He defeated the power of evil! As a result of Christ's sacrifice- with Him, the darkness can have no power over us.

This is a really difficult concept to grasp, especially when we see darkness around us each and every day on this earth. Unfortunately that darkness will continue, it is something that we are going to deal with for the rest of our lives. But I think the important thing is that, we need to realize that we have a part in not letting that darkness rule our lives. And one of the ways that I am going to try to keep the darkness from having power in my own life, is by working on controlling my thoughts, controlling the fears that I have.

I am going to be thinking about this a lot this year, I can feel it... but for now I am going to start with the challenge to redirect my thinking every time that I experience fear trying to creep in. For me, a way to redirect my thinking, to squash the darkness is to think of that verse "even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day." It reminds me that the Lord has defeated the darkness and with Him, His light outshines any heaviness, any pain, any fear that I may have. It's like the verse I wrote in my last post. 

 "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

Directing our thoughts to those things, will wipe away fear and replace it with the peace of God. That is how I will be challenging myself this week.

Discipline to Challenge

Lately, I have been doing a lot of thinking... but not necessarily the good kind of thinking. Let me try to explain. Do you ever have chunks of time where you feel like all you are doing is worrying or having uneasy, not peaceful thoughts? I don't know about you, but I go through little spurts of this here and there. Usually I can recognize when I am feeling this way by noticing that I am especially anxious for no reason or just being really sensitive. And once I'm aware that this is how I am feeling, then I think it through, allow myself a little bit more slack and a few days later it wears off or something.

As of late, I have been struggling with this type of thinking for more than the typical few days. I have noticed myself being especially worrisome, self-conscious, sensitive, and definitely not confident. This is an uncomfortable phenomenon for me. Yes, these are things that I think everyone deals with daily. But we all have our ways of coping with them and feeling like we can conquer them, do we not? It has been starting to bother me that I feel like I am not reaching that place of peace where I feel like I have control over my thoughts. It makes me feel out of whack, like I'm somewhat of a crazy person.

Last night as I lay awake in bed, I was trying to sort through my thoughts and get to the bottom of this. And I feel there are many contributing factors that have brought me to this place of what I feel is not 'good thinking'.

1. I am not being challenged in my job. Taking a job at a boutique, I knew that it would be completely different from my past experience working as a Ministry Assistant with the college ministry. But what I didn't realize was how much it would affect me. I feel like my brain has slipped into a place of laziness because, well, what's the hardest thing I have to think about at a boutique... hmm what shirt will go with those pants? How can my boss operate that way, what is she thinking? Where should I put these scarves so they will sell faster? Yikes. Coming from a girl who loved developing a study curriculum for college students, and got really energized from writing and delivering a 25 minute message to students- feeling like I was in a place where I was constantly thinking about things that were challenging... this new place is really doing nothing for me.

2. I have not set aside time to do reflective thinking. As you can see based on the last time that I blogged, it has been quite awhile since I felt I had something to say. This is not okay for me. It really helps me to be processing out loud, via type or what-have-you. And to see that I have not done this, shows me that something is off, that I am clearly not myself or that I am disconnected for some reason. I have not given myself the chance, or Challenged myself to think deeper. To make my brain work in a different manner than what I have been doing in my 'working hours.'

3. I have not been digging deeper in my relationship with the Lord. This, above all else, is really what my 'funk' comes down to- I know that. Being in this new place in my career (can I even really call it that at this point??) I have allowed myself to become a lazy thinker. Not being challenged in my job, being pushed to challenge myself- I feel like I have become a more undisciplined person. Life is all about discipline, is it not? Disciplining ourselves to eat right, to work out, to study in school, to be kind to others, to spend time in the word. I'm digressing, but the point is... for me- I have let my disciplines fall to the wayside. I miss studying the word regularly. I miss being in a small group that challenges me, asks me hard questions. I miss reading books that push me to think outside my little box. I miss being self reflective. I miss feeling like I am making practical steps towards being transformed more into Christ's likeness. (Yes I realize God is the one who transforms us, but it takes our personal discipline too.)

What I think this all comes down to is this. I have gotten lazy. I have gotten complacent. I hate that word by the way because what good comes from complacent? I NEED to be CHALLENGED. That means first and foremost I need to really hype myself up, challenge myself to be in the word daily, to set aside time for reflective thinking, and to take a class, read a book, or do a study that is going to help me learn new things about/from the Lord. And secondly, I want to continue to ask myself- what am I doing? or- what can I be doing differently to challenge myself more? Maybe that will mean finding a new job where I am at least encouraged in my discipline of challenging myself.

