What to do when friendships fail

Approaching the topic of what to do when friendships fail is a sensitive one for me.  I am a huge fan of community.  I love the satisfaction of finding a deep connection with a group of people who “get” you; you feel encouraged, challenged, you can share the good, the bad and the ugly and at the end of the night laugh until there are tears in your eyes.  But… as passionate as my love is for connected relationships, the scars I bear from failed friendships are profound.

Throughout my adult years, I have had a handful of significant friendships unexpectedly drop off the map. In each scenario, the change in our friendship was a mysterious disappearance. Texts simply stopped coming in, phone calls remained unanswered, and when we did actually speak the conversations were surface level at best.  Each time, I was confused, heartbroken and kept coming back to God with the same questions, “Why is this happening? Is it something I did? What am I supposed to do to restore our broken relationship?” 

It’s a difficult place to navigate because a) how do you figure out what happened when the other person isn’t talking to you; and b) our culture doesn’t talk about what to do when friendships fail.

Through these struggles, I have learned 3 important steps to take when friendships fail.  These steps have helped me work towards restoring friendships, but equally important, they have given me freedom when the outcome isn’t what I hoped for.  My prayer is that they’ll do the same for you. 

MAKE EVERY EFFORT TO KEEP THE UNITY

“As a prisoner for the Lord, then I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.  Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.  Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”  Ephesians 4:1-3

Every time that I have struggled with a broken friendship, I have found myself consistently drawn back to these verses; specifically to the call to make every effort to keep the unity.  This feels so counter-cultural, and when we’re hurting, it’s probably one of the last things we want to do.  But, what I’ve discovered is, if we have any hope for restoring our relationships, this must be the foundation of our actions. The calling to make every effort to keep the unity is the heart behind my 3 steps to take when friendships fail. 
 

1. Bear with one another in love

The best way to describe this step is through the words of 1 Peter 4:8.  It says, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”  When I read this verse, I picture love like a soft, fuzzy blanket covering over a bunch of nasty, rusty, dirty junk – each harsh word, each back stabbing moment, each unreturned phone call or text, is hidden by the blanket so that we cannot see it anymore.  Yes, those painful actions are still there, but covering them with a blanket of love allows us to shift our focus.

Let’s be real honest here – feeling cut out by a friend is a confusing and hurtful experience, so suggesting you cover pain with love probably feels a little bit like asking you to take a punch in the face with zero retaliation.  When I’m hurting, there’s a part of me that wants the person who hurt me to know just how much pain I’m in, and then I want them to experience it.  Then, maybe then, we can make it right. Only problem, operating in this manner will not mend our broken relationship. 

If there’s any hope of restoring a friendship, we have to bear with one another in love.  When we can get to the place where our love speaks louder than our anger, then we can take the next step. 
 

2. Speak the truth in love

One of our biggest issues with friendships failing is that we are afraid of confrontation.  Maybe we are afraid of approaching the other person, afraid of making them mad, or afraid of being vulnerable and admitting we are hurt.  If we want to make every effort to restore our friendships, we have to be willing to step into healthy confrontation - key word, healthy. 

Ephesians 4:15, one of my all-time favorite Bible verses, says, “ Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is Christ.” Notice how Paul doesn’t just say, “speak the truth…” he says “speak the truth IN LOVE”; this is the difference between healthy confrontation and straight up confrontation.  As tempting as it is to speak truth freely when we’re angry (trust me, I know the struggle), this type of confrontation will not be successful.  But, healthy confrontation - speaking to our friend, telling him/her how we are hurting, asking what’s going on from their perspective, and pointing out what has been hurtful FROM A PLACE OF LOVE – will be.

I said this in my post about when you don’t want to talk in marriage, and I can’t stress it enough… if we want our relationships to excel we have to be willing to speak the truth in love.  What if our friend has no idea how we are feeling and a simple, tender, loving conversation is all it takes to put the relationship back in the awesome category?

If you want to step into confrontation but are not sure if you're ready, here are a few Dos & Don’ts that have prevented me from speaking out of anger.  

3. Adjust expectations

Here’s the harsh truth – no one on this earth will ever fully meet our expectations.  We might bear with one another, speak the truth in love and still feel like we’re the one who invests more in the relationship or places a higher value on friendship. (Honestly, this has been the outcome in much of my experience.)  So what then?  Do we give up?  Do we move on? 

