Looking back on 2020

If I had to choose one Bible verse to describe the wild year of 2020 it would be Hebrews 12:11 that says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

Although I can easily label 2020 as challenging and painful at times, I would also reward the year as being one I learned more about peace, relinquishing control, and depending on God.

Would I rather none of us had to live through the brokenness that has filled this year? Absolutely. But in the same breath it’s out of that brokenness that we get to see the incredible strength and beauty that comes from our Father.

As much as I wish this last year looked a lot different, I couldn’t trade it in. There was so much goodness to be had amidst the hard, and a lot of life lessons that are making me a stronger person because of it.

A time of reflection

It took me longer than I thought it would to reflect on 2020 because in my head I thought, “well, not much happened this year at all thanks to Covid.” But when I looked through my journals I realized a lot happened, even if a good chunk of it was within my heart.

Last year I shared the reflection method that the senior pastor of our church recommended through a sermon titled Practices for a New Year from the Psalms. I loved this practice so much that I repeated it this year. I looked through the photos on my phone, watched old Instagram stories, and paged through my journals to note highlights as well as themes of growth.

This year gets a whole lot of flack for being the worst so I wanted to take the time to share (for myself and for you) some of the greatness that came out of this year. Here are five highlights and five ways I’ve grown through 2020.

5 highlights from 2020

Our backyard oasis

When I scrolled through my photo roll from this past summer, it was very clear that our backyard was my happy place. It’s been a work in progress for years but this year it felt like everything came together. My flowers flourished, our vegetable garden overflowed, we strung cozy lights over the patio, and Chris got me a fire pit for my birthday.

In a year where most time spent with others took place outside, this had the Lord’s provision stamped all over it. I drank my coffee on the patio, had lots of hang time with family, played games, watched movies by the fire, friends gathered for happy hour. It was such a gift.

Ticket to Ride

I giggled when I scrolled through my Instagram stories and saw just how much we played the game we refer to as Trains with my sister and brother-in-law. I ordered the game on a whim off Amazon in February and let me tell you, that game brought life to the days of quarantine. It was the first thing we did when we decided it was safe for us to all hang out together, and it was a common source of both joy and healthy distraction when it felt like the world was crumbling more than we thought possible.

It was also a catalyst for a lot of time spent with my sister and brother-in-law. We are very close, both relationally and in proximity, but I think it’s fair to say that this year especially we spent A LOT of time together.

My mom’s heart surgery

It might seem crazy to add this to a list of highlights because, of course, I would never ever wish open-heart surgery on anyone. But, the entire process was drenched in the Lord’s protection and provision so I can’t help but highlight the way He moved.  

Here are a few ways I saw God in it:

The heart attack didn’t do any permanent damage. Instead it was a catalyst that helped doctors discover and take care of blockages that could have taken mom from us.

It happened during a time in the pandemic when hospitals loosened rules on guests. One guest was allowed – so praise God, my dad was able to be with my mom in the hospital room. He was there every single day, every waking hour until they kicked him out.

Mom’s double bypass went smoothly and she recovered amazingly. A few days after surgery her nurses commented about how she looked incredible and was leap years ahead of typical heart surgery patients.

With a healthier and better functioning heart, mom’s body can now fight illnesses off better than before. This too is a great blessing as we live in the midst of a pandemic.

Lots of yummy meals

There were a few things that popped up super regularly in my photos: my niece (duh, she’s so cute and I love her a ton) and lots of really yummy meals.

I am extremely blessed to have a husband who not only loves to cook but is really, really good at it. Combine that with the gift of time since he has been working from home and hasn’t been traveling, and what do you get? A lot of good food. 

I’ve told him several times – you have kept me alive in this pandemic. And I mean it. There were weeks where I felt so heavy and full of anxiety that if I had been left to my own devices, I probably would’ve eaten pretzels or cereal all week. It was a huge blessing that I will have a hard time giving up when he starts traveling for work again someday. 

Intentional getaways

Getaways have always been life-giving. But in this difficult year, they were sustaining. We escaped as much as we could to our family lake home up north. We took mini-getaways just the two of us both up north, and for our anniversary we did a little staycation at The Iron Horse where we spent our wedding night. I had my annual college roomie trip at our lake home. (Basically a lot of time was spent up north).

These little getaways were a huge blessing because with a change of scenery they brought breath, fresh perspective, and an important reminder that joy and sadness can coexist.

5 lessons I’ve learned in 2020

1.    Relinquishing control – I constantly crave control. (Not like “I want to boss of everyone” but more like “I want to know what’s happening so I know how to react or how to prepare for the worst”). I’ve known that for some time now, but something about all the unknowns and lack of control over anything related to the pandemic made me realize just how deep it’s claws sink into my soul. The important correlation I’ve learned – anxiety is largely rooted in a desire for control.