I think I just figured it out. I think I finally put it to words... Discipline to Challenge. That's kind of an awkward title/phrase/whatever-you-call-it. But stay with me for a second. To challenge means "something that by its nature or character serves as a call to battle, contest, or special effort..." The part that jumps out at me is the beginning - 'something that by its nature or character serves as a call." That's what I feel like I am missing!! I am missing the SOMETHING that is serving as a call for special effort.

As a disciple of Christ, He is the something that serves as a call to battle, contest, or special effort. I have been called by Christ to be His follower, to share His love with the world- and it is by His love, it is His nature that "serves as a call", that Challenges me.

Forgive me for blabbing on and on and on. But apparently I've gotten so out of the habit of thinking in this reflective way that it took me this long to realize where I was going with this. But here it is...

1. What I have been missing as of late is the reminder that I am constantly being challenged- that I am constantly being called to put forth special effort by Him to follow Him.

2. I need to be continually finding the other somethings in life that also serve as a call for special effort, that encourage me in my endeavors of the first, most important challenge.

PHEW!  I did it!  Finally feel like I had some "good thinking!!"   

As I leave you today, I am going to continue to process this realization that I made about myself this morning. I am going to take steps towards drawing nearer to the One who ultimately challenges me, serves as my call. And I am going to work on the practical aspects of my life, that help me build up that discipline to be challenged. May it be finding a different job, getting back into a work-out schedule... whatever it is- I need to make sure that the aspects of my life all come back to the Ultimate Challenge in my life- that is to Follow Christ as He calls me.

Let me leave you with a verse that God put on my heart today.  

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.  Philippians 4:8-9 (emphasis added)

Taking a breath

If there's one thing that I learned from my working days since college, it is that taking a breath every once in awhile is so important. In fact it is crucial- to both remaining sane, and giving ourselves the time to think, to reflect, to lament if need be, about where we are in life and what we have to be thankful for. 

Almost a month has gone by since I started my new job at the little boutique- and I feel like now is the first time I have had to just be on my own, have some Mindy time, and breathe. So that is what I am doing today. Yes, I have a list of things that need to get done, and an engagement this evening- but for the next 5 hours I am going to unwind, and think about where my heart's at.

I am definitely a person who highly values balance. Although I don't mind being constantly busy, having lots of fun things to do, with many plans - if I don't have a "down" day or a day to relax in between, then I will go a bit crazy. I feel like life has been like that lately. Just a bit all over the place, especially with me and my husband starting new jobs this month.

Maybe I should start there by saying that we could not be happier that my husband made the move to this new company. I feel like I have not meditated or given God the praise that He so deserves for providing this huge blessing for us. As you may remember, I've posted quite a few laments about his last position. He wasn't getting home until 3 in the morning, we never ate dinner together, he was working weekends, and the list goes on and on. But now it is like a complete turn around. My husband is home by 6:30 or 7:00, they do not email in the evenings, they don't email on the weekends, we have eaten many dinners together, and they even organize fun things like happy hours for their employees. It is in the world of Chris and Mindy- a dream come true.

With that said, I am still adjusting to this new place we are in. I have no complaints, because it is a good place, a wonderful place, a more normal, married couple place. But I am still adjusting.

Part of that adjustment is that I have re-joined the working world as well. To be honest, that is probably more of the adjustment for me. Not that I am having trouble having a desire to work, but I am having trouble balancing it all. Before, I was not working- I did all the housework, cleaned, laundry, dishes, etc. I made dinner here and there but he was hardly home. Now its a completely different picture. I am not home all the time, and he is home a lot more often. So we have started to share the responsibilities. This sounds great doesn't it?! Well for some reason I am having a hard time adjusting to this. I want to be able to cook him meals, to have him come home and smell the delicious concoction I am making in the kitchen. Overall I want to be a good wife. Call me traditionalist, which surprises me actually- but maybe I want to be a bit more of the traditional wife than I realized? That thought is weird for me. (I think I'll come back to that thought in a future post.)