I wish I had all the answers - struggling with the loss of friendships feels like the thorn in my side.  But what I do know is, there comes a point where we have to adjust our expectations enough to recognize that the Lord is the ONLY one who will love us perfectly.  Psalm 62:1-2 says, “My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.”  The Lord is 100% dependable.  He knows every longing in our heart because He knit us together in our mother’s womb.  He understands when we’re hurting before we do.  He is fully invested in who we are.  Our heavenly Father is the perfect example of 1 Peter 4:8 – His love covers all of our sins. 

Adjusting our expectations, to understand that the Lord is the only one who can love us perfectly, helps us find satisfaction in Him. No matter what happens in our relationships, our longings will never go unmet.

Step one – Bear with one another in love.
Step two – Speak the truth (if and only if, it’s) IN LOVE.
Step three – Adjust expectations

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Friends, please know that I am not claiming to be a pro at this.  I wish I could say that every time I walk through these 3 steps the outcome is a mended relationship; unfortunately, I cannot claim that to be true.  I am still working through situations with lost friendships, learning to understand that sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do with me, and recognizing the truth that not all friendships are meant to be "lifers."  

I realize that these steps don't work in every scenario, that sometimes life changes and friendships simply transition with space or time.  But, in the situations where something needs to be said, I truly believe that these steps are worth it - and here's why... Even if the outcome isn't what you hoped for, with the completion of these steps comes the affirmation and confidence that you made every effort to keep the unity, and you can lean into the Lord and let go with peace.  

My hope is that by following these 3 steps to take when friendships fail you will walk away feeling affirmed that you have done everything you possibly can to restore the friendship and that you'd be 100% confident in this: 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. 
You are not too much.
You are not too little.
You do not deserve to be neglected.
You deserve to be loved in the most perfect, beautiful way – AND YOU ARE.
You are wholly and perfectly loved by the God who created you.
You are known.
You are enough. 
 

If this post struck a cord with you, please send me a message. 
I’m here for you as we navigate this struggle together – and would love to encourage you in any way that I can. 

photo by Roost Photography

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This post is a part of my series, Things we don't talk about.  
To check out the rest of the series, click the links below.  

The Friend Who Exceeds Expectations

Last summer I was a sad song stuck on repeat. Wrought with loneliness, over and over again I cried out to God asking, “Where are my deep friendships?”

In a perfect world, my idea of a deep friendship is composed of two people who love each other so deeply that it’s a bit overwhelming. If you’re discouraged, your friend is there to listen and encourage you. If you’re excited, she’s the one popping the champagne bottle. If you’re frustrated, she’s the one pulling you out of it and helping you change your attitude to joy. She asks all the right questions at all the right times and is 100% invested in the story God is writing through your life.

Basically, this perfect friend is birthed straight out of 1 Peter 4:8 which says,

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.

Absorbed by my longing for perfect depth, discontent descended like a fog over my relationships. Instead of focusing on what they offered, I could only see what they lacked.

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This is the beginning of my guest post over on (in)courage; a community whose goal is to encourage the hearts of women and point to Jesus.  I am so honored to be a guest contributor today and would love if you'd head over to (in)courage to check it out.  Click here to read the entire article.

Want to learn more about (in)courage, their hearts for Christ and find out how you can sign up to receive daily encouragement right in your inbox? click here.   

Pursuing Transformation: To be a better friend

If you’ve been following along, you know that I am in the middle of a little series about Pursuing Transformation. It started with this proclamation that I made back in January, pinpointing five areas of my life where I want to see growth in 2015 - and now I'm checking in with each area, sharing where I'm at and encouraging you to do the same.

This week I’m onto my fourth goal – to be a better friend. So far, I feel the least prepared to write an update on this one.

Friendships continue to remain a mystery to me. And honestly still a struggle. Here’s the thing: I really struggle with friendships when they unexpectedly take a turn for a different direction or fall right off the map. It’s happened to me time and time again where I’m super good friends with someone (not just acquaintances- but actual know each other’s deep feelings, thoughts, histories kind of friends) and for no reason that I’m aware of, something switches. Phone calls disappear, text messages remain unanswered, and the once strong bond that made our friendship so beautiful weakens – and with no explanation even when pursued.

I understand that relationships are not easy, that yes there is some truth to the cliché statement of friends are in your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime – but when it feels like someone just ups and leaves your life for no apparent reason and doesn’t have the guts to tell you why they’ve decided to cut you out, that hurts.

I’m a, for lack of a better term, “no shit” kind of gal. If I am struggling with something, I’m not just going to harbor it, talk behind your back and wait until four frustrations later when I finally blow up in your face. If there’s an issue, I want to talk about it and work through it right away, together– with love, and with grace. Being able to be up front with each other, to be honest, and love each other through confrontation brings huge value and trust to a relationship. And I think that’s what makes relationships strong.

