Go immediately

This morning I opened my Bible and started a new study in the book of Galatians.  The way I like to study is by slowly working my way through the book, one chapter at a time.  Anytime something strikes me, I stop, re-read the verses and ask questions.  What is the author saying here?  Why did it strike me?  What is God saying to me through this verse?  Today, in the first chapter of Galatians, verses 15-17 prompted me to do just that. 

Galatians 1:15-17 says, 
"But when God, who set me apart from birth and called me by his grace, was pleased to reveal his Son in me so that I might preach him among the Gentiles, I did not consult any man, nor did I go to Jerusalem to see those who were apostles before I was, but I went immediately into Arabia and later returned to Damascus."

Here's what jumped out at me - But when God... called me by his grace... I did not consult any man... but I went immediately.  Take a minute to think about that.  Paul, this Jew who was in full persecution mode wreaking havoc on followers of Christ, learned about the gospel in a unique manner.  He didn't come to know God through other men, but by direct revelation from Jesus Christ.  And in that moment, when God called him, he didn't hesitate.  He didn't stop to ask his friends, "hey guys, do you think this makes sense?  Isn't that weird?  These guys I was persecuting, I think they might have it right!"  He didn't go talk to the apostles who were already established in their faith.  He went immediately.  

His powerful example blows my mind and really challenges me.  How often do I hesitate when I feel that God is calling me to do something or say something?  How often do I hem and haw; is God saying that?  Or is that me thinking it?  I think about this a lot in regards to my writing.  I had a feeling that God was calling me to write but I waited, I questioned, and continued in my own way.  Then finally I submitted.  I said okay God, if this is your call, if this is what you want me to do for you then I am all in. 

God is before all things and in Him all things hold together - so why do we doubt what He has for us?  Paul's example demonstrates this mightily as verse 24 says, "And they praised God because of me."  If God can change a man who brutally tortured and slaughtered believers, into someone who pointed so many to His glory, then why wouldn't we trust that He will equip us and transform us for the call that He places on our lives?  When God calls me to do something, I want to be like Paul and go immediately.  Without even a moment's hesitation I want to surrender myself fully and trust that He will lead me.  

If you feel God's call, can I ask you - are you jumping into motion?  If not, let me encourage you - GO IMMEDIATELY. Trust in our everlasting, ever-loving God who knows what is best for you.  If He is leading you there, He will not desert you.  Get excited about where He's directing you, and step faithfully.  

Be prepared in season and out of season

Volleyball is my sport.  I have played since middle school and still continue to play on several rec leagues and man, I miss the every day practices that made me good at my craft of being a setter.  Now that I only play once or twice a week, the ball doesn't always go exactly where I planned... Sometimes it's too far off the net, too tight, or I didn't get to the pass quick enough and the attempted set goes right in the net.  I work my booty off to try to bring my skills back to where they were in my glory days, but being that we only play once or twice a week, the perfection of my skills can only go so far.  

If you want to be able to ever-so-lightly touch the volleyball so that it comes off your fingertips with no-spin and is effortlessly placed at the perfect spot off the net, at just the right height, so that your hitter's hand can contact the ball at the top of their swing and follow through, slamming the ball into the ground destroying any possibility of the other team being able to dig the ball and create a new play... you can't just show up on the first game day and expect perfection to happen.  You have to be in shape.  You have to be super quick on your feet to get to every ball whether the pass is perfect or not.  You have to have strong forearms so the set can be created with ease.  You need to have strong legs to get low enough to dig a short ball, and to be able to jump high enough to block the other team's attempt to spike or to jump-set a pass that was way too tight to the net.  And none of that happens overnight.  If you want to be a prime athlete, you need to be prepared in season and out of season.  

As a follower of Christ, my goal is to become more and more like Him everyday so that I might be a good representation of God's love and encourage others to get to know Him and be a part of what He is doing.  But just like I can't be an amazing setter without much preparation and practice, I can't be a great representation of Christ without training.  2 Timothy 3:16-17 says, "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."  As practice, strengthening, and endurance are key factors in becoming a good volleyball player- the Word of God is crucial in training to be a woman of God who is equipped for every good work. 

2 Timothy goes on to say in chapter 4 verse 2, "Preach the word: be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke, and encourage-- with great patience, and careful instruction." I believe wholeheartedly that the Bible is God-breathed and is central to my growth, but just like I am only practicing volleyball in season right now, am I doing this too when it comes to the word?

How often am I studying the Bible only when I am really struggling, or when I am in a season of sadness or desperation?  God's word says that if I am to going to be thoroughly equipped, I need to be prepared in season and out of season.  Seeking the Bible only when I'm feeling weak or needing wisdom isn't going to do the trick.  I need to be seeking His wisdom always- to be seeking correction, training, and teaching in all seasons.

