Wishing you a Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas friends and family! 

I am so happy to be here wishing you a merry Christmas and celebrating the birth of our savior Jesus Christ. There has been so much goodness laced into the messiness of 2020 and I am excited to share a tiny bit of what’s been happening in our corner of the world through our virtual Christmas card.

Without further ado, here’s a virtual Christmas card from us to you!

What’s new with work?

C: I am still working away as Executive Director at CIBC-Cleary Gull. After a few slow weeks at the beginning of the pandemic, activity picked back up. The biggest change for me has been working from home since March with little to no travel. After months sitting at a card table in our basement, I built myself a desk and am settling in as we have no current plans of returning to the office anytime soon. I feel very blessed that my job has remained steady throughout the pandemic.

M: As a writer who already worked from home, not much has changed for me – other than now having a co-worker in my space, haha. I am missing working in coffee shops due to the pandemic, but am learning to adjust my rhythms and write whenever, wherever, and whatever the Lord lays on my heart in this season. This past year I was published in Grit & Virtue, The Kindred Voice, and just recently was featured on The Kindred Convos podcast talking about how to support a friend with anxiety.

Unexpected Blessing this year

C: Spending more time with Mindy is number one. I’ve also really enjoyed completing some house projects that’ve been on my list forever, and getting back into working out.

M: Hands down, the extra time with Chris. Pre-pandemic, Chris did a lot of traveling for work, and had a lot of later evenings at the office. Getting to see him when he pops up for a cup of coffee, and with no travel, actually getting to eat meals together most, if not all, days really is a huge gift. I am soaking up this extra time with him.

Favorite carry out meal 

C & M: We both agree that our 4-course carry out anniversary dinner from Sanford, a delicious local restaurant, easily tops our list of carry out meals. The exquisite meal was a fully crafted menu with two elevated appetizers (one with elk sausage, that was our favorite dish of the night), an entrée (mine with beef tenderloin and Chris’ with shrimp and scallop), topped off with a chocolate tart and a carmelized fig tart – all with wine pairings to go with the tasting menu. It was outstanding. Highly recommend if you’re celebrating something and want an out of the box (hah literally, cause it’s carry out), high-end meal.

Songs you’re loving right now 

C: “Sweet Victory” by Trip Lee and “Unapologetically Country as Hell” by Hardy

M: “Heavenly Hosts” by For King and Country and  “Into the Sea” by Tasha Layton 

A top moment in 2020

C: Since the pandemic has made travel difficult, every time I get to see my family (who lives 6.5 hours away in Minnesota) has been a blessing. Another cool opportunity I had this year was to golf Whistling Straits and Black Wolf Run, two of the top courses in the state of Wisconsin. I won’t mention my scores (haha), but it was a ton of fun to golf those beautiful courses.  

M: The first time we went up north as a family after my mom’s heart surgery. If you didn’t know, my mom had a heart attack followed by open-heart surgery in July. It shook our world, but God was so faithful through it. Being together again for the first time at our family lake cabin after her surgery and recovery felt like such a sweet celebration of the Lord’s provision and protection through the entire scary process. I still can’t believe it happened, and if you saw my mom and the way she has healed and is rearing to go, you wouldn’t either. God blessed us richly in the way He cared for my mama.

I am honestly not sure how I would have made it through some of the challenges this year held if it weren’t for Jesus. “In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:4-5

Seasons of darkness are really challenging, but they are also a mixed blessing because it’s in the dark that a glimpse of light is even more brilliant. In the heaviness of this year, we have seen Jesus work so clearly it’s unmistakable.

In the darkness, He has been our light.
In the heavy moments, He has been our hope.
In the anxious ones, He has been our peace.

For such a time as this crazy weird year, God sent Jesus to earth, as a baby in a manger, so that He might experience life as we know it. He could’ve come up with a different plan to save us, but He came as a human so that He might know our pain, sympathize with our weakness, and know exactly what we need to endure it.

This year was hard for all of us. And it feels odd to celebrate Christmas without some of the traditions we normally keep. But nothing can change the fact that we get to celebrate the gift the Lord gave us through Christ – and friends, this year I want to be loud about it. No matter what comes our way we get to rely on a Savior who has gone before us, made a way for us to have peace and light in the darkness, and holds everything that is to come in the palm of His hand.

