Empowering accountability

A few days ago over on my Instagram account, I asked this question; “When you hear the word accountable, like someone is going to hold you accountable, what is your initial gut reaction?  Is it positive or negative?”  I’m a little surprised to tell you that 89% responded with a ‘thumbs up’, meaning a positive response.  For some reason, I was expecting more people to respond negatively. 

Personally, I love the act of being held accountable – there’s something so personal and powerful about trusting someone to hold you responsible for something.  But I can also understand a negative reaction, because I think accountability comes off restrictive.  Allow me to give you an example. 

My husband and I are not strangers to alcoholic beverages.  Chris is a beer snob, and I like bubbles, wine, beer – okay, I like a lot of libations, but let’s not get off topic.  When we started taking our faith more seriously, we recognized the importance of not letting our love for tasty drinks get out of hand.  We want to represent the Lord well, and drinking in moderation, is a part of that.  And let's be honest, we're not always good at this.

On one recent occasion, we were hanging with a group of friends, eating snacks, playing games and having a few drinks. After Chris had a few, I leaned over and whispered, “Hey babe, you might want to have a glass of water before you grab another one.” From our perspective, this was me keeping my word to my husband.  We’ve talked about this very scenario where we are tempted to have one too many, and we’ve agreed to hold each other accountable, aka know when it’s time to cut it off.  But from an outsider’s perspective, this easily looks like a nagging wife trying to control or restrict her husband. 

Here’s the thing, accountability is not meant to be restrictive; it’s actually meant to be empowering.

I’ve been reading 1 Thessalonians lately, and came upon a verse that I think beautifully portrays a non-restrictive, ‘thumbs up’ definition of what it means to hold each other accountable. 

1 Thessalonians 2:11-12 says, “For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.”

Those words in bold, encouraging, comforting, and urging, are what empowering accountability is made of. 

If I want to decrease my time spent on my phone, Chris yelling at me every time my nose is buried in Instagram isn’t going to inspire me; a gentle reminder that I want to create more space for conversation or listening for the Lord– that will.  The same principle applies elsewhere.  If I want to be held accountable to reading the Bible more, having someone ask me pointedly, “Have you been reading your bible every single day?” and then scolding me if the answer is no, isn’t going to press me to get into the word.  But being urged and encouraged that gaining wisdom from the Bible is life giving, that will motivate me to dig deeper. 

Using language that is encouraging, comforting and urging is a crucial component of empowering accountability, but there's one more piece.  It cannot be a one-sided decision.  If I randomly decided that I didn’t want Chris to drink as much in a social setting, and started harping on him to drink water instead, what do you think his response would be?  He’d be taken off guard and probably a bit frustrated.  I can’t hold Chris accountable to drinking less without him inviting me to do so.  And the same goes to any accountability relationship.

In order for accountability to be empowering, both of these characteristics must be present: 
- it must be birthed in a trust-based relationship and agreed upon by both parties
- the goal must be to encourage, comfort and urge each other towards the goal

I love this verse, this beautiful perspective, on accountability so much that Chris and I have declared it over our marriage for 2018.  We want this year to be a year where we are not only intentional with our marriage, but intentional in becoming more like Christ.  And the only way to do that is by encouraging, comforting, and urging each other to live lives worthy of God, who calls us into his kingdom and glory.   

If you’ve never experienced empowering accountability, my prayer is that this might kick start you to pursue it.  As Paul says in 1 Thessalonians 5:11, let’s “encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 

image by Caroline Ro

Held Accountable

Happy Friday!  This week seems to have flown by and with it, went my very good intentions of writing several posts this week.  So here I am, it's already dark out (which I am still having a hard time adjusting to) and I'm waiting for my sweet hubby to get home from work.  But before he arrives, I wanted to leave you with a little something to chew on. 

The past couple months, my small group has been studying the book of Romans.  I am a huge Romans fan, so I have been thoroughly enjoying revisiting these scriptures.  But it never ceases to amaze me how whenever I re-read the text, there is always something new that jumps out at me.  Here's what got me this time.  Chapter 3:19 says, "Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be silenced and the whole world held accountable to God." Just to give you a quick idea of what's going on in this chapter... Paul is teaching about how the law is not grounds for righteousness.  He talks about how it is through faith that we are credited righteousness, and that "through the law we become conscious of sin" and aware of our need for a savior.  (It's a great chapter, if you're not familiar check it out.)

But now I need to apologize because I'm pulling a chunk out of the verse that is somewhat out of context, (forgive me) but it's a phrase that's had me thinking the past couple weeks.  It's the idea of being held accountable to God.

I am a big advocate for accountability.  I think sometimes it gets a bad rep like it's just for people in AA or a churchy-small group sort of word, but I think it's much more than that.  For me it's having a person (or two.. or six) who is willing to hold me responsible for my actions.  More specifically, it's someone I can depend on to help me stick to the goals I've set for myself, who pushes and encourages me when I'm struggling to stay disciplined, and someone who is willing to call me out when I'm acting like a fool.  

As I was reading these verses, and thinking about the fact that we are held accountable to God for our actions, I couldn't help but ask myself, why isn't this truth enough?  When I went to a friend's wedding from high school a couple weeks ago, I went into it knowing that I was going to be tempted to have more than my share of beverages.  There were many days in my past that I dabbled in the fun of having a few too many [and it's definitely still a struggle sometimes], but now I know that's not how I want to live my life.  Knowing this, I texted my sister and said "hey, will you hold me accountable to making good choices tonight?"  For whatever reason, even the simple act of reaching out and asking someone to be aware of what I'm doing, is enough to remind me and motivate me to make good choices.  But what gets me is, why isn't the fact that God knows what I am doing, and knows the decisions I'm going to make before I make them... why is that not enough to motivate me to do the right thing?  

Don't get me wrong, I know that God created us for community, to need each other's support and encouragement.  I'm not discounting that, and I'm definitely not going to go ditching my accountability partners!  Having you guys in my life has made a huge difference in helping me work towards being more Christ-like, and encouraging me to pursue the hopes and dreams that He's given me.  

What I am hoping to do though, is put more emphasis on the truth that I don't just have to rely on my husband or sister or whoever else I've asked to hold me responsible.  The God who created me wants to be a part of my life and help me be the very best that He created me to be.  

My hope and prayer moving forward is that knowing that, would be the motivation and encouragement I need to not only make good choices in the sticky situations, but to push myself in the goals and dreams that I feel He has laid out for me.