What a great conviction that I need to really get to work on being a more disciplined reader of the Word (and I've just exposed the truth that I should practice volleyball more too ;).  Guess it's time to get to work.

More than a Conqueror

Image/design by Liz Carver via Hipster Scripture

Do you ever feel like your life is a battlefield?  No I don't mean like in the 80's song Love is a battlefield (and yet what a great jam)!  What I mean is, do you ever feel like you are trying to fight off some sort of heaviness, some sort of icky feeling, some sort of insecurity, or some form of "darkness"?  Like, no matter how hard you try to stay in a positive, good, joyful mood there seems to be this other force that is trying to bring you down?  Ick. I feel that that has been the story of my week this week.  

The best way I can think of to describe this weird phenomenon that has been taking over my days is like a little dark cloud that very unexpectedly, very unexplainably swoops in over my thoughts, covers over my positive thinking, and leads me to a place of panic.  (Check out my last post Looking for Growth Opportunities  if you want to hear more about what it looks like for me.)  

Unfortunately, this little dark cloud has got me panicked about my upcoming weekend.  There is nothing bad about it, in fact it is supposed to be a fun weekend with friends.  And yet for some odd reason I feel like I have to gear up, put on my armor and figure out how to duke it out against the anxiety that seems to work so hard to defeat me.  

For me, gearing up or preparing for battle looks a lot like grounding myself in the Bible- spending some time with the Lord who brings me peace, loading my mind up with scripture, with encouraging words like, "If God is for us, who can be against us?"  Since I know I am not alone in this icky struggle to battle anxiety, I wanted to share with you what has got me all charged up and ready to fight the fight.

I have been reading in Romans, and today I was reading through Romans 8.  Please check out the rest of it, but in order to keep it brief (ish) I am only going to mention a few verses.  Romans 8:35, 37-39 says:

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ... No, in all these things we are more than conquerorsthrough him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  (emphasis added)

Ooh man, I felt like those words were speaking right to my insecurities, right to my efforts to be preparing for battle.  I mean shoot, it even fits in with my imaginary battle with the terminology of more than conquerors.  To be reminded that THERE IS NOTHING that will separate me from the Lord (in whom I find great peace when I'm struggling) and that through His love I am a conqueror - it gives me such great assurance that I can fight this battle.

Overall, what it gives me, is hope.  A hope that through Christ I really will someday be able to claim the victory over this little dark, anxious cloud that tries to steal my joy.  God created me, through his love, to not just be a conqueror, but to be more than a conqueror.  So that's what I'm going to try to be. I will put on my battle mindset, prepare for the ickiness of this world, and put my hope in the promise that Jesus gives us in John 16:33 where he says, "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world!"

Those words have so often, as of late, been my battle cry.  I literally imagine myself carrying some sort of flag, running up a grassy hill, with my chainmail armor on (yeah, picture that) with a very serious, determined face yelling Jesus' promise "I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD!"  

Go ahead, you can laugh or call me crazy... I'm kind of 12 in the way that I really imagine a storylike picture of things in my life sometimes.  But it helps me to visualize the fact that, yeah I am living in a dark world.  There is most definitely trouble.  I have to take action, to take charge to fight off the ickiness, the garbage that threatens to weigh me down.  It is not going to be easy, in fact it most often isn't.  BUT, as I take up this charge for battle, I don't have to worry about whether my hard work will pay off or whether the battle will be won.  It will be won.  Jesus promises me that.  And so this is where I must place my trust, my hope and my confidence as I struggle with anxiety.  In Jesus words that He has overcome, and his loving reminder that through him I can play a mighty role and be more than a conqueror.  

Fulfilling Purpose

This is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately.  I think it's a totally natural question to ask when like me, you find yourself in a place of transition, of being "in-between things" as I always answer these days when people ask me, "So what do you do?"

I have somewhat of a love/hate relationship with the question 'what is my purpose'.  It's a great one, because it keeps me looking forward; it helps me to dig deep and think about in the long run, what do I want to do with my life and why.  But then on the other hand it sometimes feels like a weight on my shoulders.  On days when I feel less optimistic about finding my calling, thinking about it sends my mind into a spin.   It's the double-edged sword of: This world is full of opportunities- there are many ways that I could find purpose and make a difference VS. this world is FULL of opportunities, how can I possibly determine where my next step should be?

In my mission to be in love with my life I have thought a lot about what inspires me, what gets me motivated.  And I have allowed those to be the things that determine my next steps in the past couple weeks.  That's what is leading me towards putting more effort into this journey with my blog .  But, even amidst choosing joy, there is always the dark voice in the back of my mind that tries to creep in, asking- "well what are you doing this for?  What's the point?  You don't even have a purpose.  Who really even cares, just give up!" When I have moments like this, it is hard not to get discouraged.  To get caught up in the self-destructing mind spin of thinking maybe that little voice is right, maybe I have no purpose, maybe I'm not doing anything that is positively affecting this world, maybe I'm not going to find my purpose.