If you need hope, light, or peace – turn to Jesus, dear friends. He is so good, so worthy of our praise, and He is why we celebrate.

P.S. All of these photos of Chris and I were taken by Cassie Rosch, an extremely talented local photographer.
We really enjoyed spending time with her during our anniversary session in November, and we are so thankful for the amazing photos she captured.
I can’t wait to share more with you in the future.

5 Reasons Saving Sex for Marriage is Worth It

A couple months ago, I was sitting on the couch watching an episode of the Bachelorette and I got so riled up I turned off the TV, pulled out my phone, and angrily ranted to my Instagram story viewers. No, I wasn’t mad that Becca, the bachelorette, sent home my top pick; I was furious because of the way Colton, one of her suitors, was shamed for being a virgin. They talked about his virginity like it was a disease or a bad case of the flu; like being a virgin made him broken somehow.  Other men in the house said comments like: “She might not want to take that on.” “I wouldn’t put a ring on that if I were her.” “This could be a real deal breaker.”

I was so appalled that my heart rate literally skyrocketed. This is what our culture communicates; this is what our youth is being told; that being a virgin is a curse. And that is not okay.

If you are a virgin, you are not broken; you are not lame. You are honorable, and I believe that saving sex for marriage is a choice that will protect you.

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At a very young age, I decided that I was going to save sex for marriage. Looking back, it seems like somewhat of a miracle that I was a virgin until our wedding night, because no one gave me positive reasons to wait.  I’d learned all the stereotypical reasons. You could get an STD. You might get pregnant. God tells you not to. But no one, in school or church, gave us perspective on the flip side – why waiting is worth it.

Now that I’m on the other side, and enjoying the pleasure of sex with my husband, I’ve recognized that there are so many reasons that being a virgin until our wedding night was worth it. What I don’t understand is, why don’t people talk about them? This lack is the largest issue feeding the lie that virginity is bad.

Today, I’m speaking into the void and reframing the negative perspective about virginity by sharing my top 5 (non-cliché) reasons saving sex for marriage was worth it.  Let’s get to it. 

1. No “Am I pregnant?” anxiety

One time in college, my period disappeared for over 3 months.  I’ve never had a regular cycle, but this was the longest I’d ever gone without a period and I was freaked—so much so, that I convinced my roommates to come with me to buy a pregnancy test. Wait, hold up- I thought you just told us that you were a virgin until you got married…how could you possibly be pregnant? Yes, yes. True and very true. There wasn’t even the slightest possibility that the test would come back positive because I wasn’t having sex.  But somehow my anxious tendencies had me convinced that perhaps I was the modern day Virgin Mary. 

Of course the test was negative - shocker. But imagine if I was actually having sex.  Even if it were protected sex, I would have been a constant anxious mess.  Saving sex for marriage protected me from “Am I pregnant?” anxiety.   

2. Sex creates a unique bond

Culture tells us that sex is simple – it’s primal, all about pleasure, thoughtless, and carefree with zero connection necessary.  This is a giant misconception.  Sex creates a unique bond; even science agrees.  During sex a hormone called oxytocin is released.  This hormone often referred to as the “love drug” plays a role in bonding; it’s even said to influence feelings of trust or confidence.  So, what this tells me is, even if we want to remain disconnected emotionally, it’s not physically possible – our bodies are chemically wired to use sex as an instrument to build a bond. 

Check out this 3-minute video where John Mark Comer, pastor and author, describes sex as being “fused together at the deepest level”.  This beautiful bond is so powerful that it blesses marriage richly, but outside of marriage it’s capable of emotional destruction every time you walk away from a sexual partner.

Saving sex for my marriage protected this bond in two ways. One, I never questioned whether the connection I had with a significant other was falsely built through the bond of sex.  And two, I was able to bond solely and wholly with my husband. Which leads me to my next point…

3. No comparison

My memory is like a steel trap.  As a writer, this comes in handy, but when we’re talking about emotional experiences, it can easily become a fault.  I can pretty vividly remember some of the steamy kisses I had with my ex-boyfriends.  I can tell you where we were, what I was wearing, and the intensity of the make-out session. As much as I’d like to block them out of my memory and only remember those moments with my husband, they’re still lurking in the depths of my brain.   