This post is a bit all over the place, perhaps because that is where my mind is today- all over the place. I have a slight problem with over-analyzing everything. I have a hard time not over-thinking things. I think that's why for me, these days of "taking a breather" attempting to not think so much, are SO important to my sanity. With that said, I am having a hard time not over-thinking my new adventure at the boutique. Coming from a job where I worked at a church, in a position where I could really each day connect with my purpose, where I could walk away knowing, okay this is why I am doing this- to care for God's people and to better reach more people.... and now in a position where the purpose is to sell, to make the store look pretty, to encourage people to buy things, to tell customers how fabulous they look in the beautiful coat they are trying on, I am having a harder time connecting with my purpose in life. I know that my role as a follower of Christ, and my purpose in life does not change with me being in a "secular" job now. But it does mean that I have to be a bit more creative in connecting with that purpose each and every day, with being loving when my boss is being oh so critical of the way that I decided to arrange the display or the folded sweaters on the shelf.

This place in life is definitely a new one, and I am intrigued to see what God has in store. So for now, I think my challenge is to continue to trust Him, to continue to lean into Him as the one who knows All- especially when my little brain is trying so hard to figure it all out. So for today, I've done my thinking (as this blog often helps me do) and it is time to unwind, to relax, to breathe- and just simply be thankful for what God has provided for me.

A New Adventure

It has been about two weeks since my last post- and I can't believe how fast that time has gone by. If you recall, my last post was an exciting, joy-filled post about my husband finally being able to relax and enjoy himself because he decided to leave his last crazy job to move onto what we hope will be a better fit for us. These last two weeks have been SO GREAT. My sweet hubby finally had a chance to just RELAX!!! He was able to go shopping for the pants and socks that he really needed. We were able to go on a little trip to Florida (for a friend's wedding) with no concern of being interrupted by his work Blackberry. We made meals together; we made cookies together. He napped during the day! We really got a chance to re-connect and just BE together. It was seriously such a blessing.

As I sit here today in the quiet of our apartment, I must admit that it is quite lonely. Last night as my husband and I wrapped up our Sunday evening in our traditional way- watching Iron Chef on the Food Network, I started to feel a bit teary. Knowing that our special time together was coming to an end, I was reminded of the many times when he would have to leave on a Sunday night. For those of you who don't know- my husband and I endured much of our relationship as a long distance one. (Not just a couple hours, talking mid-west and east coast sort of distance). It felt like one of those sad days where he had to leave me again and it wouldn't be quite awhile until the next time I saw him.

I know that this obviously is not the case. Thanks to getting married, I now live with him and have the pleasure of seeing him everyday. But- with his old job, we were so robbed of the everyday pleasure of spending time together. Although we have hopes that this new position will be 60-70 hours a week versus the 90 he was doing, the fear still creeps in a little bit as I send him off to his new job today. It is hard not to be afraid that what happened in his last position is going to happen again here. But then I need to be reminded of how faithful God has been to us.

I feel a little out of whack as I write this post, as if its been so long since I've found my "blogging voice"- but the point of this post is just to reflect on and be thankful for the blessing of this new adventure that we have been given. The crazy thing, that I have yet to share in this venue, is that I too am starting a new adventure. A short two days after my husband left his previous position to accept a new one, I found myself a fabulous little part time job. I am sure there will be many posts to share about this one. But for now, the basics. I started last working last week at a little boutique only a few minutes away from where we live. I will have the pleasure of tapping into my love for fashion as I basically act as a personal shopper to any customer who comes in, helping her find some pieces that look great on her. This is SO completely different from my last position working in a church, but I am excited for this change- and I look forward to the fun (and I'm sure some frustrations) that will happen.

Well I must end this post, in a rather unpolished fashion (ick), as I need to go find myself some comfy flats or boots to wear for standing on my feet all day at the new job. Any recommendations for places to find these great shoes, send them my way.

Overall- I am so thankful. So blessed, to the point that I haven't even wrapped my mind around it yet. God is good. If you're in place where you don't feel thankful and blessed, hang in there. Choose to be thankful (even for the little things) - it changes your attitude helping you focus on the things that are good. God is faithful and will bless you in the best way He knows how, in His timing.