Struggling with this dark voice lately, I was glad when I stumbled across an encouraging word in my Bible reading.  Psalm 138:8 spoke directly to my fears and questions of purpose.  It says,

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever-- do not abandon the works of your hands." 

This verse jumped off the pages and really spoke to my heart.  The first encouragement that spoke to me is this, "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me."  It doesn't say, might fulfill, it says WILL fulfill.  It's not a question, not a doubt; it's a promise.  And the second is this.  "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me."   This is a part that is so near and dear to my heart.

About four years ago, I had a big perspective change in my life.  It's a big piece of my life story, one of the parts of my testimony that I get really excited about.  Here's what I discovered...

My life is not about me.  It's not about my desires to be good, loving, caring, and Christ-like.  Instead, it is about God's story- about His love, His purpose for this earth, and how He wants ME to be a part of that.

If you've never thought about this before, I know it sounds super strange.  It almost sounds like we have an arrogant God who only cares about this big picture, but that's not what it is at all.  God is a loving, caring god who has a wonderful plan for this world, and He loves you and me so much that he wants to give us a place in that plan.  [I had no idea this post was gonna feel so 'preachy' sounding, so forgive me.  But it's just a huge piece of my heart so I feel like I have to share, in order to be true to who I am.]    

It's a lot to think about.  I know.  It took me awhile to understand the difference between these two perspectives, but once I did- it was a HUGE shift for me.  It is this perspective change, this understanding that I am a part of God's desire to love and redeem the whole world, that really gave me an understanding of my place in this world.

What I'm now realizing is that for me, it's not really a question of what my purpose is, but of how I am going to fulfill that purpose.  

After reading the verse "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me" - I am walking away feeling encouraged.  I feel such a strong affirmation that even though right now I have no inclination of what my next steps are, or what my day-to-day, future job calling may look like, He does in fact have a purpose for me.  And HE WILL fulfill it.  But not only does he know the what of my purpose, He also knows the how.  And I am confident that in His perfect timing, I will know that part too.

I'm not alone in this... You, too, ARE GOING TO fulfill the purpose that the Lord has planned for you. Is this something you've thought about?  My hope is that if you haven't, you might.  It's a difficult question to think about, but it can be so so rewarding.

xoxo

Discipline to Challenge

Lately, I have been doing a lot of thinking... but not necessarily the good kind of thinking. Let me try to explain. Do you ever have chunks of time where you feel like all you are doing is worrying or having uneasy, not peaceful thoughts? I don't know about you, but I go through little spurts of this here and there. Usually I can recognize when I am feeling this way by noticing that I am especially anxious for no reason or just being really sensitive. And once I'm aware that this is how I am feeling, then I think it through, allow myself a little bit more slack and a few days later it wears off or something.

As of late, I have been struggling with this type of thinking for more than the typical few days. I have noticed myself being especially worrisome, self-conscious, sensitive, and definitely not confident. This is an uncomfortable phenomenon for me. Yes, these are things that I think everyone deals with daily. But we all have our ways of coping with them and feeling like we can conquer them, do we not? It has been starting to bother me that I feel like I am not reaching that place of peace where I feel like I have control over my thoughts. It makes me feel out of whack, like I'm somewhat of a crazy person.

Last night as I lay awake in bed, I was trying to sort through my thoughts and get to the bottom of this. And I feel there are many contributing factors that have brought me to this place of what I feel is not 'good thinking'.

1. I am not being challenged in my job. Taking a job at a boutique, I knew that it would be completely different from my past experience working as a Ministry Assistant with the college ministry. But what I didn't realize was how much it would affect me. I feel like my brain has slipped into a place of laziness because, well, what's the hardest thing I have to think about at a boutique... hmm what shirt will go with those pants? How can my boss operate that way, what is she thinking? Where should I put these scarves so they will sell faster? Yikes. Coming from a girl who loved developing a study curriculum for college students, and got really energized from writing and delivering a 25 minute message to students- feeling like I was in a place where I was constantly thinking about things that were challenging... this new place is really doing nothing for me.

2. I have not set aside time to do reflective thinking. As you can see based on the last time that I blogged, it has been quite awhile since I felt I had something to say. This is not okay for me. It really helps me to be processing out loud, via type or what-have-you. And to see that I have not done this, shows me that something is off, that I am clearly not myself or that I am disconnected for some reason. I have not given myself the chance, or Challenged myself to think deeper. To make my brain work in a different manner than what I have been doing in my 'working hours.'