Saving sex for my marriage protected me from creating sexual memories that could creep into my mind unwelcomed, while I’m having sex with my husband.  I’ve told Chris time and time again, “I am so glad that I am not bringing anyone else into our bed.”  Without any uninvited sexual memories, our intimacy is protected and there is no comparison game.  When Chris and I are having sex, my mind is able to focus solely on what I’m doing and feeling with him.    

I can’t stress this one enough.  Saving this experience for your spouse will significantly improve your ability to connect between the sheets.  

4. Excitement after you say “I do”

One summer during college, I asked a co-worker who had recently gotten married, “How is married life?” Much to my surprise, she rolled her eyes and said,  “Eh… it’s fine.  Nothing’s really different than before.”

She lived with her boyfriend before they got married and they’d already been having sex – nothing was new and exciting except the rings on their fingers. 

After telling me her story she said, “Don’t rob yourself the excitement of marriage by doing what I did.” 

Her story stuck with me. Marriage is a monumental life transition, and I didn’t want to take anything away from that. There was nothing dull about life after our wedding night. We moved in together for the first time and got to have sex whenever we wanted; married life was as monumental as it was supposed to be.

5. God blesses sex within marriage

Something that isn’t communicated enough is – God created sex to be enjoyed.  He created it for pleasure. He created it to rock our worlds, to be mind-blowing, if you will.  Just read Song of Songs, a book in the bible that is a love letter, basically erotic poetry and you’ll see that God is not opposed to passionate lovemaking.  But, He created it to be all those things within the covenant of marriage.

In a book called, Sex, Jesus, and the Conversations the Church Forgot, author Mo Isom says,

“Sex is not a performance-based or self-serving act that is purely there to serve our own individual wants. Sex in marriage is a beautiful, evolving, sacrificial act. It’s the Gospel lived out in sacrificial love for another’s body, soul and heart. As the church, we’ve forgotten to celebrate and edify and exalt the gift God designed to weld us together in spirit and decimate the enemy’s attempt to divide us. That holy, covenant-bound sex is worth waiting for. That sex is what God always intended it to be—shame-free, pleasure-drenched, and deeply unifying. That sex unmasks the one-night stands and the culture-crazed hookups and the promiscuity carried out in the darkness for what they really are—primitive, self-serving, impatient splurges that cheapen the value of the gift we’ve been given.” - Ch. 11

Can sex still be pleasurable outside of marriage? Yes, I’m sure it can. But those experiences will pale in comparison.  Without shame, guilt, or questioning the other person’s sincerity, sex within marriage allows us to tap into all the pleasure, freedom, and connection that God created it to be.

When we have sex within marriage we don’t have to hide – we’re honoring Him and how He created us to become one by jumping our spouse’s bones. As odd as it may sound, it gives Him glory. And you know what happens when we give Him glory? We get to experience the overflow of that.

Sex within marriage may not be perfection every single time, but we are able to experience a deeper level of passion and a stronger connection because we are having sex within the boundaries for which God created it. 

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Protection vs. Restriction

Thinking through my 5 reasons saving sex is worth it, I recognized an important distinction—saving sex for marriage is less about restricting yourself and more about protecting yourself so that you can enjoy sex as God intended it to be – passionate and free.

In John 10:10 Jesus says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” Jesus came not to restrict us, but to free us to live life to the fullest.  Saving sex for marriage is one of the ways God enables us to do that, to faithfully experience sex to the fullest.

Here’s the best part about Jesus, this freedom is ours for the taking no matter where we’re at or what we’ve done. If you want to experience His freedom, live life to the fullest, and you’ve already had sex, there is no condemnation here. Our God is all about new beginnings; His mercies are new every single morning.

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Whether you’ve had sex, are waiting for marriage, or still on the fence about the whole thing, my prayer is that together we might start more conversations about sex, and highlight the positive reasons that our culture simply does not talk about.

I’d love to hear what you thought.

• Did this subject resonate with you?

• Do you have more to add to my list of positive reasons?

• If you waited for marriage, what reasons would you give?

• If you didn’t wait, do you wish you would’ve? Or are you glad you didn’t? 

This post is a part of my Things we don’t talk about series – a series whose goal is to start conversations about topics that our culture does not talk about.  This is a conversation, and I can’t wait to hear from you.

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Want to read the other posts in the series?
Check out the links below. 