A Happy Husband

I cannot begin to grasp how different the scene at the Larsen home is tonight. I have been lamenting for months about how my husband works a ridiculous job that requires him to be on the job 90-100 hours a week. It has made for a very interesting first year of marriage. After getting seriously screwed by the year end bonus in July, (he basically worked 2 years in a the span of a year and only got paid for a year and a half- yeah... try that out for size) and this past month hours continuing to grow without an end in sight- it was getting to be too much to keep tolerating. As a move of desperation and hopes of a better future and a happier today, my husband decided that it was about time to put his "feelers out" (what a weird phrase) and open his mind to a career change.

Without dragging this story out and telling every detail, I'm going to jump to the exciting conclusion. I can officially say that today my husband accepted a new job!!! We are SO BLESSED... so so Blessed. It's too difficult to even explain the pieces, to tell you the story of how my husband landed this new position. Or maybe it's for another time. But what I can tell you, is that we could not be more excited about this change. Being promised not only an increase in salary, less hours, the same job that he loves- and most importantly being treated with respect are just a few of the aspects that I look forward to for my sweet hubby in this new position. I realize it is still in the crazy field of Investment Banking, and for that reason this will by no means be a 40 hour work week. I understand that he will still work 60-70 hours a week and I am sure that I will again find myself on this page lamenting about feeling lonely or whatever- but of one thing I am most certain... Anything will be better than where he was. I hesitated for a moment there as I typed that last sentence almost in fear that if I say that then all of a sudden we'll find out this new job is worse than the old one. But not only is that just being silly and superstitious, I seriously don't think it's humanly possible. With all that said, I am beyond THRILLED to be able to say Farewell and Good Riddance to my husband's last position.

There are so many things I could say that I look forward to about this new position. But let me take you back to how I started my post and describe to you why tonight has felt so different. Tonight is the first time in months and months and months that my husband seems truly happy. I mean REALLY happy. I'm not saying he hasn't found happiness outside of his position but I'm saying there was always a catch. The buzzing cell phone sitting on the coffee table rudely jousting him out of his relaxed pose on the couch. Another email coming in, needing to be tended to. But tonight- it's just different. Tonight, the cell phone continues to buzz, issues continue to come up in emails, but instead of jumping, he sits relieved. Knowing that it is no longer him who is responsible to manage the page that needs to be adjusted, he sounds happier, he looks happier and he's RELAXING!!!!

I am filled with joy and so so thankful for this next journey we are about to take. I am so thankful for the breath that my husband has been given in between jobs. I am thankful for the smile on my husband's face as he says, "man are we blessed" and "I'm excited about this change babe!" And I am excited that I am able to now look forward to more nights like this; where I get to sit on the couch and write, he can sit on the floor playing his video game and we can just BE together. This is indeed a different scene at the Larsen home on a weeknight, but it is definitely one that I look forward to getting used to.

God is good. He is faithful. He blesses us even when we don't ask for it. He SHOWS US that WE ARE LOVED. All the glory goes to Him.

Wedding Ring: Does it mean anything

I am not sure where it came from, or when it started, but for the past several years I have had a passion for salsa dancing. Passion is a strong word, I suppose, but let's just say I really enjoy salsa dancing. I went for the first time with my sister and a group of her friends years ago, and had a blast! Sure it is a bit intimidating and you have to be quick on your feet, a quick learner and willing to trip over yourself, your partner, and willing to laugh at yourself a bit. But besides that, it's super great.

Overall, I LOVE dancing. I was always a huge fan of the middle school sock hops, high school dances, prom, homecoming, you name it- I was there. Wedding dances are my favorite! If there is an empty floor and a good DJ, you can always count on this girl to be one of the first ones on the floor. With that said, when I had my first experience with salsa dancing- I fell in love. I love the more organized aspect of it. The idea of having specific steps and dancing because it is a passion is something that I admire in the salsa communities. Now I understand that there are elements "dirty dancing" at a salsa club, but I appreciate that it's not the nasty 'grinding up on each other' sort of dancing. (Which really, is that even dancing?)  With salsa it's more about the dance, the culture of it all... I feel like I'm starting to sound like I'm straight out of Footloose defending dancing or something.

And now, I've gotten quite far away from where I originally meant to go with this post. I'll try to focus and pull it together. Because of this curiosity or intrigue with salsa dancing- I decided to try taking a Salsa dance class. Tonight was the night. I asked a friend to come with me and she was a great sport not having danced salsa before. I've been salsa dancing a few times before, so I caught on pretty quickly. Overall it was a BLAST!! There were about 12 of us there, a pretty good balance of men and women and we all took turns with different partners learning some advanced beginner steps, and then on to an intermediate dance. All in all, it was a great experience. I would definitely go back and do it again.