3. I have not been digging deeper in my relationship with the Lord. This, above all else, is really what my 'funk' comes down to- I know that. Being in this new place in my career (can I even really call it that at this point??) I have allowed myself to become a lazy thinker. Not being challenged in my job, being pushed to challenge myself- I feel like I have become a more undisciplined person. Life is all about discipline, is it not? Disciplining ourselves to eat right, to work out, to study in school, to be kind to others, to spend time in the word. I'm digressing, but the point is... for me- I have let my disciplines fall to the wayside. I miss studying the word regularly. I miss being in a small group that challenges me, asks me hard questions. I miss reading books that push me to think outside my little box. I miss being self reflective. I miss feeling like I am making practical steps towards being transformed more into Christ's likeness. (Yes I realize God is the one who transforms us, but it takes our personal discipline too.)

What I think this all comes down to is this. I have gotten lazy. I have gotten complacent. I hate that word by the way because what good comes from complacent? I NEED to be CHALLENGED. That means first and foremost I need to really hype myself up, challenge myself to be in the word daily, to set aside time for reflective thinking, and to take a class, read a book, or do a study that is going to help me learn new things about/from the Lord. And secondly, I want to continue to ask myself- what am I doing? or- what can I be doing differently to challenge myself more? Maybe that will mean finding a new job where I am at least encouraged in my discipline of challenging myself.

I think I just figured it out. I think I finally put it to words... Discipline to Challenge. That's kind of an awkward title/phrase/whatever-you-call-it. But stay with me for a second. To challenge means "something that by its nature or character serves as a call to battle, contest, or special effort..." The part that jumps out at me is the beginning - 'something that by its nature or character serves as a call." That's what I feel like I am missing!! I am missing the SOMETHING that is serving as a call for special effort.

As a disciple of Christ, He is the something that serves as a call to battle, contest, or special effort. I have been called by Christ to be His follower, to share His love with the world- and it is by His love, it is His nature that "serves as a call", that Challenges me.

Forgive me for blabbing on and on and on. But apparently I've gotten so out of the habit of thinking in this reflective way that it took me this long to realize where I was going with this. But here it is...

1. What I have been missing as of late is the reminder that I am constantly being challenged- that I am constantly being called to put forth special effort by Him to follow Him.

2. I need to be continually finding the other somethings in life that also serve as a call for special effort, that encourage me in my endeavors of the first, most important challenge.

PHEW!  I did it!  Finally feel like I had some "good thinking!!"   

As I leave you today, I am going to continue to process this realization that I made about myself this morning. I am going to take steps towards drawing nearer to the One who ultimately challenges me, serves as my call. And I am going to work on the practical aspects of my life, that help me build up that discipline to be challenged. May it be finding a different job, getting back into a work-out schedule... whatever it is- I need to make sure that the aspects of my life all come back to the Ultimate Challenge in my life- that is to Follow Christ as He calls me.

Let me leave you with a verse that God put on my heart today.  

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.  Philippians 4:8-9 (emphasis added)

Careful Love

Today I am hung up yet again on a verse from Joshua.  Today the verse is Joshua 23:11, but to set up 11, I will share 10 too.  

One of you routs a thousand, because the Lord your God fights for you, just as he promised.  So be very careful to love the Lord your God.

It's that last part, verse 11, So be very careful to love the Lord your God,  that gets me.  What an interesting concept... being "careful to love".  When I think I love, I don't really think of something that is careful.  In the movies, all you see is crazy love.  The love that causes you to chase someone down in the airport to simply say I love you.  The love where two strangers meet and instantly sparks fly and a lifelong bond is formed.  The love that destroys marriages because two people figure out they were "destined" to be with someone else.  The crazy, irrational love where two estranged lovers run into each others arms to be caught up in a passionate embrace.  But is this really what love looks like?  Most often, no.  

It seems so strange to read the words be very careful to love, and yet the more I think about it- it's quite a wise instruction.  In fact, shouldn't we be way more careful in the way we love than crazy?  Sure it's great to do crazy things every once in awhile as a result of love for someone.  Like a spontaneous trip or silly love notes or a surprise visit. But overall, if I had to choose between a crazy love and a careful love- by all means, I would choose careful.  

Think about that for a minute.  A careful love.  What does that look like?  In my mind, that would be a love that is very thought out, well nurtured, well cared for, and never forgotten.  Being in my first year of marriage, I have learned quite well that it is SO important to care for your love.  It is so easy to get caught up in the craziness of life, the busyness of work schedules and lose sight of the great love that you have for each other because you are just too busy.  That is not a careful love.  

When Joshua says these words, he is basically on his deathbed saying his final words to the Israelites.  He is reminding them of the great things that God has done for them, that He continues to fight for them, and he is warning/urging them to "be very careful to love the Lord your God."  The Israelites have a bad track record for getting distracted by other idols and desires, so this reminder is quite important.  Joshua wants to encourage them to nurture their love for God, to truly follow Him, being ever so careful to not let their love be swayed toward another.

