You'll just know

The other night, my husband Chris and I were talking about the beginning of our relationship; well, the beginning of our second time dating... that's another story.  We were reminiscing about aspects of our journey and I suddenly felt stuck as I couldn't seem to find the memory of how or when I knew that I was going to marry him!   I was trying to recollect if it was an instant "I just knew" sort of situation, and I could not remember for the life of me.

Having dated him for two years, breaking up for a year because I felt the Lord leading me to focus only on Him, to then only a year later still feeling my heart tugging towards Chris, I remember that the decision whether to simply start dating him or not was a hard enough decision on its own!  I knew that I did not want to start dating him again unless we had the intentions of our relationship leading to marriage, so I really sought the Lord and asked wise women in my life for wisdom on how to proceed.   All too often it seemed like the cliché statement of "you'll just know" would come up.  Even typing those words makes me want to roll my eyes as I remember the frustration I would feel when people would tell me that.  I still get annoyed with that statement because it's not just used in reference to knowing whether you want to marry someone, it's pretty universal.

Being a person who often struggles with big decisions, that phrase is still a big part of my life.  And I kind of hate it.  It always makes me feel so frustrated because it seems like a cop out.  When I am asking for help in making a decision, I don't want someone to tell me that I will at some point know, I want them to tell me right then what I should do- I want them to make the decision for me- to play God in a sense and tell me what is the best thing for me.  I mean really, how nice would it be if God would every once in awhile just write us a little email or shoot us a text and say, "just do this."  Unfortunately that's not how it works.  It pains me, it frustrates me- and yet time and time again you'll just know proves to be true.  God has shown me over and over again that as much as we'd like Him to speak in loud claps of thunder, lightning strikes or to pick up the phone and make the call, it really doesn't look like that.  I very much believe that He could do that if He wanted to, but I think that more often than not, hearing Him speak truth into our lives, and giving us direction is much more of a gentle nudging or a feeling in my gut sort of thing.  Or, if we're going to go ahead and use the annoying phrase a you'll just know sort of thing.

For the past couple weeks I have been struggling with a big life decision in deciding whether or not to take a job that my sweet, sweet dad was offering me.  As you know, my struggles with whether or not being a housewife right now is enough are very real... so the prospect of the Lord leading me to a new career was very interesting and perplexing.  For weeks and weeks I felt like I was getting nowhere in the decision process.  I started to feel heavier and heavier as the weight of indecision seemed to cloud my mind and steal my joy.  I really felt like I was never going to make the decision.  I didn't feel swayed one way or another and saw no hope of being able to find the piece I needed to tip the scale one way or another.  And then God spoke.

Right in the middle of a phone call with my dad and his business partner, as they were clarifying the role for me, in one single instant, I knew.  I had been praying and praying for something exactly like this, that the Lord would make it so clear - and through my dad's business partner's words, that's exactly what He did.  I was so shocked that my decision could seem so obvious, that in that moment I almost couldn't believe it.  It was as if the blinders had been removed and I could see oh so clearly that taking the job wasn't the direction in which He was leading me.  It's in moments like this where I am reminded of how awesome God is, and how strongly I can rely on His promise to guide me.  I don't need a handwritten letter or a firework in the sky, I just need to trust that in His perfect timing and in His perfect way, He will lead me- and I will just know.

Coming back to where this post began... after a few gruesome moments of not being able to recollect how I knew I wanted to marry Chris, he reminded me that it was very much like the scenario I just described.  After praying and praying, and seeking the Lord's guidance and wisdom for my relationship with Chris, He laid it on my heart and I just knew.  Sitting on a porch swing of my good friend's house, I can now clearly remember admitting to myself (and to my small group ladies) for the first time, that I knew, like a weight in my gut and peace in my soul, that I wanted to marry this man.

I am SO thankful that we have a God who communicates with us.  He doesn't just ask us to follow Him and then leave us to find the breadcrumbs; He grabs our hand asks us to dance and whether audibly or silently with a light pressure on our hand or back, He leads us to take the next step.

