Summer Break

I began summer with a lot of goals.  Write one blog post a week, submit an article to a new publication once a month, read more blogs and books, all while perfectly maintaining the regular weekly activities.  Starting out strong, I was dominating my plan and determined to stick with it.  And then life got in the way…  Helping plan my sister’s wedding became top priority, friends on summer break beckoned for coffee mid-day, and weekend plans jam-packed the calendar.  Suddenly every moment was filled, and the time I had allotted for writing disappeared.  And frustration bubbled.  Instead of thoroughly enjoying time with my sister at the mall shopping for wedding shoes, I couldn’t get rid of the nagging feeling “I should be writing; I should be knocking things off my list.”  Everything I was doing was good, great even, but what about my plan?!  Constantly torn between what I “should” and could be doing, there came a cranky day where exasperation took over and I said, “you know what? I give up!  I am the only one putting these limitations on myself so, forget them!"  As quickly as those words left my mouth, a weight lifted off my shoulders – I was free.  In those weeks of tug of war, it's as if God was saying to me – let it go sweet girl and focus on me!  Embrace me, abide in me; be joyful.  The rest can wait.  

In an online class I took through the Influence Network, co-founder and author Jess Connolly spoke about this very thing.  Titled “Abide” her main point of the class was, what if at the end of the day, our only question was, was I present in what the Lord led me to do?  What if I don’t care if I get ahead, or hit all my goals; but instead care about remaining in the Lord and allowing Him to determine my fruit?  

This is a constant struggle for me.  For so long, at the end of the day, my level of happiness has been based solely on whether or not I accomplished my to do list.  If I met a lot of my goals, then I’d be happy and proud.  I’d pat myself on the back with a smile and think, I did great today!   But then on the flip side, if I felt called to rest, I'd try to enjoy it, but really inside all I could think was, "You suck.  You have accomplished nothing.  Rest is for the weak."  This summer, God really challenged me in this thinking.  Realizing that He was asking me to throw out my expectations and simply abide in Him, I felt free.  Free to soak up special moments with my sister planning her wedding, to sit on the beach with a dear friend as we talked through our reading from Wild and Free, and free to rest, letting the Lord refuel me in the way that only He knows how.  

Purposefully allowing expectations to be unmet is extremely challenging; but if that means following the Lord's lead and experiencing freedom, then it's worth it.  Although this summer was different than I imagined, and I took an unintentional summer break from writing, I am so thankful for the way God taught me to more fully allow Him to order my steps.  

If you’re struggling with meeting your own goals or expectations, I want to encourage you to check those with the Lord.  Are those expectations that you are laying on yourself?  Or are they goals that the Lord has for you?  Together, let’s embrace the freedom that comes from letting the Lord determine our steps.  With confidence let us say, “I don’t care how I end this day.  What I care about is that I’ve pursued the Lord.” 

"If, then" kind of love

One of the reasons I fell in love with my husband was, I adored the way his phone conversations with his dad always ended with “I love you”.  Hearing him proudly communicate his love to his family was super sweet, and honestly really sexy.   And now, 9 years later after those words rolled off our tongues, I continue to be the lucky recipient.  At work, with his buddies, or in the quiet of our bedroom, Chris constantly tells me that he loves me.  But somehow, I’ve developed a bad habit.   Several times throughout the week (or sometimes in one night) I ask Chris, “Do you still love me?” 

Reading the book Wild and Free by Jess Connolly and Hayley Morgan, (which I cannot stop raving about) I came across a line that read, “The world says you are good ‘if…’ – but God says you are good, period.”  I stopped reading and the rabbit trail began.   Do I really believe that?  Like really believe that?  If I do, then why do I operate as if God’s love is dependent on me?  Why do I think that if I do something really great for God’s name, then He might love me more? Or that if I act like a complete jerk spouting mean words, He might love me less than the day where I graciously help my friends?

Zephaniah 3:17 says, “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”  Friends, God’s love for us is not an “if, then” statement.   Nowhere in the Bible will you find a sentence that says, if you do this, then God will love you.  Just as Jess Connolly said in Wild and Free, God says you are good, period.  And nothing we do, either good or bad, will ever change that.  So why is it that I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that God’s love is unconditional? 