What a great reminder and challenge.  Be very careful to love.  I want to be careful to love.  I want my love for others in my life to be well thought out, to be intentional, to be a caring, nurtured love that I am an active participant in protecting.  And even more so, I want to very carefully love the Lord my God.  In this world we live in, every day is a struggle between what is good and what is evil.  I wish it did not have to be that way, but it is.  It is a struggle to stay grounded, to be continually focusing on the Lord in every single moment, to be a solid example of Jesus.  I like the words Joshua says "be very careful to love..."  To me, it is a good reminder that loving God with our lives is not easy, it is something that takes a lot of care, a lot of thought, and a lot of intentionality. There will be things that are going to try to distract us, take our focus off of our love for Him.  The evil one is a sneaky little bugger and we need to be oh so careful not to let him take hold of our lives in any way.  

Careful love. This is something I'd like to think more about. 

But for now, I will take Joshua's words to heart.  I will challenge myself to Be very careful to love the Lord my God; to protect my love for Him, and do whatever I can to keep from being distracted or swayed by the idols of this world.

Promises

Sitting here at my breakfast table enjoying a late breakfast, doing some reading in my Bible, I have gotten hung up on a verse.  After finishing reading Deuteronomy with my friend, I moved right on to reading Joshua.  Here's the verse that I've been thinking about.

Not one of all the Lord's good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled.  Joshua 21:45

 I've been thinking a lot lately about God's faithfulness.  About how He is always faithful, never fails, always follows through.  This verse came as a reminder of that faithfulness to me today.  And yet it also came as a challenge.  

It's crazy to think that God keeps ALL of His promises isn't it?  But the question that really has my brain cranking today is the question of- what promises has God made to me that I don't even think about or realize?  I think so often it's easy to get caught up in our human desires, thinking about what we want and how God should be faithful to us by blessing those desires.  But that's where we have it all backwards. It's not about us and what we want Him to be faithful to us about- or what promises we want Him to make to us.  It's about us realizing the awesome promises that God has already made to us in His Word- and thinking about how they impact the way we live our lives.  

When God makes a promise He NEVER backs out, He Always fulfills it.  I love that last line of Joshua 21:45 - Every one was fulfilled.  Every single one of the promises God made to the house of Israel was fulfilled.  In the context of what's happening, Joshua is referring to the promises God made to the tribes of Israel regarding the land they are to inherit.  It's awesome to think that God is in the little things like where people are going to live.  

I think maybe the reason this verse spoke to me is because I need this reminder that God is faithful in all His promises, that every one is fulfilled.  The promise that keeps coming to my mind today is the simple promise Jesus made- "Surely I am with you always to the very end of the age."  I am not exactly sure why that is the one that comes to mind, but I am so thankful that I know with great certainty that God is going to stay true to that promise and be with me, in the thick and thin, every single day no matter what is going on in my life.  

As I continue to dwell on this verse, I want to challenge myself to think of the other promises that God reveals to us in His word.  They are such good reminders and great revelations of what the character of God is like.  If you happen to stumble across my page and have a favorite promise of God that you cling to or that encourages you, please post it in a comment.  I'd love to see how others are encouraged by God's faithfulness too.  

Until then- have a great day and remember that Every one of God's promises is fulfilled.  

What is your calling?

Today I was talking with a dear friend of mine about the infamous question "What is your calling?" I don't know about you, but I feel like it is one of those questions that you are asked a ton- especially right around college graduation and into your twenties as you're still figuring life out (and this could be longer, but I can only speak for the twenties so far). Yes, sure- this question could take many forms... What do you want to be when you grow up? What do you want to do with your life? What kind of job do you want? What is your "blue sky" dream? (That was my favorite version of the question- like if you could do ANYTHING what would it be?)

I feel like I have a love/hate relationship with that question. When I am talking with a good friend about this question it can be a bit more fun. It's like an opportunity to think about your dreams, about what you might want to do if there were no limits. But when that rando person, way extended relative asks, so "what is your calling?" Sometimes I just want to roll my eyes, give a heavy sigh, and maybe even punch them in the face. Okay not really- but still. That question is such a tricky one isn't it?

When I graduated college- I had no idea what I wanted to do. I chose a major and minor that I loved. I was a Religion major and a French minor at a private liberal arts college. Put those two areas of study and what do you get? Well- other than me, I'm not sure. It definitely doesn't lead directly into a field like a teacher or a nurse does.

But there is one aspect of that infamous question that I have known my entire life, and that is living my life to love the Lord. When I was really little and people would ask the question "What do you want to do/be when you grow up?" I would always answer- well, I want to do something for God and I want to help people. To be honest, I'd like to (and still do) respond like this today. Really, nothing has changed in that answer. The only thing that has changed is, well I've grown up a bit, and my understanding of what living for God looks like has grown. 