But this post isn’t supposed to be about the bitterness that I am still working on in my heart, it’s about how I am going to challenge myself and my role in the friendships that I have. One of my favorite verses is Ephesians 4:15 – it says, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is Christ.” The reason I first fell in love with this verse was because I felt like it was a positive encouragement for healthy confrontation. Encouraging us to speak the truth to each other, bringing up hard conversations, but in a loving manner. And I very much still love it for that reason. But what I’ve been thinking about more lately is a slightly different perspective of the challenge to speak truth in love.

Dealing with all these friendship struggles, the silver lining through it all is that I’ve become so much more thankful for the relationships that I do have. It’s made me realize just how thankful I am for the friends who have stuck it out with me through it all, and it makes me want to tell them just how great I think they are. And that’s what I think the second aspect of speaking the truth in love is, to communicate how much we appreciate each other – to speak that truth in love.

Just as important as it is to be honest about frustrations, it’s even more important to share how valuable I think my friends are, how kind, how encouraging, how much of a huge blessing their friendship is in my life. How often do you go through weeks, months, years, without saying – “hey, you know what? I am so thankful that you are my friend. I really think you are amazing”? Do you tell your friends how much you appreciate them and the way that they wear temporary tattoos with you even though you’re 29 years old? Or tell them how great it is that they care about what you’re doing, encourage you to chase your dreams, giggle together over a glass of wine, play Heads Up in the middle of a restaurant or go to Sephora 1700 times and walk around for way too long. I don’t know about you, but my answer is not enough.

I want to be a friend who is willing to speak truth lovingly in confrontational situations, but even more so I want to be a friend who is known for telling you how loved you are. I want to be a friend who is caring, encouraging, honest, invested, intentional and present through thick and thin. I think that’s what God calls us to be isn’t it? To be a community of men and women who really truly care about each other and communicate that love!

That’s how I want to be a better friend. I want the people in my life to know how thankful I am for them, and I’m looking forward to showing them.

If you, too, have awesome friends in your life, maybe you want to join me in telling them. Shoot a text message, send a fun card, a lil email, or maybe even give them a call and actually say the words! Let’s be a community known for speaking the truth in love, both in the good and in the bad.

Xo

Friendships in your 20's

Growing up, I’ve realized that friendships in your 20’s are hard. Everything seems to change in your relationships because people are moving across the country, getting married, figuring out who they are and who they want to be, having babies, getting established in a career, and all the other joys of getting older. All of these things are great, don’t get me wrong, but all of this contributes to a new place in life where friendships seem to be a lot more difficult to maintain.

I miss the easiness of friendship in college and high school, when it was all about fun and games, when you saw each other every day, and building friendships and spending time together was really a huge focus in our lives. I understand that things change, and that friendships won’t always look the same, but I have to be honest- this has been a really, really difficult realization for me to grasp lately.

I highly value my relationships and have always been a huge fan of having heart to hearts, intentional hang time, being vulnerable, and really just living life with one another through the nitty gritty as well as the fun. Not having as much of this in my life lately, I’m really craving depth and intentionality in my relationships, and missing the times that it came so naturally.

God created us to live in community, to need each other, to support each other, to encourage one another and build each other up. I’m so thankful for that reminder because it encourages me that my desires for deep friendships are not me being crazy or selfish or something, it’s just how God created me to be.

Struggling with this void, I’ve learned that you can’t force things, and you can’t make relationships fill a hole that the other person might not even know is there. I’ve shed a few tears here and there, but I don’t want to wallow in this sadness. I want to try to adjust and figure out what the Lord might be teaching me in this time. I’ve been blessed with some amazing friendships, I am so thankful! I just now need to focus less on what is missing and more on making the most of every relationship I have in front of me.

Romans 14:19 has been an encouragement to me in this time as it says, “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification.” This section of Romans talks about how we are to treat our brothers and sisters in Christ, how we are to accept one another, just as Christ accepts us.  I know it might sound slightly unrelated, but it has really helped me change my focus.  Instead of trying to fix what's missing or force my relationships to be what I need all the time, I'm trying to make every effort to bring peace into them.  The way I see it is, I have two choices-  to be frustrated and sad, or make every effort to make the most of them. That’s what I’d like to be my goal as I navigate this new territory, to seek the Lord and make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification in my relationships.

Praying that you, too, might be encouraged with any struggle you're dealing with.  You are not alone.  Sending love your way!  xoxo