But then... there was a little part of the evening that tainted my experience. Long story short without explaining everything, one of the men that I danced with later proceeded to ask if I wanted his number. Ugh. Here is where the title of this post should start to make sense. What I don't get is, Does a wedding ring mean NOTHING? You danced with me, you held my hand (because you have to in salsa dancing), I was talking with my hands as I explained I wasn't going to be at the next salsa event tomorrow and yet somehow either you are blind and missed the rock and band on my finger, OR, you are just choosing to ignore it. No- I don't want your number! I'm wearing a ring that means I am MARRIED- off the market! And I know you're not just trying to be my friend.

It both frustrates me and makes me feel sad. Sure, there is an element of every girl, whether you admit it or not, that loves to be admired or wanted. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't feel nice to know that someone has interest. But does that mean that it is okay for you to be hitting on me when clearly I am wearing a ring on my left hand which has the role of being a physical reminder of the promise that I made to a man who is my HUSBAND? No- in my book that's not okay.

The reason it makes me sad is because it makes me wonder what this world is really coming to. Has our world really become SO corrupted that marriage means nothing? Therefore the physical reminder of the wedding ring on the finger also doesn't give the signal to not hit on me? Sad.

To me, my wedding ring stands for the choice I have made to be in a loving relationship with one man for the rest of my life. That doesn't mean that if you see me without him by my side, then I'm fair game. It means, if you want to admire me, tell me that I'm hot or whatever the heck you want- then fine-  go for it (like I said, I'm a girl, we all like it)! Go ahead and tell me my husband is a lucky man, or something!  I won't get mad at you for that.  But then cut it off there, don't hit on me.  Then I can walk away having respect for you because you respected the fact that I'm a married woman.

Point is- if you're single and you see that someone is wearing a wedding ring, or engagement ring, BE RESPECTFUL! Have the common courtesy to stick to the friend zone, just chat, whatever!! Don't be the fool who hits on a married woman.

Marriage should mean something these days. It does to me.

Careful Love

Today I am hung up yet again on a verse from Joshua.  Today the verse is Joshua 23:11, but to set up 11, I will share 10 too.  

One of you routs a thousand, because the Lord your God fights for you, just as he promised.  So be very careful to love the Lord your God.

It's that last part, verse 11, So be very careful to love the Lord your God,  that gets me.  What an interesting concept... being "careful to love".  When I think I love, I don't really think of something that is careful.  In the movies, all you see is crazy love.  The love that causes you to chase someone down in the airport to simply say I love you.  The love where two strangers meet and instantly sparks fly and a lifelong bond is formed.  The love that destroys marriages because two people figure out they were "destined" to be with someone else.  The crazy, irrational love where two estranged lovers run into each others arms to be caught up in a passionate embrace.  But is this really what love looks like?  Most often, no.  

It seems so strange to read the words be very careful to love, and yet the more I think about it- it's quite a wise instruction.  In fact, shouldn't we be way more careful in the way we love than crazy?  Sure it's great to do crazy things every once in awhile as a result of love for someone.  Like a spontaneous trip or silly love notes or a surprise visit. But overall, if I had to choose between a crazy love and a careful love- by all means, I would choose careful.  

Think about that for a minute.  A careful love.  What does that look like?  In my mind, that would be a love that is very thought out, well nurtured, well cared for, and never forgotten.  Being in my first year of marriage, I have learned quite well that it is SO important to care for your love.  It is so easy to get caught up in the craziness of life, the busyness of work schedules and lose sight of the great love that you have for each other because you are just too busy.  That is not a careful love.  

When Joshua says these words, he is basically on his deathbed saying his final words to the Israelites.  He is reminding them of the great things that God has done for them, that He continues to fight for them, and he is warning/urging them to "be very careful to love the Lord your God."  The Israelites have a bad track record for getting distracted by other idols and desires, so this reminder is quite important.  Joshua wants to encourage them to nurture their love for God, to truly follow Him, being ever so careful to not let their love be swayed toward another.