I could easily label 2020 as the year of letting go. Letting go of expectations, letting go of control, and as a result, learning to let go of anxiety. I’ve grown a lot in relinquishing control, but this certainly isn’t a one and done type of lesson. It’s one I have to continually work on every day. 

2.    Freedom comes from depending more fully on God –This one works in hand in hand with learning to let go of control. When we relinquish control we depend more on God. When we depend more on God, we in turn relinquish control.

There were moments during the pandemic where I felt like I literally could do nothing other than depend fully on the Lord. The feeling of being completely out of control was extremely uncomfortable, but then I realized there is sweet, sweet freedom that comes from depending fully on Him. My prayer is that I never forget those dark moments where He was the only thing sustaining me – I want to lean on Him like that every day.  

3.    Growth in handling and bouncing back from panic attacks – I wish this was not a lesson I had to learn, I’d rather panic attacks just be completely MIA from my life. But, I am so thankful that the Lord has helped me learn how to better handle and bounce back from panic attacks.

Whereas in the past they would shut me down for at least the whole next day, I have learned to see a panic attack coming, ride it out when it arrives, see it for what it was, and be able to continue with my day.

Is it still impactful? Absolutely. Panic attacks require work from our nervous system, so our bodies most definitely need support as they come down from the episode and adjust to find balance. But, the more I’ve experienced them, the more information I gather about my body and thus the better I can extend grace and compassion to myself, and take away a bit of the panic attacks’ power. 

4.    Advocating for myself – This was an area of growth I might not have recognized had I not taken the time to reflect (one of the many reasons I am a fan of reflection). Last year, it was one of my goals to advocate better for myself – in regards to my mental health, my life as a married woman without kiddos, and in my career as a writer.  

I have had a lot of practice in advocating for myself throughout 2020, and I’ve gotten a lot better at it. It can be uncomfortable to stand up for yourself and speak your truth, but the benefits far outweigh the cost.

5.    Worst-case scenarios often don’t come true – I spent a lot of time dreaming up worst-case scenarios in the past year. I injured my gum and convinced myself surgery was the only way to fix it. I was certain that pain in my tailbone was irreparable, that I would need a terrifying surgery, and that even with the surgery it would not get better. I vividly imagined ending up in the hospital and dying alone due to Covid. And not one of these scenarios came true.

Over and over again the Lord has compassionately taught me it’s time I stop giving worst case scenarios so much power. This is another lesson that needs continual work, but I am so thankful for the way the Lord continues to show me that time spent panicking about what most likely won’t come true, does not benefit me. Trusting in Him and that He will walk with me and help me endure whatever scenario comes my way – that does.

Stepping boldly into 2021

As I wrote this reflection, I took time to peek back at last year’s reflection. I ended it with these words “my prayer is that you can walk confidently into the New Year, knowing that the Lord is before you and He will give you the strength no matter what comes your way. Here’s to 2020 friends, I cannot wait to see what is in store.”

Oh man, it makes me giggle a little bit to read those words now knowing just how much went down in the last year. But the encouragement for what came our way was pretty spot on. The Lord proved and continues to prove time and time again that we get to walk confidently because He will give us strength to endure anything and everything. 

I’ve seen a lot of jokes saying we should tiptoe into 2021 because who knows what is going to happen after this last year we just had. But I think we can (and should) do much better than tiptoe. Because of Christ, we get to STEP BOLDLY and CONFIDENTLY into the year ahead of us. No matter what comes our way, our feet are solid and firm when we are rooted in Him as Psalm 37:23 says, “The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him.”

You know who wants us to tiptoe into 2021? The evil one. He wants us to sheepishly enter this year as if we’re afraid to awaken another beast. He loves when we live in fear. Well, I want nothing to do with that.  

I want to slam my feet into the ground and walk proudly, confidently, and boldly in the mission the Lord has for me. I want to fully embrace the authority the Lord has given me through Jesus to make the evil one run for the hills. And I hope that you’ll join me.  

No more tiptoeing. Let’s be bold, make Jesus’ name known, and demolish strongholds for His glory.

 Here’s to 2021, friends. Let’s take strong steps in Jesus’ name, together.

Looking back on 2018

One of my favorite things to do the week between Christmas and New Years Eve is to take time to reflect on the previous year. I love looking back to see the progress I made on goals, recognize areas that didn’t bear fruit, and consider what changes I’d like to make for the next year. But this year, I never got around to looking back on 2018. A chaotic holiday season, piggy backed by a week crushed beneath the stomach flu, left me feeling behind before the year had even begun.

As it is now April, I debated letting this post go by the wayside – to chalk it up as a loss and say “better luck reflecting next year.” But then as I was listening to the Go + Tell Gals podcast (one of my favorites as of late), the guest speaker, Jami Nato said, “Reflecting on your experiences is the greatest teacher.”  With an audible, mmmhmmm, and a visible head nod, I agreed wholeheartedly and was convicted to do my diligence of reflecting on last year.

