What is your calling?

Today I was talking with a dear friend of mine about the infamous question "What is your calling?" I don't know about you, but I feel like it is one of those questions that you are asked a ton- especially right around college graduation and into your twenties as you're still figuring life out (and this could be longer, but I can only speak for the twenties so far). Yes, sure- this question could take many forms... What do you want to be when you grow up? What do you want to do with your life? What kind of job do you want? What is your "blue sky" dream? (That was my favorite version of the question- like if you could do ANYTHING what would it be?)

I feel like I have a love/hate relationship with that question. When I am talking with a good friend about this question it can be a bit more fun. It's like an opportunity to think about your dreams, about what you might want to do if there were no limits. But when that rando person, way extended relative asks, so "what is your calling?" Sometimes I just want to roll my eyes, give a heavy sigh, and maybe even punch them in the face. Okay not really- but still. That question is such a tricky one isn't it?

When I graduated college- I had no idea what I wanted to do. I chose a major and minor that I loved. I was a Religion major and a French minor at a private liberal arts college. Put those two areas of study and what do you get? Well- other than me, I'm not sure. It definitely doesn't lead directly into a field like a teacher or a nurse does.

But there is one aspect of that infamous question that I have known my entire life, and that is living my life to love the Lord. When I was really little and people would ask the question "What do you want to do/be when you grow up?" I would always answer- well, I want to do something for God and I want to help people. To be honest, I'd like to (and still do) respond like this today. Really, nothing has changed in that answer. The only thing that has changed is, well I've grown up a bit, and my understanding of what living for God looks like has grown. 

The one calling that I know for certain is a part of my being is, being called to follow Jesus. After this, everything else comes second- or at least it should. In the midst of my weird place of transition, I think I have somehow allowed this understanding to become a little cloudy. Following Jesus is one of those things that in theory is "simple". Our goal is to seek the Lord, understand Him more and learn to love like Him- sounds simple (in theory). But then you throw in the icky ways of the world that tempt us, that we get sucked into and it all gets jumbled; we get confused, we get distracted, lazy, or just lose sight of what our first goal in life must always be.

So then what is my calling? Yes, it is to live to love like Jesus- and to share that love with others so that they might learn to love Him too. I understand that, I really do. But the beautiful thing is that we can do that with with any profession; so that's where I get confused. Straight out of college I went to work for a church. I worked with the college ministry and LOVED it. It challenged me, it made me take my faith super seriously, it made me who I am right now. But now, here I am, in a new place in life and asking that question all over again.

Over these past months, I think I've been too busy being either in denial or just plain lazy, afraid to admit the fact that I have no idea what's next- no idea where I'm being called. I haven't thought about the question seriously, haven't sought out the Lord's direction for me. Sure I've had some random thoughts, kind of out there ideas like starting my own Nail Art business (as you can see I have a blast with nail art), opening a shoe store, etc.  Besides those ideas, I'm a bit clueless right now.  So this is me, admitting to you that I think it's time to start asking that question again. I don't expect for immediate answers- definitely not, but I think I'm willing to start the adventure, to allow myself to dream big, and to trust that God will be right here with me helping me figure out what's next, whether its a big step or a small one.

Have you found where God is calling you for now? Or are you searching, just like me? Hang in there. God has a plan for this world, and He wants us to be a part of it. We just have to be willing to ride out the wave while we figure out what's next.

All a blur..

When I was little, I remember older people telling me- enjoy every day now, because as you get older time just goes faster and faster.  I always thought they were crazy.  Yeah right- time goes so slow, school is so long... sure summer went faster because we were on vacations etc.  But now I am in complete agreement with those older, wiser folks who warned me saying that time flies when you get older.  Why is that? Obviously it's not speeding up, but it sure feels like it!  

I cannot believe 7 months have gone by since my wedding.  Us newly married people are probably pretty annoying because everything is in reference to our "big day."  I apologize to those of you who aren't married yet, and hope that you'll not get too aggravated by us- but it's the easiest way to measure time at this point.  With such a big life change like that too, it's hard not to measure everything from it.  

It is crazy to think how much has happened in the past year.  Time has been flying by so fast lately, that I haven't had time to sit down and think about what's happening in life, where I am, or how I feel about where I am.  I think this is super important in helping us stay grounded, to see where we've come from and what we're moving towards.  Well... in the last year I lost my job, got married, moved in with my husband, thought I found another position that would be a perfect fit (but God has other plans in mind apparently), and I am now working for my dad's company; filling in for his assistant while she is on maternity leave.  It's been almost a full year since I lost my job working at a church and I feel like so much has changed since that point.  

I am so thankful for this year, what God has been doing- and yet I feel like I can't remember the last time where I felt I had my feet planted securely on the ground.  Although there are clear things that keep me grounded, like now having a husband, and trusting that God has a plan for me... I really feel like I've been floating about in some sort of way not sure of what I am doing or what is happening next.  

I haven't decided if I like this feeling, or if my "super organized, planner self" is about to snap one of these days when my dad's assistant comes back and I am once again in a place of "what the heck am I doing with myself?"  Life is so strange, isn't it?  We think we have it figured out in one moment and then the next it's like wait, what?  A couple months ago I declared myself in a place of "proactively waiting."  I came to terms with the fact that I did not know what I was up to, or what was next, and decided to just wait on God and seek Him for what was next.  I loved that place, it was great!  Then an interview popped up, my proactive waiting period turned into waiting to hear back regarding this position, and my happy, care-free waiting turned into a disgusted, frustration with the icky way that so many job interview processes are handled (even by the church unfortunately).  With all that said, I feel like I have once again found myself in a place of uncertainty.  I picture myself as one of those characters in a movie, where the scenery, the people around, cars, everything is whirring by, so that everything is a blur- and yet there I stand right in the middle watching it all go by in a blur.  I haven't really moved, I haven't changed and yet everything else continues to keep moving.  

So the question is, what do you do when you are in a place like this?  Sometimes I think our society gives people who are in the place of unemployment way more crap than they deserve.  Yes I understand that there are people who maybe deserve a kick in the pants to get motivated and find a job that they so obviously need.  But at the same time, why are we SO DEFINED by our places of employment?  Yes, money is a necessity to live- that is obvious.  But if it wasn't would we still define each other by what we do?  

Right now, I am in a place where my husband makes enough money to cover both of us.  Praise the Lord, I am so blessed.  So I don't have to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to figure out what's next.  But I still feel weird when people ask me, "so what do you do?"  Having had a job straight out of college and keeping that same position for 3 years, it is weird to be in this new place- not having a secure job (outside of this temporary position I now have) and being asked that question.  And what's sad is, whenever I am asked that question and respond- with "I really don't know what's next"- it's like people are floored, shocked, almost as if they are judging me for not having it all figured out yet.  

So here I am saying, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS NEXT- and yes, right now, I am okay with that.  There's tons of things I want to do.  I'm having a blast trying new Nail Art creations.  I'd LOVE to open a shoe boutique.  I want to work back in ministry.  I want to make a difference in people's lives.  I want to be an active participant in growing God's kingdom.  Maybe I'll do it all- maybe I won't be doing any of that- I don't know. All I know is, I am going to try to soak up each minute knowing that time continues to fly by in a blur.