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Dependent on the Lord

I have been gone every single weekend since the beginning of June. It has been one engagement after another making this an uncharacteristically crazy season. One night last week, I sat next to my hubby on the couch and nervously asked, "Do you feel like we're disconnected?"I didn't think we were, but I wanted to make sure that he was on the same page.

"No... I actually feel like this season has brought us closer!" He said.

A tentative smile spread across my face as sweet chills ran up my spine. "Really? How so?"

After a brief moment, he responded, "I've intentionally poured more into you. And you've been more dependent on me."

In two short sentences, he described this season in our marriage perfectly.  Digging my heels in to writing my book proposal and wrestling anxiety that has been more intense than usual, I have been dependent on my husband like never before.

He’s been my…

• Reprieve when my brain can’t pen words on a page anymore
• Comic relief when I want to poke my eyes out
• Gentle hand on my arm when I need grounding
• Strong affirmer – “You are doing great.  You are fighting so hard.” – when it feels like my anxiety is winning 
• Constant, whole-hearted, no-limits source of love

There was one night this summer where he was out of town for work and his absence was uncomfortable. Oh my goodness. I thought. Without Chris here to break me free from the mind circles within me, or shift my focus from anxiety to laughter, I feel like a hot mess.

In that moment, I recognized how very dependent on my husband I have become. That’s how we are supposed to be in marriage; clinging to each other in a helpful, support-each-other-so-well sort of way that the presence is noticeably different in their absence. 

Reflecting on how much I’ve learned to depend on him in this season was a sweet moment, but it was also a strong reminder of how the Lord wants us to depend on Him. 

My husband is a trust-worthy, encouraging, loving man; but his goodness cannot even touch the greatness of our heavenly Father who lovingly, tenderly holds us fast even when we don’t recognize it.

A metaphor that has been resonating with me lately is thinking about the Lord as our anchor. No matter how crazy the surface gets - storms, 10 foot waves, or a peaceful presence that only a gentle breath of wind can disturb - He grounds us.  We cannot and will not flip over, even in a tsunami, because He is not just one of those sissy anchors that looks like your stereotypical sailor tattoo.  He’s an anchor the size of the size of a cruise ship – one that looks like a bear trap sunk into the depths of the sea, clawing the earth so deeply that no wind can shift its location.  Nothing can loosen His grip on us. No storm, big or small, makes Him any less dependable – He is always there.

Leaning into Chris in this busy season has been life giving and incredibly beneficial for both of us and our marriage, but even more important than being dependent on my husband is being wholeheartedly dependent on the Lord. 

Allowing ourselves to depend on someone is not always easy. Our common fear is - What if I lean in to someone and they let me down? Unfortunately this is a reality that we must face with fellow humans, but not with our everlasting Father.  He will never, ever let us go.

This truth brings comfort to my soul and a steadiness to my anxious heart.  My prayer is that it might do the same for you.  Together let’s stand on the ledge and trust fall into the steady, capable, dependable arms of our Savior.

photo by Caroline Howard

Empowering accountability

A few days ago over on my Instagram account, I asked this question; “When you hear the word accountable, like someone is going to hold you accountable, what is your initial gut reaction?  Is it positive or negative?”  I’m a little surprised to tell you that 89% responded with a ‘thumbs up’, meaning a positive response.  For some reason, I was expecting more people to respond negatively. 

Personally, I love the act of being held accountable – there’s something so personal and powerful about trusting someone to hold you responsible for something.  But I can also understand a negative reaction, because I think accountability comes off restrictive.  Allow me to give you an example. 

My husband and I are not strangers to alcoholic beverages.  Chris is a beer snob, and I like bubbles, wine, beer – okay, I like a lot of libations, but let’s not get off topic.  When we started taking our faith more seriously, we recognized the importance of not letting our love for tasty drinks get out of hand.  We want to represent the Lord well, and drinking in moderation, is a part of that.  And let's be honest, we're not always good at this.

On one recent occasion, we were hanging with a group of friends, eating snacks, playing games and having a few drinks. After Chris had a few, I leaned over and whispered, “Hey babe, you might want to have a glass of water before you grab another one.” From our perspective, this was me keeping my word to my husband.  We’ve talked about this very scenario where we are tempted to have one too many, and we’ve agreed to hold each other accountable, aka know when it’s time to cut it off.  But from an outsider’s perspective, this easily looks like a nagging wife trying to control or restrict her husband. 

Here’s the thing, accountability is not meant to be restrictive; it’s actually meant to be empowering.