What a great reminder and challenge.  Be very careful to love.  I want to be careful to love.  I want my love for others in my life to be well thought out, to be intentional, to be a caring, nurtured love that I am an active participant in protecting.  And even more so, I want to very carefully love the Lord my God.  In this world we live in, every day is a struggle between what is good and what is evil.  I wish it did not have to be that way, but it is.  It is a struggle to stay grounded, to be continually focusing on the Lord in every single moment, to be a solid example of Jesus.  I like the words Joshua says "be very careful to love..."  To me, it is a good reminder that loving God with our lives is not easy, it is something that takes a lot of care, a lot of thought, and a lot of intentionality. There will be things that are going to try to distract us, take our focus off of our love for Him.  The evil one is a sneaky little bugger and we need to be oh so careful not to let him take hold of our lives in any way.  

Careful love. This is something I'd like to think more about. 

But for now, I will take Joshua's words to heart.  I will challenge myself to Be very careful to love the Lord my God; to protect my love for Him, and do whatever I can to keep from being distracted or swayed by the idols of this world.

Promises

Sitting here at my breakfast table enjoying a late breakfast, doing some reading in my Bible, I have gotten hung up on a verse.  After finishing reading Deuteronomy with my friend, I moved right on to reading Joshua.  Here's the verse that I've been thinking about.

Not one of all the Lord's good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled.  Joshua 21:45

 I've been thinking a lot lately about God's faithfulness.  About how He is always faithful, never fails, always follows through.  This verse came as a reminder of that faithfulness to me today.  And yet it also came as a challenge.  

It's crazy to think that God keeps ALL of His promises isn't it?  But the question that really has my brain cranking today is the question of- what promises has God made to me that I don't even think about or realize?  I think so often it's easy to get caught up in our human desires, thinking about what we want and how God should be faithful to us by blessing those desires.  But that's where we have it all backwards. It's not about us and what we want Him to be faithful to us about- or what promises we want Him to make to us.  It's about us realizing the awesome promises that God has already made to us in His Word- and thinking about how they impact the way we live our lives.  

When God makes a promise He NEVER backs out, He Always fulfills it.  I love that last line of Joshua 21:45 - Every one was fulfilled.  Every single one of the promises God made to the house of Israel was fulfilled.  In the context of what's happening, Joshua is referring to the promises God made to the tribes of Israel regarding the land they are to inherit.  It's awesome to think that God is in the little things like where people are going to live.  

I think maybe the reason this verse spoke to me is because I need this reminder that God is faithful in all His promises, that every one is fulfilled.  The promise that keeps coming to my mind today is the simple promise Jesus made- "Surely I am with you always to the very end of the age."  I am not exactly sure why that is the one that comes to mind, but I am so thankful that I know with great certainty that God is going to stay true to that promise and be with me, in the thick and thin, every single day no matter what is going on in my life.  

As I continue to dwell on this verse, I want to challenge myself to think of the other promises that God reveals to us in His word.  They are such good reminders and great revelations of what the character of God is like.  If you happen to stumble across my page and have a favorite promise of God that you cling to or that encourages you, please post it in a comment.  I'd love to see how others are encouraged by God's faithfulness too.  

Until then- have a great day and remember that Every one of God's promises is fulfilled.  

My Olympic Obsession

Hi. My name is Mindy, and I am an Olympic-aholic. 

For weeks I have been looking forward to seeing those rings on NBC and hearing the "Dum dum da dum dum dum da dum dum dum dum"(if you can't hear the song when you read those words, you need to watch some Olympic coverage). In order to prepare for and build my own excitement for the opening ceremony I painted my nails to start getting in the Olympic spirit.

Finally, the big day rolled around and I decided to dress accordingly for the opening ceremony; ready to cheer on my country. 

My sister made me pose for a pic saying, "I need to capture this.  My sister in full swing.  Yup that's my sister". She gets quite a kick out of my style sometimes.

Now that the opening ceremony is over and the events have begun, I'm not going to lie- I'm kind of like a kid in the candy store when the Olympics are on.  I get all sorts of excited at the idea of watching all the different events.  I was pretty excited today because I was able to bring a portable tv for my desk to watch the Olympics while at work.  No complaints here.  