If you're stuck in a place of indecision where you are wholeheartedly seeking your next step, my prayer is that you might be encouraged.  If your mind is clouded and you feel a sense of analysis paralysis (story of my life), don't give up.  Keep seeking Him, keep praying, and trust that you'll just know because He will  guide you.

--- image by Marissa Maharaj ---

Fulfilling Purpose

This is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately.  I think it's a totally natural question to ask when like me, you find yourself in a place of transition, of being "in-between things" as I always answer these days when people ask me, "So what do you do?"

I have somewhat of a love/hate relationship with the question 'what is my purpose'.  It's a great one, because it keeps me looking forward; it helps me to dig deep and think about in the long run, what do I want to do with my life and why.  But then on the other hand it sometimes feels like a weight on my shoulders.  On days when I feel less optimistic about finding my calling, thinking about it sends my mind into a spin.   It's the double-edged sword of: This world is full of opportunities- there are many ways that I could find purpose and make a difference VS. this world is FULL of opportunities, how can I possibly determine where my next step should be?

In my mission to be in love with my life I have thought a lot about what inspires me, what gets me motivated.  And I have allowed those to be the things that determine my next steps in the past couple weeks.  That's what is leading me towards putting more effort into this journey with my blog .  But, even amidst choosing joy, there is always the dark voice in the back of my mind that tries to creep in, asking- "well what are you doing this for?  What's the point?  You don't even have a purpose.  Who really even cares, just give up!" When I have moments like this, it is hard not to get discouraged.  To get caught up in the self-destructing mind spin of thinking maybe that little voice is right, maybe I have no purpose, maybe I'm not doing anything that is positively affecting this world, maybe I'm not going to find my purpose.

Struggling with this dark voice lately, I was glad when I stumbled across an encouraging word in my Bible reading.  Psalm 138:8 spoke directly to my fears and questions of purpose.  It says,

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever-- do not abandon the works of your hands." 

This verse jumped off the pages and really spoke to my heart.  The first encouragement that spoke to me is this, "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me."  It doesn't say, might fulfill, it says WILL fulfill.  It's not a question, not a doubt; it's a promise.  And the second is this.  "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me."   This is a part that is so near and dear to my heart.

About four years ago, I had a big perspective change in my life.  It's a big piece of my life story, one of the parts of my testimony that I get really excited about.  Here's what I discovered...

My life is not about me.  It's not about my desires to be good, loving, caring, and Christ-like.  Instead, it is about God's story- about His love, His purpose for this earth, and how He wants ME to be a part of that.

If you've never thought about this before, I know it sounds super strange.  It almost sounds like we have an arrogant God who only cares about this big picture, but that's not what it is at all.  God is a loving, caring god who has a wonderful plan for this world, and He loves you and me so much that he wants to give us a place in that plan.  [I had no idea this post was gonna feel so 'preachy' sounding, so forgive me.  But it's just a huge piece of my heart so I feel like I have to share, in order to be true to who I am.]    

It's a lot to think about.  I know.  It took me awhile to understand the difference between these two perspectives, but once I did- it was a HUGE shift for me.  It is this perspective change, this understanding that I am a part of God's desire to love and redeem the whole world, that really gave me an understanding of my place in this world.

What I'm now realizing is that for me, it's not really a question of what my purpose is, but of how I am going to fulfill that purpose.  

After reading the verse "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me" - I am walking away feeling encouraged.  I feel such a strong affirmation that even though right now I have no inclination of what my next steps are, or what my day-to-day, future job calling may look like, He does in fact have a purpose for me.  And HE WILL fulfill it.  But not only does he know the what of my purpose, He also knows the how.  And I am confident that in His perfect timing, I will know that part too.

