A Restful Advent introduction

In third grade, I was cast in the highly coveted role of Mary, the mother of Jesus, for the school Christmas program. I attended a Lutheran school from kindergarten through 8th grade, and every year, the Christmas program was a big deal. For weeks on end, we gathered in the sanctuary to practice our lines and songs, until the big day when the creaky, wooden pews were filled with parents, grandparents, and church members who came to witness what we prepared.  

Walking up the long red, carpeted aisle, Eric, the blonde boy who played my husband, and I made our way to Bethlehem in the middle of the stage. In a white gown with a blue sash over my head, I sat down on a bench with Joseph standing next to me. I was nervous; all eyes were on me, until one by one my classmates stepped on the brown stool behind the white marble pulpit, strained to reach the microphone and read Luke chapter 2, the story of Jesus’ birth, verse by verse. 

Little voices stumbled and cracked over the words as they announced the moments leading up to Jesus’ arrival. Joseph and I acted out the story and found our place in the stable when a small, high voice read my all-time favorite line in the story. 

“Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.” (Luke 2:10-11)

In the scheme of life my role as Mary was just a blip on the radar, yet it was monumental because every time I hear Luke 2:10-11, I am transported back to this memory and reminded of the awe-inducing story of Jesus’ birth. 

In the busyness of the holiday season today, we often lose sight of the magical story of Jesus’ birth. The focus is so heavy on the shopping, planning the parties, attending the events, that Christmas can easily come and go before we’ve taken a moment to celebrate Advent.
  

What is Advent?

Advent by definition means an arrival or coming. In the life of Christ followers, it is the traditional practice of celebrating the anticipatory time leading up to Jesus’ birth. The season begins the first Sunday in December and lasts four Sundays leading up to Christmas – each day meant to prepare our hearts and minds for the celebration of His arrival. 

Celebrating Advent draws our focus off the craziness of the holiday (the shopping, the parties, the presents) and onto the reason for the season, Jesus’ birth. The practice itself takes on many different shapes and forms. Within the church, some themes often associated with Advent are hope, peace, joy, and love. But this year, I’d like to challenge you to focus on how Jesus’ arrival brought rest.
 

What does Advent have to do with rest? 

When Jesus came as a baby in a manger, peace was ushered into our world. Through God’s ultimate gift —Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection—we receive rest for our weary souls. 

This is the heart of A Restful Advent – a devotional series that will shift your focus to Christ and lead you to a place of rest.

About A Restful Advent

This FREE 16-day series will pop into your inbox with a devotional designed to lead you to rest. 

Each one focuses on a different aspect of rest, but the format remains the same—scripture, story, and a practical way for you to practice rest this Advent season. Extra resources are also shared from time to time in order to help you pursue rest outside of the devotional. 

A few of my lovely writer friends, Brooke Bohinc, Megan Meyer, and Tabitha Panariso jump in for a few devotionals. Each of these women have been examples to me in living lives that practice rest. I cannot wait for you to hear what they have to say to encourage you. 

Will you join me? 

If you’re already feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, or overdone at the sheer thought of the holidays, my prayer is that you would join me in A Restful Advent. This series will help you intentionally slow down amidst one of the busiest times of the year, and make certain that you do not miss the reason for the season – that is Christ.  

Signing up is simple – tap this link or click the button below to head to the sign-up form. There you’ll find more specifics about the series as well as testimonials from participants who loved the series last year.

Sign-ups are open TODAY and will remain open until December 10th. 

I cannot wait to see you in the series – together we are going to find rest by shifting our focus to Christ. 

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When you don't want to talk to your spouse

This past summer, my husband and I renovated our guest bedroom.  The lead paint chips were removed, the walls were sanded, primed and painted.  All that was left were finishing touches- a new duvet, pillows, lamp for the nightstand, and sheets.  Sheets…  One would think that sheets might be the least problematic part of a renovation, but the mere utterance of the word still makes me cringe a little.  On one particularly warm summer night, sheets were less like fabric and more like a curse word that transformed a sweet date night into a yelling match and slamming doors. 

The beginning of the night was date night perfection; Chris, and I sipped wine on the patio of our go-to Italian restaurant, Il Mito, shared kisses in between bites of spaghetti bolognese and topped off our meal with my fave dessert, crème brulée.  Hand-in-hand we walked home, eager to snuggle on the couch and catch up on Netflix.  But first, (for whatever reason) I wanted to show him the new sheets I bought to complete our guest bedroom.

I stripped the bed, pulled out the brand new charcoal grey sheets and stretched the fitted sheet across the mattress.  Fluffing the top sheet like a parachute, I tucked in the corners and smoothed out all the ripples.  “Chris!” I called out, “Come check out our new sheets!”  I ran my hands across the sheets, excited that this last piece was done.  These were perfect.  But wait, why do these feel scratchy all of a sudden? At the store they felt satiny and smooth; why do they now feel like sandpaper?  I glared at Chris desperately hopeful that I was wrong, and he said, “Hmm… these are scratchy.” 