I am not sure when it all began, but I definitely have an addiction to the Olympics. There's something extremely beautiful about watching the world come together in one place, even if it is to compete against each other in athletic events. Besides my love for sports, especially volleyball, maybe underneath it all it's the idea of a sample of all of God's people coming together in a peaceful manner. While watching the opening ceremony my sister commented, "I bet God loves the Olympics... I bet He's proud." Well wouldn't he be? I mean sure, competing against each other can end up getting a little ugly if people get upset or mean or something. But overall, it's pretty cool that people from all over the world are in one place. It's like a tiny sample of what heaven will be like right? A melting pot of every country come together for the same great purpose.

Regardless of whether it's my love for sports, or the coming together of all the countries- I am hopelessly in love with the Olympics.  There is something nostalgic or comforting about the voice of Bob Costas, or the sound of the Olympic theme song.  I'm quite excited for the days and nights left of quality time spent in front of the TV living vicariously through these athletes who compete to be the Best at what they do.  As the torch goes out in 2 weeks, it will be a sad moment until excitement re-builds and we come together again to watch the world compete in the winter Olympics in 2014.

So tonight... go home, spend some time with Bob Costas and join me in my love for the Olympics.

Formal Complaint

I'm sitting on the floor in my bedroom with the "smoking porch" (as I call it, aka tiny tiny balcony fit for a smoker to stand out on) door wide open, just listening to the rain.  It's 1:49 in the morning and I am so so thankful for the sound of the raindrops hitting the pavement; the sound of them beating on the leaves of the trees just out my window.  It has been weeks and weeks since we have had rain.  Fires were starting all over the place.  But here again, God provides.  He knows exactly what our land needs, what we need, and he provides because He is faithful.  

Based on previous posts or the About Me section of my blog, you can see that I am a newly married woman (of already 8 months at this point).  And so you might think, "what are you doing up at almost 2 in the morning? Why aren't you in bed sleeping next to your husband?"  Well unfortunately you will find me, right next to you asking this same question; seriously why am I not in bed sleeping soundly next to my new husband?  

As I sit here listening to the beautiful sound of the rain, it is hard to, on one hand, feel so angry, and on the other hand, so appreciative and so IN LOVE with the way that God is providing this rain.  I have been doing my best to keep my frustrations at bay, and not publish them on my blog.  But at the same time, from the beginning, I told myself that the purpose of this blog would not be for the people who happen to stumble across my page, but for myself.  I started this blog as a form of creativity; a way to discover who I am in this new place as a married woman, figuring out what life looks like and what God has for me next.  With that said, I have to be honest and say that these past few months have been difficult.  

I am, what I like to call, a "work widow."  My husband works anywhere from 90-100 hours a week.  I know when you hear that you probably want to say, yeah okay miss exaggeration. And I wish I could say, "yeah you caught me".  But I can't.  I married a man who works for an investment bank.  Not the personal investment sort, but investments dealing with companies.  Basically what his company does is acts as the middle man between the companies who want to sell and the companies who want to buy another company.  In theory, it's a great job.  It pays really well, has good benefits, and good perks.  But as a newlywed wife who wants to see her husband, it is about time I file a "formal complaint."  

Now I wish I was filing a formal complaint with his company.  Trust me, there have been so many times where I have played over and over in my head the scenario of me telling off his boss, or pictured and planned out how I would write a book that would expose how ridiculous and how inhumane this position is.  There have been so many times, especially in the past month where I have thought- "I can't do this anymore, something has to change with this job or it is seriously going to start affecting our marriage."  Let's just say that right now is one of those times.  

So as I sit here, with the door open, listening to the comforting sound of the rain and the thunder, and the beautiful flashes of lightning, I wonder to myself- how is God going to provide in my situation?  I have so much pent up frustration and disgust with the way that the business world works today... it makes me SO angry sometimes.  I have gotten into many discussions about how the business world works, about the crazy demands that people have on each other, and how it must be SO FAR away from what God intends for us that it makes me CRAZY.  

All in all, I am not sure what the point of this post is.  I don't want to talk a bunch of crap about my husband's job or about the situation I am in.  I love him to death, and I am so thankful for what we have in our lives.  But in all honesty, I am so so frustrated.  I know that God loves me, that God loves us and that he created marriage to be a beautiful thing where husband and wife get to see each other and enjoy spending time together and love on each other... but I also know that this is a fallen world.  There are many things that mess up the beautiful picture that God created this place to be.  