The one calling that I know for certain is a part of my being is, being called to follow Jesus. After this, everything else comes second- or at least it should. In the midst of my weird place of transition, I think I have somehow allowed this understanding to become a little cloudy. Following Jesus is one of those things that in theory is "simple". Our goal is to seek the Lord, understand Him more and learn to love like Him- sounds simple (in theory). But then you throw in the icky ways of the world that tempt us, that we get sucked into and it all gets jumbled; we get confused, we get distracted, lazy, or just lose sight of what our first goal in life must always be.

So then what is my calling? Yes, it is to live to love like Jesus- and to share that love with others so that they might learn to love Him too. I understand that, I really do. But the beautiful thing is that we can do that with with any profession; so that's where I get confused. Straight out of college I went to work for a church. I worked with the college ministry and LOVED it. It challenged me, it made me take my faith super seriously, it made me who I am right now. But now, here I am, in a new place in life and asking that question all over again.

Over these past months, I think I've been too busy being either in denial or just plain lazy, afraid to admit the fact that I have no idea what's next- no idea where I'm being called. I haven't thought about the question seriously, haven't sought out the Lord's direction for me. Sure I've had some random thoughts, kind of out there ideas like starting my own Nail Art business (as you can see I have a blast with nail art), opening a shoe store, etc.  Besides those ideas, I'm a bit clueless right now.  So this is me, admitting to you that I think it's time to start asking that question again. I don't expect for immediate answers- definitely not, but I think I'm willing to start the adventure, to allow myself to dream big, and to trust that God will be right here with me helping me figure out what's next, whether its a big step or a small one.

Have you found where God is calling you for now? Or are you searching, just like me? Hang in there. God has a plan for this world, and He wants us to be a part of it. We just have to be willing to ride out the wave while we figure out what's next.

just a thought

It has been a bit since I have last blogged.  I have been somewhat busy, but really my brain has been overloaded.  I will take time in the next few days to expand on what's been going on- but for today I just want to share a scripture passage that spoke to my heart.  A lot of what's been on my mind has to do with the struggle between fear and faith.  It's basically the story of our lives fighting between allowing the fears we have to dominate our thinking, or allowing our faith to be the ruler that guides our life.  Without expanding much more right now- this verse in Deuteronomy put me in my place this morning as I think about the fears that plague me.  

"Hear, O Israel, today you are going into battle against your enemies.  Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them.  For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory."

Good words that I need to let penetrate my heart today.   

Practicing Thankfulness

In my Bible reading this morning, Moses is talking to the Israelites about Passover, Feast of Weeks, and Feast of the Tabernacles. Several times he mentions that they must give a "freewill offering in proportion to the blessings the Lord your God has given you." What an interesting statement. It jumped out at me the first time I read it, but then I continued reading in the passage and he says it again..."Each of you must bring a gift in proportion to the way the Lord your God has blessed you" (Deuteronomy 16:17). This verse has got me thinking this afternoon, wondering how bad am I at keeping track of or being really aware of the blessings God has given me?

The last time I got together with my old bible study group, we talked about the positive impact practicing thankfulness or positive thinking can have on your outlook on life. When I was in college, I took a one credit, once a week course called Positive Psychology. The purpose of the class was to explore the effect of thinking positively. It was a really interesting, laid back class. One of the assignments for the week was to, for every day of the week, write down 25 positive things that happened that day. It could be anything. "The sun is shining." "I had lucky charms for breakfast." Anything that you viewed as positive. The purpose was to help us think about all the positive things that filled each day- emphasizing that although we sometimes find it hard to believe, there is much positive in each of our daily lives. If I remember correctly, the professor who taught the class had written a book or done a big study about Positive Psychology and the class was an experiment because it was the first time he had studied it in class-format. I honestly don't remember what the goal of the class was, or what projects we had to do or anything like that, other than the overall emphasis on the idea that thinking positively can in fact positively affect you. Go figure. Sounds so simple.

But I remember LOVING that class, and LOVING those activities that we had to do because it really made me appreciate the little things that God had been blessing me with throughout each day. Maybe I appreciated it a little more as a believer because I was able to use it almost as a journal/prayer time where I took the opportunity to really thank God for even the little things he blessed me with? I don't know. Either way, it was a good experience.

With all of that said, going back to my bible study get-together... most of us decided that we too wanted to join the others in thinking more positively, being proactive about being thankful basically. The verses that I read this morning really convicted me of the fact that I have not been very good at this lately. Think about the verse. It says, "Each of you must bring a gift in proportion to the way the Lord your God has blessed you." I think that verse is incredibly convicting because it makes me ask myself the question, have I been aware of all the blessings God has given me, taken good note of them, been thankful for them- kept track of them enough to know what kind of goodwill offering would be in proportion? Maybe I am reading into the verse too much, and maybe he didn't mean literally bring a gift that matches in one way or another the blessings you have been given. But regardless, I know that I need to be way more aware and way more thankful for the daily blessings that the Lord has given me. Sometimes I realize that I have not expressed thanks for what He has given me and I become ashamed because it's such a selfish, human thing to do. We are blessed in SO many ways. I am in a really good place in life- I have food on the table, I have a warm home, a loving family, and friends. And this just scratches the surface of what I have to be thankful for. Perhaps it's about time I got out a notebook and went back to the daily assignment I had from Positive Psychology. I know that there are definitely so many blessings to be thankful for.