Like a light switch, my mood instantly flipped.  I ripped the new sheets off the bed and threw them in a heap on the floor.  Stomping around the room, I attempted to put the old sheets back on, only to knock the bed off its risers, nearly smashing my toes.  In an effort to diffuse the situation Chris said, “Babe.  It’s okay.  I know it’s frustrating that the sheets are not what you expected, but we can just return them.”  When he said those words, I flashed to an episode of Friends, where Ross, one of the main characters, finds out that someone stole his favorite, left-over Thanksgiving turkey sandwich from the refrigerator at work.  Enraged, his eyes bulge and he yells,  “MY SANDWICH!? MYYYY SANDWICH?!?!” In that instant, I transformed into irate Ross.  Furious and irrational I cried, "We can just return them?! WE CAN JUST RETURN THEM?!"

After shouting back and forth for fifteen solid minutes, I pounded my way upstairs, slammed the bedroom door and flung myself on the bed.  Truth is, this wasn’t about the sheets.  It was about the fact that, in this season, our marriage felt a lot less like play and a ton more like work. 

Before we got married, people warned us, “Marriage is amazing, but it is HARD."  I believed them, but it wasn’t until year 6 that I experienced the truth of that statement.  Let’s not kid ourselves, Chris and I have had plenty of difficulties and arguments in the years prior, but it wasn’t until year 6 where way more often than I’d like to admit, I thought, holy cats, I really want to poke him right in the eye and I won’t even feel bad about it.  For who knows what reason, this year, we were seemingly never on the same page.  Dinnertime constantly felt like punishment as we battled our way through heavy conversations about how I was frustrated, feeling neglected or misunderstood, and how he felt like he was trying his hardest, but it still wasn’t enough for me.

On this dreadful date night caused by scratchy sheets, I was defeated and I didn’t want to talk anymore.  I wanted to fall asleep and wake up in a place where we wanted to kiss more than we wanted to rip each other’s heads off.   The problem is, more talking is exactly what we needed.

After 6 years of marriage, I fell into the habit of thinking, he should know this already.  I shouldn’t have to communicate how I feel, HE SHOULD JUST KNOW.  But here’s the thing – it is wholly unrealistic for us to assume that our significant other can know how we feel 100% of the time. 

The reason I turned into an angry person when Chris recommended we return the sheets was, I felt like a failure.  In this season, every project I was working on was far from completion so when a simple task of buying sheets also fell through, I lost it.  But my poor innocent husband had no idea because I hadn’t told him how I was feeling.  If I had simply expressed my emotion saying, “Ugh.  This makes me so frustrated because it feels like everything I am working on is incomplete…” we could have completely avoided the blowout.

I truly wish Chris could know what I am feeling all the time.  But since he's not a mind reader, I have to keep telling him.  When people say communication is the key to a happy relationship, after 6 years of marriage, I can absolutely attest to that being true.  If we want to excel in our relationships we have to be willing to communicate.

When we were stuck in this season of heavy conversations, we developed three habits that were extremely beneficial in our communication game.  And I want to pass them on to you.

1.    Know your feelings.

If we want to be able to communicate how we’re feeling, it’s crucial that we know how we’re feeling.  This was a big one for Chris – working a busy job he recognized that the time he gave himself to reflect on how he was feeling was minimal.  Taking action on this step was impactful. 

Tip: Take the time to reflect and assess.  How am I feeling about our relationship? How am I feeling in general? Ask yourself, why am I upset?  Is it something he/she said or is it the way it was said?  What would be helpful for me when I’m upset? And so on.  The better we know ourselves, the better we can communicate what we need.

2.    Stop assuming.

It’s easy to assume we understand what our significant other is saying, but a lot of times we’re actually wrong.  I’m guilty of this quite often.  Chris might say something like, “Oh man, the floor is dusty.” And I immediately take that to mean, “He's saying I’m a bad wife because I don’t clean enough.”

Tip: After listening to what your significant other has to say, repeat back to them what you heard starting with,  “So, what I hear you saying is….” Then go on to describe what you heard them say.  A lot of times it’s a revealing exercise that enables you to make sure you're both understanding what is being communicated.  Taking turns doing this exercise is really valuable.

3.    COMMUNICATE.  Share your feelings and ASK your spouse to do the same.   

This last one is plain and simple- talk to your significant other.  After you take the time to self-reflect and know how you’re feeling, share with your spouse.  And then when you're done, ASK them to share where they're at.