I’ve been reading 1 Thessalonians lately, and came upon a verse that I think beautifully portrays a non-restrictive, ‘thumbs up’ definition of what it means to hold each other accountable. 

1 Thessalonians 2:11-12 says, “For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.”

Those words in bold, encouraging, comforting, and urging, are what empowering accountability is made of. 

If I want to decrease my time spent on my phone, Chris yelling at me every time my nose is buried in Instagram isn’t going to inspire me; a gentle reminder that I want to create more space for conversation or listening for the Lord– that will.  The same principle applies elsewhere.  If I want to be held accountable to reading the Bible more, having someone ask me pointedly, “Have you been reading your bible every single day?” and then scolding me if the answer is no, isn’t going to press me to get into the word.  But being urged and encouraged that gaining wisdom from the Bible is life giving, that will motivate me to dig deeper. 

Using language that is encouraging, comforting and urging is a crucial component of empowering accountability, but there's one more piece.  It cannot be a one-sided decision.  If I randomly decided that I didn’t want Chris to drink as much in a social setting, and started harping on him to drink water instead, what do you think his response would be?  He’d be taken off guard and probably a bit frustrated.  I can’t hold Chris accountable to drinking less without him inviting me to do so.  And the same goes to any accountability relationship.

In order for accountability to be empowering, both of these characteristics must be present: 
- it must be birthed in a trust-based relationship and agreed upon by both parties
- the goal must be to encourage, comfort and urge each other towards the goal

I love this verse, this beautiful perspective, on accountability so much that Chris and I have declared it over our marriage for 2018.  We want this year to be a year where we are not only intentional with our marriage, but intentional in becoming more like Christ.  And the only way to do that is by encouraging, comforting, and urging each other to live lives worthy of God, who calls us into his kingdom and glory.   

If you’ve never experienced empowering accountability, my prayer is that this might kick start you to pursue it.  As Paul says in 1 Thessalonians 5:11, let’s “encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 

image by Caroline Ro

Ask then act

I am so excited to tell you that for this week's post in the "Things we don't talk about" series, we have a guest writer here on lovemin!  Last week, I started the conversation about the very real struggle of marriage, and how if we want to excel in our relationships we have to be willing to communicate.  This week, Caleb Engel, is continuing the conversation with the valuable idea that the best place to start is to ask questions, then act.  

Caleb and Maison Engel, the stunning couple in the image above, are wedding photographers who are super passionate about marriage. Maison (who I met through Instagram) started a monthly marriage newsletter with her husband Caleb to help couples engage in conversations about money, sex, conflict, and many other marriage-related topics.  I signed up for the newsletter right away and each month I have been positively challenged by the prompts in their newsletter that promote communication.

When I was brainstorming the things we don't talk about series, I knew I wanted them to be a part of it.  I mean seriously, how often do you get to hear a male's perspective on communication?  Thank you Caleb, for sharing this with us.  

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Wouldn't it be nice if your spouse could read your mind? 

Like if they brought home your favorite bottle of wine after work, just because? Or left you a voicemail simply to let you know they were thinking about you? Something small that could turn your whole week around.

We all know that when this happens, it makes us feel really cared for. But we also know that sometimes it can be difficult to know what your spouse needs in a given week. Like maybe you vacuumed the whole house ... but what they really wanted was for you to simply drop everything as soon as they got home and greet them with a hug (that lasted a little longer than normal).

This is why we shouldn't rely on mind reading.

One of the hardest things we face in our marriage is the ambiguity behind asking for what our spouse needs. We often find ourselves thinking, "If I have to ask Caleb/Maison what I could do to make him/her feel loved this week, then it won't be as special."  It won’t feel romantic or spontaneous which means that the spark is gone, right? We find ourselves believing we aren't cherished or known.  But the opposite has actually proven itself to be true and has even made spontaneous moments feel that much more special!  The best place to start is to simply ask ... and then act ... and then ask again. 

I’ve often asked Maison, “What can I do to make you feel loved?” She has told me things like, “Write me a love note, verbalize your feelings more (I am not the best at this!), etc.” When she directly tells me these things, I now know, for example, that writing her a little love note would make her feel special and I can easily execute this in our marriage! I also know that if you were to ask Maison if she felt less loved getting a note from me because we had previously had this conversation, she would say, “No way!” I asked, she told me, and she still feels loved.