I'm not alone in this... You, too, ARE GOING TO fulfill the purpose that the Lord has planned for you. Is this something you've thought about?  My hope is that if you haven't, you might.  It's a difficult question to think about, but it can be so so rewarding.

xoxo

Defeating Death

Today my heart is a bit heavy as I mourn alongside a couple friends whose father just passed away unexpectedly.  I have to be honest and say that it has shaken my world a little bit this past week.  Death is such a strange and heavy thing, that no matter how much trust you have in the Lord's goodness, it is still hard to understand and hard to process.

When I say that it shook my world a bit this week, what I mean is that it was a bit difficult not to internalize what was all happening.  It was too easy to become fearful, to be worried about the shortness of life, to think about the loved ones in my life and how impossible it is to even think about losing one of them.  This is a fear I have struggled with ever since I was little.  A month or so ago, I shared about my struggle to work on fear - this ongoing battle to choose joy and trust that there is a God who already won the victory against the evil one.  

Arriving at the funeral yesterday, I would not have guessed the overwhelming feeling that would be on my heart when I left the service.  Although the room was full of sadness, mourning the loss of a loved one who would no longer be with us- there was a much stronger feeling.  Amidst the sadness was a great sense of JOY!  Joy in the knowledge that God is greater than death; Joy in the knowledge that the man who will be missed from this earth is in fact in a much better place than we can ever imagine, he is with the Lord!  In times such as these, where death brings thoughts of darkness and heaviness- it is SO good to be reminded of the truth that Christ defeated death and the power of evil.  THAT was the overwhelming feeling that filled the church yesterday. 

Leaving the service I was a bit surprised that I was walking away feeling encouraged and challenged.  Encouraged that God truly shows up in heavy moments such as these, just as He promises He will.  That He really is a God of love and peace even in the most difficult times. That He is good and will protect me.  That there is no moment I will have to endure alone.  That He will provide and give me the strength to make it through even the most difficult of times.
And challenged to leave a legacy as strong as the one left by my friend's father.  

From the tributes and stories shared by family members and good friends it was evident that he was a man who truly exuded Christ and was all about loving and encouraging those around him.  He took every opportunity to share his story of how God transformed his life from one of brokenness into one of love and joy.  He was proud to introduce anyone he could to the Lord, the one who redeemed him.  He was a man who really deserves the words "well done, good and faithful servant." 

I want to leave a legacy like that- where it is more about Him and less about me.  My goal on this earth is to love and to encourage others, to share the joy that I have found in the Lord and introduce others to Him so that they too may come to know the One who defeated death.  My hope is that today you might be both encouraged and challenged.  That you would be encouraged to know that you are loved, and that there is One who will provide for you even in the worst of times.  And challenged to get to know Him, and put your trust in a God who deserves it.

 

Careful Love

Today I am hung up yet again on a verse from Joshua.  Today the verse is Joshua 23:11, but to set up 11, I will share 10 too.  

One of you routs a thousand, because the Lord your God fights for you, just as he promised.  So be very careful to love the Lord your God.

It's that last part, verse 11, So be very careful to love the Lord your God,  that gets me.  What an interesting concept... being "careful to love".  When I think I love, I don't really think of something that is careful.  In the movies, all you see is crazy love.  The love that causes you to chase someone down in the airport to simply say I love you.  The love where two strangers meet and instantly sparks fly and a lifelong bond is formed.  The love that destroys marriages because two people figure out they were "destined" to be with someone else.  The crazy, irrational love where two estranged lovers run into each others arms to be caught up in a passionate embrace.  But is this really what love looks like?  Most often, no.  

It seems so strange to read the words be very careful to love, and yet the more I think about it- it's quite a wise instruction.  In fact, shouldn't we be way more careful in the way we love than crazy?  Sure it's great to do crazy things every once in awhile as a result of love for someone.  Like a spontaneous trip or silly love notes or a surprise visit. But overall, if I had to choose between a crazy love and a careful love- by all means, I would choose careful.  