Tip: Communication is not just for the bad days – it's important to practice sharing and asking every day.  Tell your significant other about your day, include the seemingly small emotional moments.  Ask how your spouse’s day was, listen intentionally, and then dig deeper - ask if they are feeling encouraged or frustrated, and how you can help.

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These tips sound so simple, and they are, but they are also extremely beneficial.  This summer was not an easy one for our marriage; it was draining.  But now that we’re out of the woods, I can honestly say that having to work extra hard on communication produced a stronger, more efficient marriage. 

You know what else helped? Being honest with my support network that we were in a heavy place.  I don't know why the truth that marriage is often a struggle is another one of the "things we don't talk about."  Maybe we're afraid people will judge us for admitting we want to poke our significant other in the eye more often than not, or maybe we're afraid people will assume the worst thinking divorce is on the table - I don't know.  But, I want to break the barrier and start encouraging each other in the beautiful struggle that is marriage.  

If you're not married, let me encourage you that this post is for you too; because let’s be honest – relationships, in all shapes and sizes, are exhausting at one point or another.  Whether you're tired of the struggle with your friend, your significant other, your mom, or your spouse, let me assure you, working on your communication game will be worth it. 

In our friendships, families, and marriages let's be people who over communicate and do our best to lace every word with love.  It will not go unwarranted.  

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This post is part of my series titled "Things we don't talk about"

To catch up on the rest of the series, tap the links below

What if I don't want to have kids?

July 6th was by far my favorite day of summer.  My parents, my sister and I, along with our husbands were all up north for the week of the 4th of July; the sky was blue, the sun was out, and the temperature hovered at a perfect 84 degrees.  Expecting storms and a day trapped inside, we threw on our swimsuits and scrambled to the pier as quickly as possible.  With our original rainy-day plans dashed, every moment that followed was completely unplanned; what evolved was an epic, spontaneous day dripping with joy.

We water-skied, drank mojitos at the Harbor Bar (our fave restaurant right on the water), and boated to a sandbar where we danced, played, and laughed.  I could go on and continue to list each bit of fun that we endured, but allow me to fast forward and say, we played so hard, we didn’t eat dinner until 10pm.  Like 6 high schoolers buzzing with energy, we jammed into my husband’s pick-up truck to find dessert and laughed the entire way.  This moment, with 4 grown adults squished in the backseat, was so gut wrenchingly precious, that it hurt a little bit.  It was one of those moments that is so good you want to re-live it right away; one you know can never be topped. 

And in that moment, this thought shot through my mind like an arrow, “What if I don’t want to have kids?”

I’ve always imagined being a mother; I pictured us being a family of four with two littles, at least one child being a girl.  But in this moment – all I could think of was this: BABIES CHANGE EVERYTHING.  I can’t be spontaneous.  My family dynamic of the six of us will be drastically different.  I won’t be able to run around on my own schedule.  I like being a kid.  We most definitely wouldn’t be able to repeat our epic day on the lake! This parade of thoughts obnoxiously marching their way through my mind left me panicking, “Seriously… what if I don’t want kids?”

As soon as I admitted to myself that I had just asked that question, shame poured in.  Who in the world asks this question?  “Everyone” wants kids – how could I not want kids?  What if I figure out that this really is in fact how I feel and not just a fear of change?  Is something wrong with me? 

Addressing this question made me realize how much pressure we face as women.  In my world, 95% of my friends are either pregnant right now, just birthed a child, or are planning to get pregnant in the next 6 months.  I’m constantly asked “so… when are you guys thinking of starting a family?” And as innocent as the question may be, right now, it often feels like a side-eye, judgment-filled question.  With seemingly everyone heading in this direction, I’ve been struggling with feeling isolated, insignificant, and alone.

Wrestling with all of this over the past couple months has been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least, but in it I’ve come to terms with 3 things:

1. I do not have to be a mom to be significant

With every pregnancy announcement and every “why aren’t you guys having kids yet” question, there’s this odd lie that tells me if I’m not a mom or about to be a mom, I am insignificant; that my role in this world doesn’t matter as much as so-and-so’s because I am not taking on this incredibly beautiful role of mother.  This lie is brutal – it chips away at my identity and makes me feel small and insignificant. But friends, IT IS NOT TRUE. Kids or no kids, I am significant – my life matters, what I am doing matters because I am a precious daughter of the King.

Zephaniah 3:17 says, “The Lord your God… will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” It doesn’t say, He takes delight in you when you’re finally a mom, it simply says, He will take great delight in you.  As you are, He will rejoice over you with singing. 

Maybe you can’t quite relate to the motherhood pressure - maybe for you it’s the pressure to start dating, or get engaged, or get married; and the constant question “are you seeing anyone?” makes you feel insignificant.  Or maybe it’s something different altogether.  Whatever it is that makes you feel less than, let me step in, stare you in the face and proclaim - you are significant right as you are.  Kids or no kids, married or single, job or no job - your life matters, what you are doing matters.  You are a precious child of the King.