So, what does this mean on a day-to-day basis?

Below, we have two questions from our monthly marriage newsletter to prompt some discussion about the things that your spouse has already done to make you feel special and the things they could start doing! You know what they say, practice makes perfect.

1. What is one SMALL thing I've done in the past six months that made you feel loved/special? What about it made you feel that way?
2. What is one thing I can do this week to make you feel loved/special?

** A Note about Question #2: Remember to show grace to each other when making tangible commitments. If your spouse isn’t following through on your answer to Question #2, it’s likely because they have forgotten (new habits are hard to form and, well, life happens! We’re all guilty of this!). If you’re looking for a good way to remember to take action, try setting your spouse’s answer as a reminder on your phone with a due date by the end of the week!

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The marriage newsletter

Each month Maison & Caleb send out a newsletter to help couples engage in conversations about money, sex, conflict... and everything else married couples deal with.

I signed up when Maison shared about the newsletter over on her Instagram, and I am SO glad that I did.  The prompts within the newsletter, much like the ones above, are great conversation starters that have been helpful tools for fostering better communication in our marriage AND in my friendships.  (My hubby even signed up too!)

Want to sign up?  Tap the button below.

images via Maison Meredith

This post is a part of my series called "Things we don't talk about"

To catch up on the rest of the series, tap the links below

When you don't want to talk to your spouse

This past summer, my husband and I renovated our guest bedroom.  The lead paint chips were removed, the walls were sanded, primed and painted.  All that was left were finishing touches- a new duvet, pillows, lamp for the nightstand, and sheets.  Sheets…  One would think that sheets might be the least problematic part of a renovation, but the mere utterance of the word still makes me cringe a little.  On one particularly warm summer night, sheets were less like fabric and more like a curse word that transformed a sweet date night into a yelling match and slamming doors. 

The beginning of the night was date night perfection; Chris, and I sipped wine on the patio of our go-to Italian restaurant, Il Mito, shared kisses in between bites of spaghetti bolognese and topped off our meal with my fave dessert, crème brulée.  Hand-in-hand we walked home, eager to snuggle on the couch and catch up on Netflix.  But first, (for whatever reason) I wanted to show him the new sheets I bought to complete our guest bedroom.

I stripped the bed, pulled out the brand new charcoal grey sheets and stretched the fitted sheet across the mattress.  Fluffing the top sheet like a parachute, I tucked in the corners and smoothed out all the ripples.  “Chris!” I called out, “Come check out our new sheets!”  I ran my hands across the sheets, excited that this last piece was done.  These were perfect.  But wait, why do these feel scratchy all of a sudden? At the store they felt satiny and smooth; why do they now feel like sandpaper?  I glared at Chris desperately hopeful that I was wrong, and he said, “Hmm… these are scratchy.” 

Like a light switch, my mood instantly flipped.  I ripped the new sheets off the bed and threw them in a heap on the floor.  Stomping around the room, I attempted to put the old sheets back on, only to knock the bed off its risers, nearly smashing my toes.  In an effort to diffuse the situation Chris said, “Babe.  It’s okay.  I know it’s frustrating that the sheets are not what you expected, but we can just return them.”  When he said those words, I flashed to an episode of Friends, where Ross, one of the main characters, finds out that someone stole his favorite, left-over Thanksgiving turkey sandwich from the refrigerator at work.  Enraged, his eyes bulge and he yells,  “MY SANDWICH!? MYYYY SANDWICH?!?!” In that instant, I transformed into irate Ross.  Furious and irrational I cried, "We can just return them?! WE CAN JUST RETURN THEM?!"

After shouting back and forth for fifteen solid minutes, I pounded my way upstairs, slammed the bedroom door and flung myself on the bed.  Truth is, this wasn’t about the sheets.  It was about the fact that, in this season, our marriage felt a lot less like play and a ton more like work. 

Before we got married, people warned us, “Marriage is amazing, but it is HARD."  I believed them, but it wasn’t until year 6 that I experienced the truth of that statement.  Let’s not kid ourselves, Chris and I have had plenty of difficulties and arguments in the years prior, but it wasn’t until year 6 where way more often than I’d like to admit, I thought, holy cats, I really want to poke him right in the eye and I won’t even feel bad about it.  For who knows what reason, this year, we were seemingly never on the same page.  Dinnertime constantly felt like punishment as we battled our way through heavy conversations about how I was frustrated, feeling neglected or misunderstood, and how he felt like he was trying his hardest, but it still wasn’t enough for me.