Unfortunately, we live in a broken culture where someone might not like us because we look different, or sound different, or represent a different political party (good grief).  And for that reason, it makes it ridiculously difficult to grasp that someone might love us unconditionally. When I ask Chris, “Do you still love me?” the problem isn’t him; it’s me.  Originating in my insecurity, fear births the thought that if I don’t have the dishes done or the laundry folded by the time he gets home, he might love me less.  But even after the 19th time, Chris responds with a sweet sigh and maybe a little eye roll, “Of course I love you.  You know that!”

We have a heavenly Father who is 100% capable of loving us without limits.  He takes great delight in us when we’re at our highest points and our lowest.  He will rejoice over us with singing, even if we have poop in our hair.  1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear…” I know it’s hard to comprehend, but God is made of this perfect, fear-free, unconditional love.  There is absolutely nothing we can do to separate ourselves from His love.  And believing this, like really believing this leads us to life-changing freedom.

In this world, because of sin there’s no way we can love as perfectly as God because He alone is perfect.  But, we can sure try.  We can look for the best in each other, extend grace as much as physically possible, and lean into the Lord when our well has run dry.  Scripture says that others will know we are Christians by our love, and my prayer is that this might be true.  Together, let’s tap into the overwhelming, wildly unlimited, love of our Father and let it flow through us. 

image by Marissa maharaj

Wild and Free

I’ve always had a thing for hair.  I’ve grown it long, cut it super short Victoria Beckham style and once I broke my vow to never dye my hair, the real fun began.  If you know me since college, you know I’ve been a dark brunette, a bright blonde, had chunks of purple-red, played with an ombré and now my hair is gray.  Yes, that’s right, I chose to have gray hair. And here’s why. 

I decided that my 30th year is going to be one of risk and fun. I want to put myself out there, not hold back and create opportunities for fun.  Having a crush on the gray hair trend for awhile, I decided hey that would be super fun!  (And a bit risky not knowing how it’d turn out hah) So I went for it.  Why not?  I mean it’s just hair, it can be changed and YOLO! Am I right?

But honestly it’s more than that.  I am reading a book called Wild and Free by Hayley Morgan and Jess Connolly and it’s all about embracing the women that God created us to be.  The heart behind the book is, “He is the one who calls us to be wild- walking in who God created us to be.  And He is the one who calls us to be free – resting in what Jesus has done for us.”    Deliberating over whether or not to go for the grey hair, I realized that the only thing holding me back was a fear of what others might think.  And that shook me a bit.  I’m only a few chapters in, but I’ve really been challenged by the thought of – how often do I limit who I am, who God created me to be, because I’m afraid of what others might think?

I love temporary tattoos so why do I feel like I need to hide the one on my arm when I’m at yoga class?  When I hear one of my favorite jams, I wanna jam out, bop my shoulders and sing obnoxiously in the car but why do I dial it back when I realize people are watching me?  My first day in public with my grey hair I was nervous going to the grocery store – what if I run into someone I know?  What will the butcher think when he sees my no longer blonde hair?  Realizing all of this, it makes me angry because that is not what God desires for me.  Galatians 5:1 says, “It is for freedom Christ has set us free.”  God did not call us to be timid or fearful – He created us to live wildly and freely knowing that our identity is not in our hair color, body type or career, it is in Jesus. 

Looking in the mirror at the hair salon, my eyes were wide with excitement.  I did it!  My hair was full on grey.  Sure, it may be a little out there but, dying my hair this granny color is a tiny piece, a baby step, toward me living in the freedom of who God created me to be. 

If there’s something that you’ve been dying to do, but you’re holding back because you’re afraid of what others might think of you – check that fear and get to it.  Own that bright red lipstick, the purple hair, or the choice to seek your dream job. Together let's get a little wild and live freely in who God created us to be.  

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If you're looking for a good read this summer, I'd love to invite you to read Wild and Free with me!  I'm only a few chapters in and this book has already inspired me.  I'd love to hear how it inspires you!