So without further ado, here are a few of my takeaways from 2018 - a year of growth and witnessing the Lord’s protection.

Writing

2018 was an extremely full year in my writing career. I was published again on (in)courage, created printable scripture cards to combat anxiety, wrote A Restful Advent devotional series, grew my email list (which is an important component publishers look for), and was a guest speaker talking about anxiety on the Unaltered Grace Podcast. But the biggest accomplishment was completing a book proposal and presenting it to an editor at the Writing with Grace Retreat.

I have been dreaming about writing a book since I was a little girl, and my topic about how learning to make Jesus supreme in our lives changes how we live has been heavy on my heart for over 10 years. It is no small feat to have finished a book proposal – which is basically a giant outline including marketing details, chapter outlines, sample chapters, and possible endorsers. I am so proud of myself for beginning the process of book writing and look forward to what the Lord has for me in 2019.

Lola

Life as I knew it changed on April 5th, when my niece, Lola Marleen Koester, entered the world. I knew things would be different once we added the first baby of the family to the mix, but I had no idea how largely I would be impacted.  

There have been growing pains—I’ve wrestled with the question of whether I want to have kids or not, and have experienced the impact of being one of few couples without kids. But much much greater than the growing pains is the immense blessing of watching Lola grow (just check out my Instagram feed – clearly I’m a little obsessed).

Living so close in proximity, and getting to take care of Lola one day a week, I have been given an incredible opportunity to build a special bond with my niece. My brother-in-law told me that our bond is visibly evident in the squinty, cheesy, teethy grin that she reserves just for when she sees me. I love her more than I thought I could and cannot wait to continue to be a special person in her life as she grows. 
 

Anxiety

While 2018 was in some ways the best of years, it was hands down the hardest of years. In July, I suffered the heaviest anxiety attack I have ever experienced; one that shook me physically and mentally, and set me on a downward spiral into months controlled by inner chaos and debilitating fears. However, a line in a novel I read recently said, “A well managed breakdown can turn out to be a good thing… Try to see it as an opportunity. An opportunity to grow and learn about yourself.” As much as I truly wish the pain of that attack never touched my body, I am thankful as it set me on a new venture of learning about my anxiety.

One of the best decisions I ever made was to start seeing a Christian counselor. With grace, truth, and the beautiful world of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, my counselor has led me to dig deep into discovering catastrophic thinking that triggers my anxiety and learn methods to correct it with truth.

The anxiety attack in July may have happened seemingly out of the blue, but the reality is, it was the demon child of years and years of unhealthy thinking. As painful as digging into the depths of my anxiety may be, it’s 1000% worth it. I’ve already experienced great freedom as I’ve spoken truth to lies I didn’t even know had power, and I am hopeful that as I continue down this path, the voice of anxiety will diminish into a whisper.
 

Witnessing the Lord’s protection

Last January, I declared expectant  as my word of the year. With a working definition of “watchfulness based in confidence” I set out with a goal of looking specifically for the ways that God was at work in my life. I had no idea what the fruit of this intention would be – but now I can say that, choosing this focus helped me see the way God constantly protects me.

By looking at my circumstances through the lens of knowing that God was at work, and searching for evidence of Him, I developed a greater sensitivity and stronger awareness of how He was not just providing or teaching me about who He was, but how He was protecting me even in the small things.  

• I saw God’s hand in the way he used one anxious episode to give me confidence that I could persevere through another.

• I was mad when a trip didn’t pan out, but then amazed at God’s protection when it became clear that we were meant to be home for our good friend whose father passed away that very week.

• I experienced His provision through a friendship born through Instagram. This friend understands my struggle with anxiety like no one else; she speaks truth, points me to Christ, and encourages me that I am alone. This friendship is a beautiful combination of God’s provision and protection as He knew I needed someone to walk with me in this season.  

When we look at our lives, it’s easy to point out the fruit but it’s even more important to look at the hard situations and see how God protected us in them and through them. By constantly searching for God’s goodness, no matter how deep my struggle, I was not consumed because I could always see evidence of His hand at work - that is the fruit of being expectant.
 

why reflecting is important

In some ways I feel as if I have merely skimmed the surface of lessons that were born in 2018 – but I know that if I continue to keep my eyes fixed on Christ, and ask Him to teach me through my present and my past, He will bring the fruit to the forefront.  

If you’ve yet to reflect on 2018, or even on the month behind you, don’t be discouraged; set aside a little time this week to look back, celebrate growth, count the fruit, and ask the Lord to show you His hand in all of it.

Let’s not underestimate the power of reflection; for it is through looking back that we not only see the ways we've grown, but we can tangibly take note of God's hand in our lives.

I’m with you in this friend, and cannot wait to see what the Lord does in our lives in 2019.