Faithfully obedient...

Going from a job working at a church with the College Ministry- and feeling challenged almost daily by different thoughts or discussions- it has been a change, being in my own little world absorbed mainly by own thinking. I have discovered over the past few weeks, that I really miss thinking in a way that challenges me. That may seem weird- but I really do miss challenging discussions or questions that make you think before you can just shoot out an automated response. Upon realization that this is something I have been missing in my life, I have decided to try to make sure I am challenging myself to think this way.

Along with being challenged almost everyday, another aspect I miss about working at a church, is having my main focus being on the Lord- not just in my personal life, but in everything that I am doing. I realize that this should be the truth no matter what we are doing in life- but it made it so much easier to be focused on the Lord having ministry as my vocation. In my new place in life, I am not as surrounded by it; therefore, I have a greater need to push myself to keep the Lord on my mind fully.

Combining those two things together- being more intentional with my focus and challenging my brain to think- it has been a good exercise to really ask myself tough questions as I am reading scripture. It so easy to just read the scripture, because I feel I should, and then shut the Bible, go about my day and not even remember or be challenged by what I've read. That is what I am trying to get away from.

Let me skip to what I've been thinking about today. Here's the passage I read that jumped out at me:

"So if you faithfully obey the commands I am giving you today- to love the Lord your God and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul- then I will send rain on your land in its season, both autumn and spring rains, so that you may gather in your grain, new wine, and oil. I will provide grass in the fields for your cattle, and you will eat and be satisfied." Deut. 11:13-15

A lot of times, I wonder if we make life too difficult. It seems like God is constantly telling us- simply love me- and live according to that love. When it's put that way, it seems so simple. Doesn't it? And yet we humans (aka sinners) complicate things so much with our allovertheplaceness [good word right?]. In this passage, the promise proclaimed is that "if you faithfully obey the commands...then I will send rain"- basically if you are faithful, then I will bless you. The question that plagued me, and that I don't yet have an answer to is- when we feel like life isn't going the way we feel it should, is it because we aren't being faithful?

verse that jumped out

Just a verse that's jumping out at me today: "So be careful to do what the Lord your God has commanded you; do not turn aside to the right or to the left.  Walk in all the way that the Lord has commanded you so that you may live and prosper and prolong your days in the land that you will possess."

"The Lord God himself will fight for you"

My good friend Nicole, whose blog I have linked as "another fabulous blog", and I have decided to read Deuteronomy together.  [And by together I mean, we both read it at the same time, from across the country- we do not live in the same state.] It is a way to hold each other accountable to getting in the Word.  I am thankful that she picked this book because so far it has been a good journey.  

Today I was reading Deuteronomy 3- and there was a verse that jumped out and spoke to my heart.  Deuteronomy 3:22 says, "Do not be afraid of them; the LORD your God himself will fight for you."  The context of the verse is Moses speaking to Joshua reassuring him that God has given him the land across the Jordan and that he need not be afraid.  In Deuteronomy, Moses describes the journey that God lead them on in the desert- and he goes through the different accounts where God delivers people and land to the Israelites.  What is super cool is that God is not just protecting Joshua and Moses and the Israelites, but he protects all his people.  He says, "Do not provoke them [referring to the descendants of Esau] to war, for I will not give you any of their land, not even enough to put your foot on."  Then later he says, "Do not harass the Moabites or provoke them to war, for I will not give you any part of their land.  I have given Ar to the descendants of Lot as a possession."  And then in verse 2:31 he says, "See I have begun to deliver Sihon and his country over to you.  Now begin to conquer and possess his land."  God is totally watching over His people- protecting them- providing them with land and guiding them in the way that they should go. 

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to experience God in the way that Moses and Joshua did.  To literally have God say to you "I will give you this country", that would be nuts wouldn't it?  But what's crazy to think about is that our God is not changing.  He still protects us and delivers us and fights for us.  It amazes me how God really does fight for us.  

I find that particularly reassuring right now because I am a little frustrated (to put it lightly) with a situation my husband has been put in at work.  Without being mean and sharing everything that's been going on... he has been working his tail off and does a great job at it- and is still getting pounded and in my opinion not treated very nicely or getting the recognition he deserves. He basically has not slept in weeks- (seriously- he came home at 7 am to sleep for 2 hours today).  Okay- I'm getting distracted.  My point is- I would like to bust into that place and give someone the "How to and what for" and tell them what I really think of how things are going and fight for my husband.  Upon reading verse 22 "the Lord your God himself will fight for you" - it gave me a sense of peace.  In all reality, I know that me going in and having a hissy fit wouldn't do anything for us- but sometimes that's all I wanna do.  [I actually played over in my head what an argument with one of his superiors might look like- don't worry, I of course had the last word ;)].  It is so good to be reminded, that I am not the only one that wants the best for and is willing to fight for my husband.  I know that God has this situation in control and because He loves my husband and calls him his own, He will in fact fight for him.  The struggle that I must deal with is trusting in that and letting God have control of it.  