On this dreadful date night caused by scratchy sheets, I was defeated and I didn’t want to talk anymore.  I wanted to fall asleep and wake up in a place where we wanted to kiss more than we wanted to rip each other’s heads off.   The problem is, more talking is exactly what we needed.

After 6 years of marriage, I fell into the habit of thinking, he should know this already.  I shouldn’t have to communicate how I feel, HE SHOULD JUST KNOW.  But here’s the thing – it is wholly unrealistic for us to assume that our significant other can know how we feel 100% of the time. 

The reason I turned into an angry person when Chris recommended we return the sheets was, I felt like a failure.  In this season, every project I was working on was far from completion so when a simple task of buying sheets also fell through, I lost it.  But my poor innocent husband had no idea because I hadn’t told him how I was feeling.  If I had simply expressed my emotion saying, “Ugh.  This makes me so frustrated because it feels like everything I am working on is incomplete…” we could have completely avoided the blowout.

I truly wish Chris could know what I am feeling all the time.  But since he's not a mind reader, I have to keep telling him.  When people say communication is the key to a happy relationship, after 6 years of marriage, I can absolutely attest to that being true.  If we want to excel in our relationships we have to be willing to communicate.

When we were stuck in this season of heavy conversations, we developed three habits that were extremely beneficial in our communication game.  And I want to pass them on to you.

1.    Know your feelings.

If we want to be able to communicate how we’re feeling, it’s crucial that we know how we’re feeling.  This was a big one for Chris – working a busy job he recognized that the time he gave himself to reflect on how he was feeling was minimal.  Taking action on this step was impactful. 

Tip: Take the time to reflect and assess.  How am I feeling about our relationship? How am I feeling in general? Ask yourself, why am I upset?  Is it something he/she said or is it the way it was said?  What would be helpful for me when I’m upset? And so on.  The better we know ourselves, the better we can communicate what we need.

2.    Stop assuming.

It’s easy to assume we understand what our significant other is saying, but a lot of times we’re actually wrong.  I’m guilty of this quite often.  Chris might say something like, “Oh man, the floor is dusty.” And I immediately take that to mean, “He's saying I’m a bad wife because I don’t clean enough.”

Tip: After listening to what your significant other has to say, repeat back to them what you heard starting with,  “So, what I hear you saying is….” Then go on to describe what you heard them say.  A lot of times it’s a revealing exercise that enables you to make sure you're both understanding what is being communicated.  Taking turns doing this exercise is really valuable.

3.    COMMUNICATE.  Share your feelings and ASK your spouse to do the same.   

This last one is plain and simple- talk to your significant other.  After you take the time to self-reflect and know how you’re feeling, share with your spouse.  And then when you're done, ASK them to share where they're at.

Tip: Communication is not just for the bad days – it's important to practice sharing and asking every day.  Tell your significant other about your day, include the seemingly small emotional moments.  Ask how your spouse’s day was, listen intentionally, and then dig deeper - ask if they are feeling encouraged or frustrated, and how you can help.

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These tips sound so simple, and they are, but they are also extremely beneficial.  This summer was not an easy one for our marriage; it was draining.  But now that we’re out of the woods, I can honestly say that having to work extra hard on communication produced a stronger, more efficient marriage. 

You know what else helped? Being honest with my support network that we were in a heavy place.  I don't know why the truth that marriage is often a struggle is another one of the "things we don't talk about."  Maybe we're afraid people will judge us for admitting we want to poke our significant other in the eye more often than not, or maybe we're afraid people will assume the worst thinking divorce is on the table - I don't know.  But, I want to break the barrier and start encouraging each other in the beautiful struggle that is marriage.  

If you're not married, let me encourage you that this post is for you too; because let’s be honest – relationships, in all shapes and sizes, are exhausting at one point or another.  Whether you're tired of the struggle with your friend, your significant other, your mom, or your spouse, let me assure you, working on your communication game will be worth it. 

In our friendships, families, and marriages let's be people who over communicate and do our best to lace every word with love.  It will not go unwarranted.  

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This post is part of my series titled "Things we don't talk about"

To catch up on the rest of the series, tap the links below