And so the question I ask is, what should I do from here?  Just like God provided the much needed rain tonight, I know that He will provide exactly what my husband and I need.  But in the mean time, what am I supposed to do... sit tight, waiting for the clouds to form and the drops of rain to fall?  If so, then okay- that's all I need to know.  Sometimes all we need is that promise of rain- the forecast in the weather saying, "Yes, IT IS GOING TO RAIN" for us to hang in there and wait, even if it doesn't happen right when they predict.  

That's what I feel I need.  That simple encouragement that things will get better.  That it won't always be like this.  That my righteous anger, my "formal complaint" against the business world and the ungodly way that they conduct the industry, is not in vain.  God is good.  We have a God who provides, who is faithful NO MATTER WHAT- of that I am confident.  My prayer right now is that the rain would come quickly.  That I would have an understanding, an encouragement that this time of frustration would have a foreseeable end, and that I would have nothing but patience and LOVE to extend to my husband even in the moments where all I feel is sadness.  

To those of you fellow "work widows" out there- I am praying for you.  You are not alone.  God is good and He will make it right.  

What is your calling?

Today I was talking with a dear friend of mine about the infamous question "What is your calling?" I don't know about you, but I feel like it is one of those questions that you are asked a ton- especially right around college graduation and into your twenties as you're still figuring life out (and this could be longer, but I can only speak for the twenties so far). Yes, sure- this question could take many forms... What do you want to be when you grow up? What do you want to do with your life? What kind of job do you want? What is your "blue sky" dream? (That was my favorite version of the question- like if you could do ANYTHING what would it be?)

I feel like I have a love/hate relationship with that question. When I am talking with a good friend about this question it can be a bit more fun. It's like an opportunity to think about your dreams, about what you might want to do if there were no limits. But when that rando person, way extended relative asks, so "what is your calling?" Sometimes I just want to roll my eyes, give a heavy sigh, and maybe even punch them in the face. Okay not really- but still. That question is such a tricky one isn't it?

When I graduated college- I had no idea what I wanted to do. I chose a major and minor that I loved. I was a Religion major and a French minor at a private liberal arts college. Put those two areas of study and what do you get? Well- other than me, I'm not sure. It definitely doesn't lead directly into a field like a teacher or a nurse does.

But there is one aspect of that infamous question that I have known my entire life, and that is living my life to love the Lord. When I was really little and people would ask the question "What do you want to do/be when you grow up?" I would always answer- well, I want to do something for God and I want to help people. To be honest, I'd like to (and still do) respond like this today. Really, nothing has changed in that answer. The only thing that has changed is, well I've grown up a bit, and my understanding of what living for God looks like has grown. 

The one calling that I know for certain is a part of my being is, being called to follow Jesus. After this, everything else comes second- or at least it should. In the midst of my weird place of transition, I think I have somehow allowed this understanding to become a little cloudy. Following Jesus is one of those things that in theory is "simple". Our goal is to seek the Lord, understand Him more and learn to love like Him- sounds simple (in theory). But then you throw in the icky ways of the world that tempt us, that we get sucked into and it all gets jumbled; we get confused, we get distracted, lazy, or just lose sight of what our first goal in life must always be.

So then what is my calling? Yes, it is to live to love like Jesus- and to share that love with others so that they might learn to love Him too. I understand that, I really do. But the beautiful thing is that we can do that with with any profession; so that's where I get confused. Straight out of college I went to work for a church. I worked with the college ministry and LOVED it. It challenged me, it made me take my faith super seriously, it made me who I am right now. But now, here I am, in a new place in life and asking that question all over again.

Over these past months, I think I've been too busy being either in denial or just plain lazy, afraid to admit the fact that I have no idea what's next- no idea where I'm being called. I haven't thought about the question seriously, haven't sought out the Lord's direction for me. Sure I've had some random thoughts, kind of out there ideas like starting my own Nail Art business (as you can see I have a blast with nail art), opening a shoe store, etc.  Besides those ideas, I'm a bit clueless right now.  So this is me, admitting to you that I think it's time to start asking that question again. I don't expect for immediate answers- definitely not, but I think I'm willing to start the adventure, to allow myself to dream big, and to trust that God will be right here with me helping me figure out what's next, whether its a big step or a small one.

Have you found where God is calling you for now? Or are you searching, just like me? Hang in there. God has a plan for this world, and He wants us to be a part of it. We just have to be willing to ride out the wave while we figure out what's next.