2.    We need to start supporting each other. 

If I’m struggling with feelings of shame admitting that I even thought the question, “What if I don’t want to have kids?” I can only imagine how isolated women who have chosen not to have kids for one reason or another might feel – and that breaks my heart. Our identity as a woman is not based on our decision to mother children.  And we need to stop treating each other like it does. 

Our heavenly Father’s love for us is not an if-then statement.  Nowhere in scripture does it say if you have kids then He will love you more.  And nowhere does it say you must have children. The Lord loves us no matter what.  And as followers of Christ it is our job to love others in this same manner.

The single most encouraging thing during this season has been talking with friends and family (and an amazing husband) who sincerely listen and ask me how I’m doing.  On one particularly difficult day, I cried out to my best friend from beneath the lie of insignificance. After hearing me out, and asking genuine questions about how I was feeling she spoke much-needed truth into my heart.  Even though she couldn’t fully understand where I was, as she herself is expecting, she validated my feelings and with tender, strong words gave me the courage to own this season.  She supported me in the best way possible.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 says, “Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up.”  Even if we don’t understand each other’s decisions, it is our calling to encourage one another.  That applies in my situation, in the icky mom shaming “you should be breastfeeding” pressures, and any other scenarios like this where we are tempted to imply our own opinions on others. 

3.    I don’t know if we’re going to have kids – and that is okay

I don’t know what the Lord has in store for our family, but I do confidently know that the Lord is telling me not yet.  This may just be for a season, another year, or maybe it’s in His plan that our family simply consists of Chris and I, I don’t know. But until the Lord communicates that it’s time to join the masses and make a baby, we’re going to stay in the camp of we’re not having kids right now – and that’s okay. 

It’s taken me a long time to own this answer to the question “What if I don’t want to have kids?” but I think I am finally okay.  I know there will be emotional ups and downs, and that my opinion might soon change.  But I’m confident in the Lord and his direction, and I truly trust that He will make it clear in His timing.  We’ll just have to wait and see. 

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This is not an easy subject to write about.  But I’m hopeful that by opening this conversation we can talk more about this question together, and do a better job of encouraging and supporting each other no matter what. 

My ultimate hope for this series, things we don’t talk about, is to start conversations.  So, if you can relate to this topic – I would love to hear from you in the comments below or via email on my contact page. 

-       If you're a mama - did you experience these feelings pre-babies?

-       If you're not a mama – what runs through your mind when you think about motherhood?  Can you relate?

-       If you’re single – can you resonate with this feeling of pressure?

No matter where you are – cling to these truths.  You are not alone; you are significant; you are wholly, and completely loved by a God who loves you exactly as you are. 

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This post is a part of my series titled "Things we don't talk about"

To catch up on the rest of the series, tap the links below

Things we don't talk about

A friend recently asked me, “how would you describe this last year?”  After pondering for a moment I responded with the ever-so-technical, not-really-a-word “struggley.”  2017 has been a wonderful year, I’ve seen the Lord’s good work and guidance in so many ways, but it’s also been a year of struggle. 

Amidst all the good, my heart has been heavy as I’ve wrestled with thoughts about motherhood, a strained season of marriage, and friendships that have withered away.  And the hardest part of it all, I felt like I was dealing with it alone.  All of these subjects, these struggles I’m working through, are things we don’t talk about. 

No one mentions their difficulties in marriage because we don’t want people to think we’re a mess or assume the worst.  I rarely hear women talk about their fears about becoming a mom or admit they don’t want to have kids.  No one wants to disclose that friends have cut them out of their life for no reason.  And what about sex, sure media and all things commercial talk about it because “sex sells” but how often do you hear people share about the struggles relating to sex in marriage?

When no one talks about these things, it is easy to feel isolated, like you’re the only one who could possibly be dealing with these issues.  But this is not true. And that is why I'm writing this series.  My ultimate hope is that these posts would help us start conversations about these untouched topics and encourage each other that we are not alone.

For the next month, I am writing about these things we don’t talk about.

1. What if I don’t want to have kids?

2. Marriage: when you don’t want to talk

3. What to Do when Friendships Fail

4. 5 Reasons Saving Sex for Marriage is Worth it

I am really excited about this series (and guest writer I have lined up!) and cannot wait to release my first post about motherhood tomorrow.  To kick off the series with a bang, I'm giving away a copy of Still Waiting by Ann Swindell.  And I'd love for you to enter!  Head over to my latest post on Instagram to find out how. 

Not sure what Still Waiting is about - tap here to read my review.  It's a book that was extremely encouraging in this season of life and I know it will bless you too.  

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image by Oak and Oats