Think about that for a minute.  A careful love.  What does that look like?  In my mind, that would be a love that is very thought out, well nurtured, well cared for, and never forgotten.  Being in my first year of marriage, I have learned quite well that it is SO important to care for your love.  It is so easy to get caught up in the craziness of life, the busyness of work schedules and lose sight of the great love that you have for each other because you are just too busy.  That is not a careful love.  

When Joshua says these words, he is basically on his deathbed saying his final words to the Israelites.  He is reminding them of the great things that God has done for them, that He continues to fight for them, and he is warning/urging them to "be very careful to love the Lord your God."  The Israelites have a bad track record for getting distracted by other idols and desires, so this reminder is quite important.  Joshua wants to encourage them to nurture their love for God, to truly follow Him, being ever so careful to not let their love be swayed toward another.

What a great reminder and challenge.  Be very careful to love.  I want to be careful to love.  I want my love for others in my life to be well thought out, to be intentional, to be a caring, nurtured love that I am an active participant in protecting.  And even more so, I want to very carefully love the Lord my God.  In this world we live in, every day is a struggle between what is good and what is evil.  I wish it did not have to be that way, but it is.  It is a struggle to stay grounded, to be continually focusing on the Lord in every single moment, to be a solid example of Jesus.  I like the words Joshua says "be very careful to love..."  To me, it is a good reminder that loving God with our lives is not easy, it is something that takes a lot of care, a lot of thought, and a lot of intentionality. There will be things that are going to try to distract us, take our focus off of our love for Him.  The evil one is a sneaky little bugger and we need to be oh so careful not to let him take hold of our lives in any way.  

Careful love. This is something I'd like to think more about. 

But for now, I will take Joshua's words to heart.  I will challenge myself to Be very careful to love the Lord my God; to protect my love for Him, and do whatever I can to keep from being distracted or swayed by the idols of this world.

Promises

Sitting here at my breakfast table enjoying a late breakfast, doing some reading in my Bible, I have gotten hung up on a verse.  After finishing reading Deuteronomy with my friend, I moved right on to reading Joshua.  Here's the verse that I've been thinking about.

Not one of all the Lord's good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled.  Joshua 21:45

 I've been thinking a lot lately about God's faithfulness.  About how He is always faithful, never fails, always follows through.  This verse came as a reminder of that faithfulness to me today.  And yet it also came as a challenge.  

It's crazy to think that God keeps ALL of His promises isn't it?  But the question that really has my brain cranking today is the question of- what promises has God made to me that I don't even think about or realize?  I think so often it's easy to get caught up in our human desires, thinking about what we want and how God should be faithful to us by blessing those desires.  But that's where we have it all backwards. It's not about us and what we want Him to be faithful to us about- or what promises we want Him to make to us.  It's about us realizing the awesome promises that God has already made to us in His Word- and thinking about how they impact the way we live our lives.  

When God makes a promise He NEVER backs out, He Always fulfills it.  I love that last line of Joshua 21:45 - Every one was fulfilled.  Every single one of the promises God made to the house of Israel was fulfilled.  In the context of what's happening, Joshua is referring to the promises God made to the tribes of Israel regarding the land they are to inherit.  It's awesome to think that God is in the little things like where people are going to live.  

I think maybe the reason this verse spoke to me is because I need this reminder that God is faithful in all His promises, that every one is fulfilled.  The promise that keeps coming to my mind today is the simple promise Jesus made- "Surely I am with you always to the very end of the age."  I am not exactly sure why that is the one that comes to mind, but I am so thankful that I know with great certainty that God is going to stay true to that promise and be with me, in the thick and thin, every single day no matter what is going on in my life.  

As I continue to dwell on this verse, I want to challenge myself to think of the other promises that God reveals to us in His word.  They are such good reminders and great revelations of what the character of God is like.  If you happen to stumble across my page and have a favorite promise of God that you cling to or that encourages you, please post it in a comment.  I'd love to see how others are encouraged by God's faithfulness too.  

Until then- have a great day and remember that Every one of God's promises is fulfilled.