I am so thankful for the reminder of how God protected His people way back in the day; And I am so thankful that He STILL protects and fights for His people.  God is good- and I will cling to that verse, try to let go of my anger, and know that the Lord God himself will fight for what's in his will for ME.

Endure vs. Enduring Love

I have been thinking a lot, over the past few days, about what it means to endure.  At church on Sunday, the pastor spoke on 1 John 2:12-17 with the title of Love that Overcomes.  (you can check out the sermon here)  It was a great message, but there was one part in specific that stuck out to me and that was about having enduring character.

I don't know about you, but I feel like the word "endure" has a negative connotation.  For me it puts a sour taste in my mouth; it reminds me of the icky difficult times in life where someone has had to encourage me to "hang in there!" or "stick it out!" Literally- ENDURE! Ugh- I hate that.  When you're in a hard place, you never want to hear hang in there- you want someone to affirm you in your frustrations and say- "yeah, man totally- get out of there! bail bail bail!"  But that's almost never the right thing to do.  

To endure, by definition, means "to carry on through, despite hardships; undergo" or "to bear with tolerance."  The more I think about it, isn't that really what life is in entirety?  Aren't we simply to endure- through it all?  Maybe I am speaking as a bit of a negative nancy because I feel like I am being challenged in this area of enduring in several instances in my life right now.  Here's a little snippet of what's going on in my world of enduring.  

My husband works at a job in the investment banking world; this is not your average run of the mill job where you work 40-50 hours a week and come home to your wife for dinner, spend the weekend relaxing.  No no, this job is hard core.  Last week, he worked 95 hours.  Let me say it one more time so you actually believe me 95 hours.  That is not normal nor is that okay in my opinion, I don't believe that is how God created us to operate.  This has been very difficult for both me and my husband.  I love him, so of course I want to be able to see him more- I don't want to be sitting at home wondering if he is going to be home for dinner only to find out he will actually be working until 5:00 a.m.  But then I need to expand my perspective and think of how it affects him.  He is living in a world of expectations; what I expect of him as a husband, what his boss expects of him, and what he himself expects.  And that is exhausting.  He barely gets any sleep.  He had maybe 12 hours off this past weekend.  He is spent- and yet I am so proud of him because he just keeps plugging along.  He, right now, is a perfect example for me of what it means to endure.

So as you might now see, when the pastor said something in reference to having enduring character- I seriously chuckled to myself a little bit because I feel like that is the story of my life right now.  And to be honest- the idea of enduring right now just makes me wanna barf.  But then I am challenged because this is exactly what God is asking us to do.  It is exactly what Christ did for us on the cross.  He didn't say, "no way God- I'm not doing this, I'm not carrying on through this whipping and being nailed to the cross- I'm out."  He stuck it out, he literally hung in there for our sakes.  And that's where I think the word endure takes a turn.  

As I was thinking about what endure means and thinking about all the negative aspects, it made me think- well why do we say that God has enduring love then?  How can one really good thing- be mixed with something that feels so heavy!  And then it hit me.  When you combine the word endure with love it becomes a whole other matter.  Enduring love is awesome.  Enduring love is a love that carries on through despite hardships, no matter what.  That is the love that God has for us - and it's what God is asking us to do; to have enduring love for him and to have enduring love for those around us.  

That is super hard.  Last night I got in an argument with someone very dear to me and it was just icky.  And all I could think of during the argument was endure, endure, endure.  And when you are angry that is not something that you want to hear.  I really wanted to chuck the phone across the room- but I didn't because I love her and I want to show that enduring love that God loves me with, to her.  I want to be a demonstration that I will love others through all the hardships, through all the ick, and not run the other way when difficulty arises.  

I feel like this post took a turn from what I originally thought it was going to be.  I thought I was going to write about what enduring looks like and how we need to lean into our awesome God who has an enduring love for us, so that we might be able to endure through the tough stuff.  (how many times have I said endure in this post? hah).  But what I feel like has come out of this is the reminder that- having enduring love is such a tricky thing, and yet isn't that the mark of a believer?  In John 13:35 Jesus said, "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."  

Moral of the story: I need to endure in more ways than one.  I need to endure through this heavy time with my husband working all the time, carrying on through it.  I need to be thankful for the enduring, never-ending, unconditional love that God has for me.  And I need to work on my execution of enduring love.  I haven't changed my mind that enduring is difficult- because that would be a lie- but I think I have been reaffirmed in that enduring is worth it.